SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Scars of the Past

2008-02-08T22:11:00.000Z

It has been sometime since I have written on this blog, a lot has changed in the year or so since I have been away, I no longer harm, I have not harmed in nearly a year and a half now and I am the better for it. I still bear the scars of my years of harming but now they serve as a reminder of a tough time in my life, I am not embarrassed by them and I do not hide them anymore, they are a part of me and as much as I would like them gone it is unlikely that they ever will. I have made peace with the past, took it out of its box, dealt with it and put it away for good, sometime I still hear the lid tapping and the little monsters try to get out but I am stronger then they are and I don't let them win. Life is a battle, every aspect and it is up to the individual to decide who they want to be the survivor or the victim.

And So It Ends.....Or Does It

2006-09-21T21:49:00.000+01:00

I have decided that this will be the last post on my blog, I think I have achieved everything I wanted to achieve and I really don't think there is anything else I can add at this present time in my life. I would like to sincerely thank all who have supported me and made comments on my blog and I would also like to wish all my fellow self harmers all the best in the continuing struggle to overcome.
All that is left to say is goodbye and good luck.
THE END
To Be Continued.....

Thinking

2006-09-11T22:26:00.000+01:00

Things have been very busy as usual these days, I really want to write more stuff on the blog but never really get the time or really have much to say anymore, I think I have exhausted the whole self harm subject for myself and if I keep writing about the past it is just going to open old wounds.
I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last while, mainly about what I could have done different over the last year, about the people I could have avoided hurting and maybe save myself some pain along the way but I suppose it all has lead me to the path I am following now. I can not let express the peace I am feeling, the heaviness seems to be gone, well at least the whole self harm burden anywho but now I am dealing with other problems, mainly family related. What do you do when a close family member is an alcoholic? What can you do when you have tried and tried to help them but they just won't stop and they are a danger to themselves and others around them? I have tried to get to the root of the problem, I have used emotional blackmail but nothing has worked and now I feel I have no other option but to give up and get on with my own life.
I know it may sound selfish but I have only started to really get use to the new person I am and feeling am getting dragged back a bit everyday and I refuse to let that happen.
The past is in the past and I am movin on.....

Such a Perfect Day...

2006-08-30T21:03:00.000+01:00

Well my Sisters Wedding day this past Saturday turned out to be an almost perfect day and I for one had a brilliant time, judging by all the texts I received the following day I think everybody else enjoyed it as much. The service was lovely and the fact that there was no religion involve made it all the better, it was just perfect and they looked so happy together.
The hotel and food were beautiful and it was great how everybody got along and mingled on the day. I think I sat down for dinner and that was it, the rest of the day and night involved running around talking to people and dancing. I also had written a speech as my roll was father of the bride but when it came to it I decided to ad lib and ended up coming out to the entire run with one joke but who cares?
In the past when I would see two people that happy together but now I can only feel as happy for them, something inside has changed and all the anger and pain from the past has now gone.
I don't think I would have enjoyed the day as much last year the way I was and I am so glad that he has gone now.
On a sad note, my Brother in Law's grandmother, who is more like a mother to him is very ill in hospital and it looks like it is only a matter of hours before she passes away. Unfortunately they are in New York on Honeymoon and have to come home after only 2 days, I will pick them up from the Airport tomorrow morning, I wish there was something I could do for them.

Wedding Bells

2006-08-20T20:17:00.000+01:00

On Saturday my little sister is getting married and I am giving her away. It is going to be a manic week between work and preparation as I have a gift fair to do also at the weekend starting Sunday so all this week will be packing in the day and wedding stuff at night.
I did all the invitations and mass books for the wedding and I have got nothing but positive feedback from them, everybody loved them and I am now toying with the idea of doing them as a little sideline to hopefully make a bit of pocket money. I really enjoyed doing them as it has been the first time I have done something creative in a long time and as time consuming as they where it was a labour of love.
Last weekend I was in Westport, Mayo for the stag weekend, we had a blast and it was great to get to meet all the buddies of my future brother-in-law before the wedding. It took me until Wednesday to recover.
Everything has been great with me in the last few months, it must be coming up to a year being harm free and things seem to be going my way for once. The week I was of work I decided to put over a thousand comics up on eBay and I am thrilled to say that I sold over a hundred and made a nice little tidy sum.
I am happy in my own skin for once and don't feel the need to run away anymore, it may be permanent or could just be for a but I know I am now constantly looking forward instead of back.

10,000

2006-08-08T22:34:00.000+01:00

Holy Crap, Just checked my counter and it has gone over 10,000, I am shocked to see the amount of traffic on a site that has gone to pot a bit in the last while.
Over all things have been good, I was off sick last week with back problems but I am glad to say it has much improved so it is back to the grind in work but have to take it easy for a while which suits me fine. The form has been good and I found myself bored out of my mind after a few days of sitting at home also I am finding myself quite emotional since I had the episode with my medication, sometimes something on the TV will make me want to cry like last night I was watching a program about the RSPCA and there was two dogs that had been poisoned and just dumped, they showed some very graphic pictures of the dead dogs and I had to get up out of bed and bring Holly up with me and give her a cuddle just so I knew she was safe and as I write this she is asleep at my feet.
This weekend I am of to my future brother-in-laws stag party, we are off to Westport in Mayo and it going to be a crazy weekend, I am looking forward to meeting his friends as they will be at the Wedding which is just over 2 weeks away.
The wedding is going to be great and it is so good for our small little family to have such a happy event to look forward to after all the sadness we have had over the years.
I am giving my Sister away at the wedding which is an incredible honour, I just hope I don't trip or stand on her train.
Once again thank you to everybody for your support and for bringing me to the 10,000.

Depression Pills

2006-08-01T21:51:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning I woke up for work to terrible back pain, a few years ago I had two discs removed after spending two years in agonizing pain. My back has never really bothered me since so when something does happen I have to be careful, I called in sick to work and went to see the doctor straight away, after checking me out he reckoned it was just cyatica and some anti inflammatory tablet should sort it out in a few day, he also told me to rest, not to walk the dog and not to drive for the rest of the week. I also got some anti biotic for a sinus infection I have had for the last while.
I started taking the tablets straight away and after about an hour or so I started to feel really down and by lunchtime I felt over whelmingly depressed and by evening time I was in tears, crying at every single sad thing I saw on the TV. I knew something was obviously not right as It take a lot to make me cry and I never cry at the drop of a hat so I got on the old internet and looked up the drugs. It turns out one of the side effects are depression so I stopped taking them, to be honest I would rather put up with the pain than feel like that again.
I feel bad for Holly as she is stuck in with me as I can't walk her but she has not left my side since I have been unwell, right now she is asleep on the bed beside me.
When the pain gets bad she will start to cry in sympathy with me and she was such a comfort to me when I was upset, she truly is mans best friend.

How do I know if I'm ready to stop?

2006-07-27T22:55:00.000+01:00

I posted this a while back but I never gave credit to the person who wrote it, Deb Martinson, thank you for a great article and for letting me post it.

Deciding to stop self-injury is a very personal decision. You may have to consider it for a long time before you decide that you're ready to commit to a life without scars and bruises. Don't be discouraged if you conclude the time isn't right for you to stop yet; you can still exert more control over your self-injury by choosing when and how much you harm yourself, by setting limits for your self-harm, and by taking responsibility for it. If you choose to do this, you should take care to remain safe when harming yourself: don't share cutting implements and know basic first aid for treating your injuries.
Alderman (1997) suggests this useful checklist of things to ask yourself before you begin walking away from self-harm. It isn't necessary that you be able to answer all of the questions "yes," but the more of these things you can set up for yourself, the easier it will be to stop hurting yourself.
While it is not necessary that you meet all of these criteria before stopping SIV, the more of these statements that are true for you before you decide to stop this behavior, the better.

I have a solid emotional support system of friends, family, and/or professionals that I can use if I feel like hurting myself.

There are at least two people in my life that I can call if I want to hurt myself.

I feel at least somewhat comfortable talking about SIV with three different people.

I have a list of at least ten things I can do instead of hurting myself.

I have a place to go if I need to leave my house so as not to hurt myself.

I feel confident that I could get rid of all the things that I might be likely to use to hurt myself.

I have told at least two other people that I am going to stop hurting myself.

I am willing to feel uncomfortable, scared, and frustrated.

I feel confident that I can endure thinking about hurting myself without having to actually do so.

I want to stop hurting myself.

Trust Issues

2006-07-23T22:00:00.000+01:00

On Friday night a friends of mine from Liverpool came home for the weekend, I had not seen him since Christmas and it is always a ritual with us to go on the gay scene everytime he is home to catch up. I don't generally go out on the gay scene in Dublin as I have no gay friends living over here and it is depressing going out on your own. I left the house and for the first time in a long time I felt really good, I felt I looked good and felt very confident and at ease with myself, in my mind I knew I had no interest in meeting anybody but if it happened that would be fine.
We had a really good time and a great catch up, we went to all the bars and finally ended up in the George, probable the oldest gay bar in the city and I find that the place never changes and it is always the same old faces. I got a lot of attention but I really was not interested in hooking up with anyone, I was having a good time and I think that is what people where seeing.
The last time I was out on the scene I met a guy and was very attracted to him and he seemed very interested in me, we texted each other for a while and I kept pressing him for a meeting but alias he was involved with someone else and I decided to call it quits. I meet him again on Friday and he was all over me like a rash but I found myself so turned of by him because I knew I couldn't trust him if I was to start anything up with him.
The whole gay scene is so seedy, I am not saying their are not nice guys out there but they are just really hidden and I think it would take me a long time to trust anybody I was planning on getting into a relationship with but it doesn't bother me that much not being in a relationship as I have a good family, great friends and Holly and I think that is more than enough for the moment.
On the way home I got a taxi and told him my destination, I proceeded to fall asleep in the cab and when I awoke I found he had brough me to the other side of the city, I asked him where he had brought me and I was in Booterstown, he insisted that I told him to bring me there, when we finally arrived at my house the fare was 40 euro. I told him there was no way I was paying it and he threatened to bring me to the police station, I said fine and he could explain how he brought me to the other side of the city instead where I told him. He than said I could give him 30 and call it quits but I refused, I told him it usually costs me about 12 euro and that is all I was willing to pay, he threatened me again with the cops and I told him that the nearest cop shop was down the road, I was not budging and there was no way I was going to let him rip me off. I felt very empowered and eventually he agreed to the fare, It was good standing up to him, he was just trying to take advantage of me because I was a little tipsy but he picked on the wrong guy. On Saturday I slept most of the day and it was the first lie on I have gotten on my holiday.
It has been a good week, I have got a lot done and Holly has become my shadow as she has been with me 24/7, I love that pup.

And I Am Off

2006-07-17T21:13:00.000+01:00

I am off work now until next Monday, I had planned to take a couple of days off towards the end of the week but decided today I have had enough and had a word with my boss. I just told him I was very stressed due to the heavy work load and would need to take holidays effective immediately and he agreed. Already tomorrow has been taken up by bringing my mother to the hospital, she had a fall the other day, I arrived home from work to find he on the ground in the yard cut and bleeding. She is Ok but suffers from high blood pressure and she took a dizzy spell and blacked out, she was worried she'd broke her toe but it seems to be getting better so tomorrow will be just a check up.
I am looking forward to just waking up tomorrow knowing I don't have to get up even though Holly will still expect me to get up at the usual time she is one creature I have no problem getting out of bed for.
I was due to be going over to see a friend in Liverpool this weekend but as I have my future brother in laws stags in two week I decided to keep my money till then.

Frustration

2006-07-16T00:54:00.000+01:00

I am feeling a lot of frustration at the moment due to the fact that everytime I feel I am getting somewhere I end up getting knocked back. I am doing the best I can and I realise what I am doing is not easy, I realise that there will always be bad things that will happen to me just the same as bad things happen to everybody but the bad things always seem to come as a barrage.
I sometimes feel their is a negative force working against me, that new things are created in my life to test me and wear me down and at the moment I am feeling very worn out. I am really fatigued from work and have not had a break in a long time and to add to it my home life is very stressful and I have no social life. I always believed that there are four aspects to your life, work life, social life, Love life and home life, all four either are really bad or just don't exist at the moment.
I never get any time to myself, everybody always seems to want my time to do something for them or to generally catch up and sometimes I feel like just ignoring the phone and eventually cutting everybody out of my life. The problem is that I am not assertive enough to say no, if I ever do say no I am made to feel like I am the worst person in the word.
On Wednesday night I went to bed at 9pm and cried my heart out, a really painful and heart felt cry and all for no a apparent reason, it just started and once it did I was unable to control it that is until there was a knock on the door asking if I was ok and I had to stop. I really felt I needed it and it would have been a great relief to continue and get it all out but no such luck. That may have been the night I started to really let things go and move on but the gods where once again conspiring against me.
Though through this all I still have not harmed yet, I feel that is not a major achievement but it is a step in the right direction.

Fighting Demons

2006-07-13T08:20:00.000+01:00

Things have been quite tough in the last few weeks and I am at the stage of thinking that harming may help me get through it a bit better, my life is a bit of a groundhog day and I constantly seem to be wishing the days away. At the moment when I am trying to be positive I find myself surrounded by negative people, everyone I seem to talk to is moaning about things and in my opinion they have nothing to moan about. I would love to run away and start a new life afresh, change my name and start over. My life consists of work work work at the moment, everytime I seem to think I may have an opportunity to get away something happens financially and I can no longer afford it. My head is just torn at the moment and the demons seem to be raising there heads again, I am sick of the constant inner battle and feel it would be easier just to give in.
What can I do? this is the hand I have been dealt and it is up to me and me alone to deal with.

As You May Have Noticed...

2006-06-27T21:16:00.000+01:00

As you may have noticed in the last while I have not been blogging all that much, the reason I am not so sure of but I think I have realized that the blogging has done me as much harm since I started as it has done good for others. I think as beneficial as it has been to others it is probable not the best idea to write down every though on the web that people that are close to you even people you thought where close to you can read, it is a scary thought knowing that people around you know so much about your life.
I started the blog as a positive step on my road through self harm and I am now at a point in my life where I think I have passed the harming phase, I have worked through a lot off issues in the last 8 months and resolved a lot of personal issues that have always held me back. I have been hurt and betrayed by people I thought close to me and now realize that they are the ones who obviously have there own issues that they have to live with and resolve.
In regards to the blog I am really not sure what to do, whether to just stop or keep going, at this point I am really not sure what else to say. I don't harm anymore so that means I have nothing to talk about on this topic anymore, I will have to give it some serious consideration over the next while.

Sia - Breathe Me

2006-06-15T22:57:00.000+01:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

And on and on and on.....

2006-06-13T21:13:00.000+01:00

I have not been blogging to much in the last while due to work pressures and the general paranoia of feeling that I am going mad, well not really but sometime I get myself so worked up that that is the way I feel. I am quite exhausted at the moment due to damn hard work and generally not having a break since last year but I suppose that is my own fault for being so easy going with the people I work with.
Last week I reached the end of my rope and made a complaint about the other people I work with to my boss, I generally felt that they where not pulling there weight and were basically leaving me to do all the work by myself. After several arguments with them over this and not actually getting anywhere I decided I had no choice but to have a word with the boss. I don't like doing this and I felt bad but I thought that they don't obviously give a damn about me so why should I reciprocate. The outcome was one getting a written warning and the other getting a good talking to but as of this week nothing has really changed. My job consists of Graphic design and being the warehouse manager and both jobs are extremely busy at the moment, I love being busy but there is a limit to how much you can do in any one day.
I worry about how all this stress will effect my recovery, I am trying to avoid stress as much as I can and eliminate most things in my life that are causing me stress but unfortunately people hate to see you succeed and tend to go out of the way to piss you off.
Overall I have been feeling a bit down in the last while, I have not harmed and have not really contemplated it but it is hard sometime when the coping mechanism is taken away. Hopefully I may get a chance to get away for a while next month even if it is only to the countryside it would be something.

Exam Stress

2006-06-04T20:56:00.000+01:00

This is the time of year when the exam stress is on for a large majority of teens, a lot of teen use harm to deal with stress so it is safe to assume that there will be a lot of harming going on. When I was that age I did not care about exams, I did not do great but I got by as I believed I had enough pressure without adding more to it.
It is getting harder these days to get by without a good education and with the added pressures from parent for you to do well the stress will be really on if you do not know how to handle it. At the end of the day exams can be retaken if you don't get the desired result.
Below is a link on how to avoid exam stress, it is worth a read:
http://www.childline.org.uk/Examstress.asp

Stress City

2006-05-27T11:51:00.000+01:00

I have been truly tested over the last few weeks in work due to really bad stress, don't get me wrong I am enjoying my job at the moment but I have been extremely busy and a lot of burden has been put on my shoulders by other people. I am an extremely hard worker, I never stop going and I like that but the harder you work the more people keep heaping stuff on you. Yesterday I felt so stressed out on could feel the overwhelming feelings building up inside, I felt trapped and I could not get out, there was so much to do and it seemed that I was the only one doing it all. Instead of turning to the old reliable methods I decided to have a quite word with my boss, I didn't mention names but just told him I felt that a lot was being heaped on me and not everybody was pulling there weight. It is not even a question of money as I really can't continue with the volume of work for much longer, people forget that I am actually only one person and that I do have limits.

Harm and Harming

2006-05-17T20:50:00.000+01:00

Methods of harming vary from person to person and no two experiences are the same, sometimes in the past I have harmed deliberately as a way to punish myself, other times I would go into the out of control state of trance where I would harm and not really remember doing it. Then there are the times where I would just feel like testing myself, I would take the razor and see how many cuts I could make while I was in a totally conscience state just to see how far I could go, a part of me was always obsessed with how far I could take things, how much pain I could take or how long I could go without food etc. I guess I was living on the edge and I just wanted to push myself that little bit further without falling of. After so long you get into a frame of mind that will start to spiral, always going that little bit further till you realize that you are not immortal and sometimes it takes rock bottom before you can start climbing to the top again.
Over the last year I have learned a valuable lesson, self-harm is not who we are it is just something we do, it is a coping mechanism and although people do not view it as that, I can firmly say I would not be alive today if not for harming. When you firmly believe what you are doing is wrong, that no one else on this planet will ever understand and you live in constant fear of people finding out, harming becomes a powerful friend and enemy. Just knowing that when things get bad or out of control that you have the means to take it all away can be a very important tool in coping.
After so many years of harming I viewed the harming as being the problem but it isn't, the reason you harm in the first place, "the trigger" is the problem. You don't wake up one day and decide, "I think I will cut my arm with a razor" something triggers that impulse, be it repressed memories, stress or depression, inflicting pain on yourself takes it all away for a while and allows you to get on with your life for a short time.
I don't harm anymore and have been harm-free for several months now, the reason being that I have decided to take the hard route and work out why I did what I did? Try and make sense of things and stop punishing myself for things that where out of my control and it is working. Things in my life are less cluttered in my head, I can function better and I am looking forward instead of back, I guess you just have to let go of the past as you can never change it. For me talking about all the unresolved issues and getting them out in the open was and is the way to go and I would strongly urge anybody going through this conflict to seek help. Everybody deserves a good life and even though there are things that may have hurt you in the past they don't have to hurt you in the future, "Oh God I better stop I am beginning to sound like Oprah"
I would like to sincerely thank everybody that has supported me on the blog over the last year, I wish continuous strength to all my fellow harmers that are going through their own shit at the moment and just to state it again "SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE"
Thanxs John

One Year On

2006-05-11T20:05:00.000+01:00

It is one year ago since a began this blog and a lot has happened in that year, some bad and some good but all in all the outcome has been positive. Since I began this journey I began on a downhill slide until about 6 months ago when I hit rock bottom and began the journey to the surface. I think at this stage I have finally reached a point in my life where I am actually quite happy with the person I am, the mood swings are getting few and far between and the desire to harm gradually fades everyday.
Despite offers of help I decided to continue on this journey alone, well not totally alone and through talking about things I have discovered a lot about what makes me tick and the reasons behind why I do what I do. A haze has been lifted and I can see things a lot clearer now, I understand things better and I look forward more instead on dwelling to much on the past.
I would encourage anybody in a similar situation to try and get help, It is quite amazing how different life is without the burdens on your shoulders.

Been a While

2006-05-08T19:16:00.000+01:00

I have not been blogging in the last couple of weeks, I suppose I haven't really had much to say plus with everything going on at the moment I haven't really had a chance but I have decided to check in today.
On Saturday gone I had my first battle with self-harm for such a long time, I just gradually started going down and getting depressed. I am not sure why I felt this way, I have been very upbeat in the last few months but I suppose everybody is entitled to a downer every now and again. Its funny that when it comes on you it is so different from any other feeling and it is very difficult to work through it so I decided to just get out of the environment I was in, I took Holly in the car up the mountains and went for a long walk in Pine forest, there was nobody around and I really enjoyed the peace and solitude. By the time I arrived home I was feeling back to normal and a friend called and I ended going out for a drink so all in all things worked out good in the end.
The last few weeks with things going wrong with Holly and a lot of car trouble due to the NCT(National Car Test) it has depleted my resources, my holiday fund is gone and I have to count the pennies till the next pay day but on the plus side I have been making regular deposits into my credit union account and I am planning to make a little withdrawal close to my sisters wedding in August. Holly is doing great now and all her little problems seem to have cleared up and I just hope now that is the end of it.

The Bitch is Back

2006-04-24T22:10:00.000+01:00

Happy to Report...

2006-04-24T22:02:00.000+01:00

I am happy to report that all is well with Holly, after a morning in the vet and numerous X-Rays I am thrilled to say that she has gotten the all clear. It turned out that she had a bit of soft tissue damage from being so hyper but it has already healed, at the moment she is 22 kgs and the vet said the limit for her weight is 25 kgs but tomorrow I will start her walking routine again which I am really looking forward to. The vet bill came to 105.00 Euro but I should get the most back from the insurance but it was money well spent for peace of mind.
Last night I emptied the Holiday fund, I had 335.00 Euro in change but it has already been ear marked for bills but I guess I can start the fund again and maybe get away later in the year.
At the end of the day Holly is OK and at the moment that is the most important thing to me.

Why do I bother?

2006-04-23T19:45:00.000+01:00

Why do I bother? The question for today, I am so desperately trying to get things in my life in order but I have nothing but hurdles been put in my way. Over the last while I have been concentrating on getting my finances in order, I had even started a holiday fund which was doing quite good with the plan of maybe getting away to the sun in the next few months but today I had to clear that little account and cancel any future plans.
Holly has Elbow Dysplasia, a common condition in her breed which means the bones in her elbow are not developing properly, I have to bring her for an x-ray tomorrow and there is a good chance she may have to have surgery. The poor little mite has been through so much in her first 6 months of life and if this Elbow Dysplasia is not sorted out she will end up with arthritis, she has been house bound now for the last 2 weeks and I am really missing having her out.
Also I have my NCT (National Car Test) next Tuesday and already I have forked out Â500 on the car and it hasn't even had a service yet, I am so pissed of with this all.
I have been trying so hard and doing so well in the last 6 months but feel that things are spiraling out of control at the moment, I am starting to get the old feelings back but have been using some techniques I have been thought to try and deal with it all. Things are tough at the moment I don't mind saying.

As Promised

2006-04-23T19:29:00.000+01:00

Maturing

2006-04-19T19:27:00.000+01:00

Dog Day Afternoon

2006-04-17T20:23:00.000+01:00

I had a very distressing day today with Holly today, I was about to bring her for a walk today when she started screaming and lifting her paw, I didn't see her doing anything to hurt it but a few minutes she started again. I felt so helpless not being able to help her, I rang the vet but they didn't have surgery today because of the bank holiday so I had to bring her to the emergency vet in UCD and it turned out that her shoulder was inflamed, there are three bones that eventually grow into each other as she gets older and Labs are prone to inflammation as these bones grow. They gave her a shot to take down the swelling and I have to bring her to my own vet tomorrow and she seems a lot better now.
I love that little dog, she has been the best thing to come into my life in a while.

The Ugly Face of Harming

2006-04-10T19:46:00.000+01:00

I took this picture last year after a night of harming, the idea behind it was to study the picture in the cold light of day and try and see for myself what other people see. Yes it does look bad and it is definitely not normal behaviour but what is these days. Everyday you hear on the news that one person has killed another in cold blood, a cruel callus act that ends another persons life and brings devastation upon there loved ones. What a harmer does is hurt themselves and if they keep it a secret they will harm no others, unfortunately this can not be keep a secret forever and at the end of the day you are not the only one hurting. I am happy to say I have been harmfree now for about 6 months and I am doing a lot better, I have taken steps since my last episode to ensure continued success and I intend to stay harmfree and sane for the foreseeable future.

Better Late Then Never

2006-04-09T20:29:00.000+01:00

Well everybody seemed to think my Birthday was the 8th instead of the 7th, fair enough I suppose so I ended up going out last night for a drink to celebrate. I had to really push myself to go out as I am so tired and finding it difficult to get motivated in the last few weeks, I put it mainly down to work as I am crazy busy with the move.
I found myself over the last few days feeling very emotional, things keep making me want to cry but it never happens maybe it is because I don't have someone special to share that day with.
I have been making plans over the last while to do an overhaul at home, I am planning to hire a skip and clear out all the junk and do up a few rooms in the house, also change one room into an office as I am planning to start a little business over the next few months and hopefully make a few extra euro for the future.
Holly is doing good, she is going stir crazy in the house and driving me mad but hopefully on Friday she will get her stitches out and get that lampshade of her head so I can bring her out in the car and spoil her a bit.

Birthday Blues

2006-04-07T23:30:00.000+01:00

I was 34 today and I didn't recieve as much as one card.
Happy Birthday to me:-(

The Deadly Lampshade

2006-04-06T23:12:00.000+01:00

Well Holly came home today after being kept in for a night at the vets, she suffered a little bleeding but overall everything went fine. She now has to wear a lamp shade thing on her head to avoid biting on her stitches, she looks so funny and it is driving her crazy but on the plus side now we get all the channels.
I will post some pictures at the weekend.

Dog Worries

2006-04-04T08:31:00.000+01:00

Holly is going in tomorrow to get done, I will drop her in at 8am and hopefully if all goes well I will pick her up tomorrow evening. I know it is a simple procedure for the vets but I am going to feel so guilty, she will initially think she is going for a walk and be all excited but when I put her in the car and leave her in she will not know what is going on. As she is such a hyper pup the vet will keep her on sedatives for 10 days so she will not burst her stitches and she will have to wear a lamp shade on her head. I can't wait till tomorrow is over.

Just Existing

2006-03-30T08:25:00.000+01:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about my life, well actually my existence as I don't really seem to have much of a life these days. Everyday seems to consist of getting up, working like a dog, walking the dog, dinner and then bed Monday to Friday. On the weekend there is always something else to be done, I never really get a chance to have a lie on because as soon as I wake my mind starts going a mile a minute and I just have to get up. Something always happens at the weekend and every week I seem to think I am getting somewhere something happens to drag me back. I am in the frame of mind at the moment that I would love to runaway from it all, it is around these time that I turn to harming, when all these things are floating around in my head.
People always wonder why I am single, I use to wonder myself but now I know it is just not in me anymore to go out on the scene and meet anyone. It all seems like to much hard work and heart ache and I could really do without it, I am not saying that I would not like to be in relationship, to have someone to confide in but I just can't stand all the politics that goes along with dating. I suppose I am a complex person, I guess I made myself that way but I don't think I totally unlovable and I think I might have one or two good character traits. I think the fear of getting hurt again may be a factor in it and the inability to trust, I suppose until I get on top of that I will remain single forever.
This has been a broadcast for the "Feeling Sorry for Yourself Party"

What a Weekend??

2006-03-27T08:29:00.000+01:00

I had a very interesting weekend, well more action packed than anything else. On Friday night I went out for a few beers with my sister, future brother in law and my best friend, we went to our usual haunt and had a really good night but somehow didn't end up getting home till 4am, needless to say the head was not the best next morning. On Saturday I slept in till about 11am which I don't usually do but after the week in work my body needed it, when I got up it was raining but I had to bring the pup for a walk so of we went to the park. There was nobody about and her new habit is rolling around in the grass which make her soaking wet but she seems to enjoy it, she will always come when I call her but at one point she wouldn't, she just kept rolling in the grass so I had to go over and get her. It turned out she was rolling around on a dead rat, what pleasure she got from this I don't know so I had to get her home asap and give her a wash.
I had to get her into the back yard and hose her down in the pouring rain, wash her and rinse her off and she hated it to the point I thought she was going to have a seizure with the fright.
Later on I was babysitting my Godson, when I arrived at the house the was a bit of a kafufle, they had been baking and he had had an allergic reaction to the cakes as it contained egg, his eye got swollen and he had a tantrum but after he got some medicine and he was fine. The babysitting went of without incident and he even told me that he loved me, maybe it was because we had a little party planned but it is the first time in a long time that anybody has said that to me so I felt good.
On Sunday morning I got a call from my sister to tell me that my future step nephew had fallen a split his head in her house, he had to go to hospital and get 4 stitches. I picked up my sister and future niece and headed to the hospital with a change of clothes for the little guy. Poor little fella had a big shiner and was all bandage up but have to say took it all in his stride. Ahh puppies and children it's what it's all about.

Steel on Skin

2006-03-24T16:19:00.000Z

Self Harm Helpers

2006-03-23T22:10:00.000Z

I was listening to an interesting interview on the radio today about new steps in Self Harm in the UK, obviously they have a much better understanding of the self harm epidemic and are taking positive steps to help. Instead of condemning self harmer and trying to get them to stop they are instead advising them, if they have to cut they should do it in a safer way. Like supplying clean needles to drug addicts to stem the spread of HIV they will advise you how to cut and where to cut to cause as little danger of cutting an artery as possible.
Just to stress they are not supplying clean razors or anything like that but just giving advice so the harmer will not accidentally kill themselves, also they will teach you how to treat your wounds after the fact.
This give a lot of validation to the harmer, it helps them to realize that they are not abnormal and this is a problem that effects a lot of people.
I think a lot of harmers in Ireland are frowned on by the medical service as time wasters and attention seekers, one woman in the UK that went to the hospital with her Self injury said she felt acknowledged and accepted by the treatment she received and that in itself helped her.
The Self Harm epidemic is still widely considered as suicidal behaviour but it is just not true, it is a means to an end and that end is to control a stronger emotional pain. I have never been hospitalized from harming but I would like to think if I ever was that I would be treated with the respect of anybody who has an illness.

Moving Premises

2006-03-23T08:29:00.000Z

I haven't be blogging much lately due to the fact that we are moving premises in work, at the moment we are half here and half there and hopefully we will be fully moved by this time next week. The new premises are brand new with proper warehousing facilities so it should make life a lot easier for me, even thought I am a graphic designer I have resided myself to the fact that 90% of my job now is warehouse manager and my money is now a hell of a lot better.
I am looking forward to the new place, it feels like I am starting a new job and at the end of the day I will not have to do as much back breaking work as I have in the old place. Yesterday I had a funny experience, I was taking a sheet of glass of a shelving unit, it was about the size of a windscreen and I was thinking to myself what if it was to shatter in my hand. I had visions of the glass going through my hands and legs and with that it exploded in my hand, it didn't hit of anything it just exploded in my hand and shattered into a million pieces.
I stood there looking at the million pieces and everybody came running but I didn't have a scratch on me, it seems I can't even harm by accident these days.

Paddy was a Saint......I ain't

2006-03-20T08:25:00.000Z

Well another Patrick's day has come and gone, another freezing cold day with tourists from all over the world marching in the parade wearing next to nothing. I was sensible, I went for lunch had a few beers and then stayed at home in front of the TV but I wish I could say I was a sensible for the rugby finals. I met some friends in town early Saturday for some food and to watch the match, Ireland vs England, we couldn't win the championship but if we beat England we would win the triple crown and we did. I got quite hammered but overall it was a good night, I think my giving up alcohol days may be over for the time being.

Can't Bring Myself to.......

2006-03-16T08:25:00.000Z

I have a funny habit of not accepting things from people, for example in work most of the time at tea break I make the tea or coffee, its mainly because I don't have the patience to wait around for anybody else to do it. Sometimes some body else will do it and I refuse to have a cup even though I really want one, I will wait until it is made and then pretend I have changed my mind and make my own. I find it difficult to think of somebody going out of there way for me even though I do not have a problem doing it for them, I find I analyze every single thing that is done for me even a simple cup of tea.
Overall this year so far has been good, I have achieved a lot and find I am a lot happier in my own skin. I am happier in work due to the fact that I have gotten another pay rise, I have managed to get my debts under control and over all the stress levels in my life have gone way down. When I had therapy last years I reckoned that it didn't do anything for me but now I think on some level it must have. The harming thoughts have not entered my head since late last year, I have not gotten myself into a situation that I feel the need to harm and the overall panic about my life seems to have subsided.
I think about going to see somebody but worry then that it might drag up the old memories that I have filed away, if I am happy at the moment do I really need to drag up the past again and have to go through that merry go round again. I am now looking to the future and have left the past where it belongs, in the past.

The Human Canvas

2006-03-15T09:09:00.000Z

I saw a very interesting programme on Channel 4 last night called the Human Canvas about a load of different performance artist who had some unusual and painful methods of showing their work, as a matter of fact they where the work.
It is hard to explain what they do without making it sound mad but I could really understand where they where coming from not that I would ever partake in any of it.

Flesh Hanging
Flesh hanging is where people are suspended by hooks going through there skin, usually there upper back, knees, elbows and anywhere generally where the skin was thickest. They would be hanged and put on display either in a show or for photograph purposes, one group was hanged by the back and knees so they where in a sitting pose and a table was suspended in front of them so they had a tea party like some kind of bizarre Alice in Wonderland. The people that had the hooks inserted never complained about the pain, instead they said they had a feeling of uphoria, some went into shock from the trauma to there bodies but over all they seemed to enjoy the experience.

Scarification
Scarification is where scars are made in the body as art; the pattern you desire is draw onto your skin and them somebody will cut the skin deep enough to cause the desired scar. One girl who had been in a car accident was left with scarring on her chest, instead of having the scar repaired through plastic surgery she had them deepened and more added. Most of these processes are done by regular people with no medical training, most of the time it is done with no anaesthetic and the patient seems to enjoy the though of pushing there bodies past its limits.

Another woman had a load of plastic surgery done while she was conscience, and during the entire process she read poetry.
It would be fascinating to know what goes on in these people's minds, for most of society it is wrong but who are we to judge. Granted it is not the healthiest of activities but there are worse things they could be doing, I suppose it is their idea of the body beautiful and after all isn't that what most of society is trying to achieve.

Visit the site at The Human Canvas

Thousands of Self-harmers Visiting A&E

2006-03-13T22:22:00.000Z

Markam sent me this article today and I thought it was worth putting up:

Up to 11,000 people who randomly harm themselves visit Accident & Emergency clinics every year, it emerged tonight.The issue of parasuicide or deliberate self-harm, will be discussed at the Health Service Executive’s (HSE) first forum on suicide prevention in Dublin tomorrow.The event was organised by the HSE’s National Office for Suicide Prevention, which was set up after a September 2005 report, ’Reach Out- A National Strategy for Action on Suicide Prevention’.

The HSE said there was an average of 494 deaths by suicide between 2000 and 2002. It is also estimated that up to 11,000 people present themselves at A&E departments each year as a result of deliberate self-harm.National Suicide Prevention Office director Geoff Day will also present findings to the forum of recent research in the field of suicide prevention.Derek Chambers, research and resource officer with the National Suicide Review Group, will outline some of the national initiatives funded by €1.2m additional Government grants in 2005.

Mr Day said: “This forum is a particularly significant event. Tragically, suicide in Ireland is a growing phenomenon, this forum will allow the opportunity to share the work of the office, consider some recent research and discuss some of the specific initiatives to be pursued in this area.“I am hopeful that an opportunity will be provided for all involved in the area of suicide prevention to learn and share relevant information which will assist in dealing with this serious problem.”

Co Donegal group, Community Relations will also give a presentation on how it uses its www.spunout.ie website as a source of information, guidance and support to thousands of young people.
President Mary McAleese is also due to address the Forum.

Wales

2006-03-10T08:33:00.000Z

I had a great weekend last weekend in Wales, it is such a beautiful country and it was great to get away from the city foe a while. I stayed in a village called Llanbehr, if you blinked you would miss it but it was very quaint and buried deep in the Welsh valley's. Most days I would walk and explore the scenery or head into Cardiff and do some shopping, all in all it was great to get out and recharge the batteries.
I found after a few days I was missing Holly, she has become very close to me and after contacting home I found she was pining for me a bit and I have to say it is good to know that there is a little creature out there that loves you that much.
As we are not 100% sure what age she is, we now have to let her go through her first season before we can get her neutered and it has just begun, my baby is becoming a woman. It will mean keeping here in for 3 weeks which will drive her mad and then it is a further 6 - 8 weeks before she can get done. I would hate the thoughts of here getting caught as she is only a baby herself.
All in all things are good, my good and bad list is in favour of the good these days and even though I am kind of afraid to say it but I think the harming days might be behind me as I have been harmfree now for about 5 months. I am keeping really busy and trying to just take one day at a time, I know there are other areas in my life I need to work on but it will all come together in time.

Death & Harm

2006-03-08T08:37:00.000Z

A lot of my harming comes from emotional trauma and the only way around this is to try and avoid it but the death of a loved one is something that comes to us at some point. When Carl died I felt incredible guilt that I could not have taken his place, I wished constantly that it was me that had the cancer and not him, I felt worthless and felt I deserved to die not him. When he passed away I could not deal with it in the conventional sense, instead I decided to punish myself for being alive while he was dead so I did what came natural to me, I harmed.
At the time he died I had no other choice but to get on with things, the harming helped me cope and get on with things that I would otherwise find impossible. My emotions where erratic and I found it almost impossible to sort them out in my head, I did not have time to grieve so as time went on I harmed more and more severely.
The out come of this was 4 years of trying to get it all clear in my head and now I am at a point where I have accepted what has happened, it still hurts to think about it but it does not have the damaging effect it once had. My inability to handle these type of situations is my downfall and it worries me where I am in that situation again, I would recommend bereavement counseling to anybody who is finding it hard to deal with the loss of a loved on, just getting the words out there makes a huge difference and even though the pain never goes away you will learn to deal with it and move on.

Motivation restored....Kind of

2006-02-27T08:31:00.000Z

I had a very productive weekend, I had a few tasks that I set out to do and I got them done and it feels good. It is good to come into work on a Monday and know that you have not wasted the weekend, on Thursday I am heading of to Wales for a long weekend and I am really looking forward to it as it is my first break away in a long while. At the moment my finances are in great shape and I can afford to splash out a bit, it is great not to have money worries for a change and know that everything that I spend is mine and I won't end up having to pay later.
All in all life is good at the moment.

I See Dead People....

2006-02-23T08:34:00.000Z

I have been dreaming constantly over the last couple of week about dead people, very vivid dreams of people that have pasted but in my dreams they never died and now they are conflicting with my life now. In the dreams I am the same person and I know they are suppose to be dead but I have to try and work my life around it and every night it is a different person, last night it was my grandmother. I am not sure why these people are in my dreams and what it is all suppose to mean.
Last night I was very down for no particular reason, I came home and walked the dog as usual and as soon as I got home I just didn't want to speak. I didn't feel like harming but I did feel the emotional numbness that goes along with it so I decided just to go to bed and try and forget about it and it worked as I am feeling better today.

Brighter Evening

2006-02-21T08:38:00.000Z

At last the evenings are starting to get a little brighter, it mean when I get home from work I can now take Holly up to the park, let her of the lead and have a good run. As it is rush hour there is nobody about and I don't have to worry about her running of and it is good for me to have a bit of alone time to unwind. Apart from the whole lack of motivation recently things are good, we are currently moving premises in work, I got a pay rise and for the first time in a long time I actually have some extra cash to play with. I am going away on Thursday week for a long weekend to Wales to see some friends, I am really looking forward to getting out of Dublin for a while.
I have been having very bizarre dreams recently, I feel I am dreaming all night and when I wake up I only remember bits and pieces, I must get on the net and see what they mean. I am actively looking for a therapist at the moment, someone I can see maybe twice a month just to talk. I don't want to go down the road of digging up the past and getting myself into the same state I was in a couple of months back, I just have questions I would like to get answered but at the moment I am in a good place and I don't want to upset the balance.
I found out at the weekend that I am not actually up for a blogger award, I was only nominate but didn't get enough to make the short list, ah well I guess I will have to wait another year for fame and fortune.

Lack of Motivation

2006-02-16T13:04:00.000Z

I am finding it increasingly difficult these days to get myself motivated, since Christmas I feel that I have come to a stand still, I don't really go out all that much and find it a hastle just to make time for friends. I spend a lot of time on my own and I am quite happy with that but I know it is wrong, I have not really been blogging that much as I am sure you can tell. I am not sure what the problem is, I have not harmed or had any desire to harm in the last few months but I am feeling quite drained, it is like some part of me has shut down and I just can't seem to reactivate it.
I have been of work this week with a sinus infection and am spending most of the time just searching the internet for something, I don't know what it is but I am endlessly searching. I think things are a bit of an anti climax at the moment, everytime I achieve a goal there is a sense of finality, another problem out of the way but it does not get me to where I want to be. To be honest I don't even know where I want to be anymore.
I am going away for a few days at the start of March, maybe I can reflect on things when I am in a different environment.

Loan

2006-02-10T08:39:00.000Z

Well I have managed to get my finances under control this week, I applied for a consolidated loan from my bank and was approved within 15 minutes, I have now paid off my Credit Card, Car and computer loan and my out goings for the month have gone from almost €1000 to €335.
I am going to increase my payments into the credit union and hopefully by the summer I might be able to afford a holiday. It is a great relief to have it out of the way and it is one less thing to worry about, all in all it has been a productive week.
On Wednesday night I was fixing my computer, I had the hatch on the side opened and was trying to get at some screws to remove my CDRom, I put the computer on its side and the hatch closed on my hand, a sharp corner of metal stuck into my hand and cut right down to the bone.
It is the first time in I don't know how long that I have cut myself by accident. I watched the blood flow for a while realized that I did not feel any pain, I was fascinated by the whole experience and it kind of made me feel indestructible, I am not sure what to make of it.

Tough Weekend

2006-02-07T08:32:00.000Z

I had a tough weekend, Self Harm fantasies where plaguing me as I was feeling quite low but I did not succumb. I guess it was all that has gone on in the last while kind of hit me and I got into a panic about things again, every aspect in my life at the moment is a bit up side down and I am struggling to get on top but gradually I am getting there.
I suppose the fact that I have not harmed is an achievement in itself, when I feeling comes over you it is very hard to resist, each time you resist it makes the next time harder. When you look at it, I have been doing this to cope for so long, I don't really have another way to get through so it is like going cold turkey and every so often I want a taste, just once to make the pain go away for another while but it only takes one time to begin the cycle again.
At the weekend I was asked to write an article for an organization in the UK, they are a Self Harm awareness group Life Signs and I have agreed to write the article for their newsletter. I will put a link to there site later. Yesterday I also started back at the gym after being away since before Christmas, it felt good to be back but I am sore today.

Radio Show

2006-02-03T10:28:00.000Z

I was listening this morning to a chat show on the radio and they where talking about Self Harm, as the months go by it is becoming as popular a subject as eating disorders where in the 90's. Hopefully with all the added radio, TV and Newspaper coverage it may encourage the Government to fund organizations to help young people deal with this epidemic. I hate the thought of a kid harming themselves because they feel there is nowhere left to turn, I would hate the thought of my Godson in a few years feeling that he had no other choice but to cut his skin just to get through like I did. I wish I knew how to do more to help and get the message out there and I feel that blogging is not anymore.

Almost a Week Later

2006-02-03T10:23:00.000Z

Well Sunday will be a week since the article was printed and the people visiting the Blog has not increased, I thought I would have been inundated with comments but the numbers have stayed the same. It would be nice to know who is visiting and what kind of reaction they are having to the blog, it has been a tough week for me and I found myself struggling a bit but I got through it again, another battle won.
I having been trying my best this week to start and get things in order, the top of the agenda is finances, I reckon if I can get a consolidated loan from the bank, pay of all my other debts and only have on payment coming out each month then I could afford to start therapy again. Most of the prices I have gotten are between €100 - €120 an hour and then there is no guarantee I will find the right one straight off.
I found out this week that my blog has been nominated for an award, Best Personnel Blog in the Irish Blog Awards, the awards take place on March 11th so that should be interesting and it may bring more people to the site. Apart from that no other news, I have a very quiet weekend planned, as once again I am broke maybe I will win the Euromillions and I can have therapy all day long:-)

Movin' On

2006-01-30T19:17:00.000Z

Well with the article published, the Blog working away and all that I have done with Samaritans behind me it has me stumped as to what to do next. At some stage last year I had a strong feeling that the direction I was heading was my future, I thought my future lay in helping others like me but unfortunately I can hardly help others if I can't help myself. I am trying to focus on getting my life in order but I am finding it increasingly difficult, sometimes I think it might be best to wipe the slate clean and start over some place else, I know it is not a solution to all my problems but new scenery may be a positive step.
The thing is I am afraid of change, I am afraid to face it on my own but sometimes I feel if I just grab the bull by the horns and do it things will change but what if they don't. I feel I am in a protective bubble, I am not happy in this bubble but it is safe and familiar. Every year I make baby steps towards my goals when I really want to run to them but fear always holds me back.
I have plans, they float around in my head and step by step I am starting to achieve them, I have a plan to get myself out of financial trouble but it is risky and I am afraid it will go wrong and make matters worse.
I have spent my life shaking it off and getting back on the horse, these days I am spending more time on the horse than on the ground but I need to take risks to extend those periods. My harming has not been a problem in a while and I think it is due to the fact that I have run away from things that would cause me to harm, things that might stress me but if I don't face these stresses I will never advance in life, it is all a vicious circle.
For the longest time my coping mechanism for stress was harming, if I don't want to harm I don't get myself stressed but to get on in life you need to face stress and that is the thing holding me back. I want to get help and I have been looking into different therapies and shrinks but they are all to expensive for me at the moment until I get my finances sorted. I would love to just sit down and talk to somebody that would just listen and offer me some answers, someone that has dealt with people like me before and just learn a better way of coping without harming and hopefully I will be able to find that in the future.

Article Aftermath

2006-01-29T20:07:00.000Z

Well the response so far to the article has been positive, well I have only had friends calling me to let me know how good it was and that it is a very good, well written and informative article.
I would like to thank Markham for writing the article and treating it with the care and consideration the subject needed but I would just like to point out that I have never gone to the hospital due to my injuries, once or twice I got close to going but thankfully I managed to patch myself up. I think if I did go to hospital it would have opened up a whole new can of worms and I would have been sectioned.
I hope the article will encourage people who Harm to contact Samaritan to get help or even have somebody to talk to and I hope it might shake up the Government to realize that this is a genuine problem that needs to be addressed.
As for how I am feeling, it did shock me seeing my name on the front of the paper, reading a two page article knowing that my struggle was the subject. I am in two minds about it but mainly positive that it will do some good in the long run.

Sunday Business Post

2006-01-29T10:51:00.000Z

The article is in the Sunday Business Post today in the agenda section.
If you can't get a copy you can read it at the link below:
http://www.sundaybusinesspost.com/post/pages/p/story.aspx-qqqt=INSIDE%20STORY-qqqs=agenda-qqqid=11299-qqqx=1.asp

In Harm's Way

2006-01-23T16:20:00.000Z

Last year I did a lot, a lot of good things, a lot of stupid things and a lot of pointless things. I relied on people to help me make the changes I wanted in my life, well actually I wanted the people the make the changes for me but that obviously can't happen so I failed. Now I need to push that all to one side and start the process again, I have to do it on my own if I am to come out the other side happier and healthier and I need to confront my demons head on.
At the end of the day I control my destiny, people come and go but at the end of the day there is only me who has to live with me. I am actually quite a normal person, I get up in the morning, go to work, eat, drink and sleep like a normal person. On the outside looking at me you would not know that I take pleasure in dragging a blade across my skin, you would not know that I am plagued sometimes with harming fantasies and you would not know that there is sometimes a person inside screaming for help.
I have never asked for help until last year, I believed that if I could ride it out long enough it would go away as it always does for a while. I have spent so much time riding it out that it is second nature, I expect the bad days and I always get by some how. I have gone through a lot over the years, I recount things that have happened and I shock myself sometime, a lot of the time I look on it as being another person, ying and yang and unfortunately these are the cards I have been dealt.
Do I want a better live? Of course. Do I know what to do to make it better? Hell No!! I wish there was a magical solution, a pill I could take to forget the past, to stop the burning memories and pain but there isn't so what's the next step. I could continue on this see saw of harming or not harming as I am doing now, I mean life is livable at the moment but until when, I might get another knock back and the cycle will start up again. I wish I had some answers to give but I don't, I guess I will just have to keep searching.

What Goes On In My Head?

2006-01-21T18:17:00.000Z

A good question and to be honest I don't even know, as clear as somethings get or as far along the path I get there is always the dark muggy side. The side that makes me do things that I know are wrong but I do them anyway, the part that makes me lash out for no reason and hurt people around me and then I have to live with the regret afters. I know I am responsible for my actions, usually I will punish myself accordingly but I can be held accountable for everything that happens around me. Deep inside there is a good person, people love me so there must be something that others see but I never do, I only see the bad and then I strike.
I have tried so hard to be someone different, to be a better person but this is who I am and if I don't learn to love that person then it is going to end up a long and lonely road. At this moment for the first time in a long time the Harming bugs are out, I can feel the sensation of the first cut on my skin and I want to embrace it and get out of it for a while. I have done so many stupid things in my life but what I have been doing over the last few month has to be by far the dumbest.
Last year was a very difficult year, I took so many steps and for a while I thought I was starting to make progress, all the attention I was getting for being a Harmer felt like it was putting me into some kind of Limelight. I felt I needed to harm more just to keep up, to keep people interested and to have something to write.
I have always harmed but sometimes I would go through months without even thinking of it, last year however it was all I thought about, even when I didn't feel like harming I was writing about it, reading about it or talking about it and I became the problem not the Harming. I enjoyed all the attention and I took full advantage of it, I created situations to get more attention as I was craving it so much. I feel that everything I was doing was for the wrong reason even though a lot of what I had done was positive in other peoples eyes.
The majority of harming incidences last year were genuine but sometime I harmed just for the sake of it and that is a whole new problem in itself. The last time I harmed was the beginning of the end, it was my rock bottom, it was the first time I harmed so bad that I actually feared for my life and ever since then I have not harmed, today the thoughts are with me but the will is strong.
I can understand if people read this and decide to throw the towel in, I totally understand, I don't really deserve the people in my life but if I ask for a second chance and maybe somewhere down the line a third, Will you deny me?

Sorry

2006-01-21T12:37:00.000Z

In the last few months I have been venting about certain people and an organisation, a lot of what I said was through frustration and was not all entirely accurate. I would like to apologies to those people and Samaritan if I have said anything that hurt you, it was not my intention to do so.
I will watch what I say in the future and endeavor to bring the blog back to what it is suppose to be about instead of using it as my own personnel soap box.

Failed Attempt

2006-01-17T08:41:00.000Z

Well my good plans to get back to the gym failed, ah well that's the way it goes. By the end of yesterday I just did not feel like it so I gave it a miss, I figured I am getting plenty of exercise walking the dog but last night I tried to walk her and she would not budge, she is very stubborn maybe that is why I love her so much. I have got in contact with a woman nearby that trains dogs using non punishable means, I like the sound of that as I hate having to scold her and if I can do it through other means I will.
I have been doing very good in the last while on eBay, it is hard work but things seem to be moving along quite nicely and I am starting to turn a profit. I have not even start really putting up some of the more expensive stuff but I will keep at it and hopefully start getting the bills cleared.
My plans for a winter holiday have to be put on the back burner, I was hoping to get away to the sun for a week but I have my cars NCT coming up and then my Sisters wedding at the end of the year so I will need to keep any money I have for both of them. I am hoping to even get away to England or someplace near for a few long weekends but I will have to see how the funds are.
Apart from all that nothing really strange or startling, I am still harm free, I am even harm thinking free and last year is beginning to seem like a blur.
We are moving premises in work, my boss has bought a new building and we are moving there in the coming weeks, it is nearer to home and it will be good to get out of this mouse infested dump. We have to do a trade fair this weekend so it will mean giving up my Sunday but at least I get 2 days holidays for it, now if only I had the money to go anywhere!!! :-)

Fresh Start

2006-01-16T08:43:00.000Z

I woke up this morning for the first time in ages feeling awake, I had a spring in my step and that awful fatigue seems to have passed. I am planning to get back to the gym today as I have not been there since before Christmas, I suppose the renewed vigor might have something to do with getting some stuff sorted out at the weekend with a good friend of mine, things that had been unsaid and therefore the friendship suffered and nearly end but I am glad to say a good chat has put the world to rights.
I got the Sunday Business Post yesterday morning and no article, I have not heard yet but I don't think it has been published as I have not had any extra activity on the blog. I think at this stage I want to put all last year behind me and everything I did, at the end of the day I found it all more harmful than good. I am going to concentrate on the here and now and getting through everything day by day, I think all the dealing with the harm situation made it escalate and somewhere along the way I lost control of my life and the harming.

Tired

2006-01-12T08:42:00.000Z

I am finding myself exhausted in the last few days, maybe it is the January blues but no matter how much I sleep I just can't shake this fatigue. I have not returned to the gym since Xmas and I find every bit of spare time I get is consumed by trying to catch up with people I have not seen in a while. I considered taking a long weekend of at the end of the month but if I where to visit friends away the weekend would consist of going out and drinking and I have had enough of that for the foreseeable future. I have decided I will not drink again until my sisters wedding in August, I have to get myself together and start my training for the marathon in October.
On other news, Markham has informed me that the article may have been in the papers last weekend, he is 100% on that as he was away but will let me know. If it wasn't in last week it should be in this weeks Sunday Business Post. If anybody is interested in reading the article and can't get a copy I will post the article next week.
Apart from that nothing new or exciting. I have not harmed since last year which would be more of an achievement if it wasn't only January but one step at a time.

Time Off

2006-01-10T12:45:00.000Z

I have called in sick to work the last two days, I just need a break from the place and some time to get my head together. The events of the last few weeks have been very hard on me and it is a struggle to get through them, mainly my love life or lack of and I am struggling to understand what I did wrong. I can't seem to get any answers and I suppose the way things are I never will, I just have to find a way of getting over another broken heart just as it had repaired itself from Carl's death. I am very confused.

Edgy

2006-01-06T12:07:00.000Z

I finding myself a bit stressed out and edgy today, it is the first time I have felt like this in a while. Tonight we have out Xmas party, I am dreading it and could really do without it and I will be alcohol free. On a brighter note I had Holly at the vet yesterday for a follow up and she is in perfect health now, she is her right size and everything seems to have cleared up.

Self Harm

2006-01-05T08:39:00.000Z

I have not had the desire or need to Harm since my last episode several months ago now and because of this I do not really have much to say on the Blog. I went through a bout of depression before Christmas a felt very low but throughout the entire time I did not harm, last year was a strange year. I thought everything that I had done in the year regarding the whole Self Harm issue was wrong, I put myself out there 110% and trusted and discussed things that I had never told anybody and now at the start of 2006 I am alone again but still I have not Harmed and have no intention of doing so in the foreseeable future.
If I have realized anything in 2005, that is not to put to much trust in people, the friends I have, since before I started this journey are still around and will always be my friends, some friends I made during the journey turns out not to be friends at all, just people that had there own agenda and when they got what they wanted I was dropped, I suppose that is life and it is also a life lesson for me, take people at face value and always keep them at arms length.
Once Bitten Twice Shy.

Anti Climax

2006-01-03T22:31:00.000Z

Well today I was all preferred for the war of words after me mistake sending that text message the other day and there was nothing, the boss came in and treated me as if it was never sent. I ended up having to broach the subject with him and he simple said that he put it down to Christmas Madness, I apologied but he told me to forget it and there was no animosity.
On a stranger note, I was working away today and I heard a noise in the showroom and I found a live Chicken wandering around, I have no idea where it came from or whether it thought it was a turkey and was in hiding but everytime I managed to get it out on door it came in the other.
Just one of those wacky days I suppose and yes other people saw it too.

Release the Beast....

2006-01-02T19:04:00.000Z

Holly, the love of my life is coming on leaps and bounds, she eats like a horse and has the most fiestiest little spirit I have ever seen in such a young pup. After a few scary weeks with her before Christmas she is 100% better, it seemed that when we got her she was a lot younger than we where told, our vet reckons she was only about 6 - 7 weeks old when we where told she was 9, she had never been weaned of her mother and was put straight onto solid food in the process this messed up her system and gave her very bad digestive problems. I was told by the vet that if we did not get it under control the out come would not be good.
We had to start her back on a milk substitute, feeding her small amounts on regular intervals, on top of that she was on medication to settle her stomach and an anti biotic. After a few days we started her on solid puppy but it was a special food for pups with sensitive stomachs, it took us about 2 weeks to get it under control but we did and now she is thriving. It would have been very tough to see her go down hill and even though we only have her a little while she is a huge part of my life now.
Today I took her to the park with my Godson, they ran the legs of each other and she slept for the entire evening before the beast needed to be fed again.

First Post 2006

2006-01-01T00:18:00.000Z

And so 2005 comes to an end, a year I am very happy to put behind me and now a chance of a clean slate. I find New years eve one of the hardest and most depressing time, there is nothing on the TV but coverage and there is just no getting away from it, maybe I will reach a point one day when it will not depress the bejesus out of me but until the it is 365 days away until I have to face it again.
And so a new chapter starts.....

Out With The Old.....

2005-12-30T18:00:00.000Z

As 2006 rapidly approaches I can look back at 2005 with mixed feelings, the year I learnt to drive, the year I sought help for the first time, the year I admitted I had a problem, the year I loved and lost again, the year I started the blog, the year I harmed less than most other years, the year I became more the person I want to be in the future, the year I lost my best friend and the year I stood up for myself just a little.
Tomorrow night at the strike of twelve the old John will go, I plan to make many changes next year and start a whole new ball game. No more whining and moping, I am going to everything I can for myself to become a much better person, I am going to take on a new career, get my heart and head in check and get myself to the peak of physical fitness. There is a lot I am going to have to give up, all the things that are bad for me and that includes putting away my trusty blade who have brought me so much pleasure and pain in the last 26 years.
On Wednesday night I did a stupid thing, well at the time I thought it was a stupid thing but now I am not so sure. I sent a text message to a girl I work with referring to my boss as a "prick" but unfortunately I didn't send it to her, I sent it to my boss and now I wonder was it my subconscious trying to tell me something. I don't dislike the guy, far from it but I was just pissed off with him over the Christmas bonus and had not had a chance to discuss it with him. I am not in work until Tuesday but I feel I can make it a vehicle to discuss the bigger picture with him, I want out and if this is the way it has to be well then so be it.
I have been neglecting my Blog in the last while and I intend to get myself back on course to help my fellow harmers, I may have only experience to offer but judging by some recent comments I have received from another harmer friend it seems to be worth while. At least there is one more person out there that realizes that they are not alone.
The article for the Newspaper has been pushed back again to sometime in January, as soon as I have an update I will let you know and post the article for those who can not get the paper. My life has been enhanced recently by my new pup Holly, after a rocky road with her due to the fact that she was taken away from her mother too soon she has made a remarkable recovery and was out for her first walk to day.
I have also been selling my old comics on eBay over the last few months and it is going really well, the plan is to sell them all and pay off my credit card, unfortunately most of the money I have made so far has to pay to get me to next payday due to a bad bonus but as the say "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

It's Over.......Thank God

2005-12-26T21:34:00.000Z

Well Christmas is all over and done with now thank God, I am not religious but than fucking Christ this shite holiday is done for another year and I survived it. All that back breaking work, all that money spent for 24 hours of over eating and drinking and recieving token presents that you don't even want or need. And after all the stress I have been under in work, the last two months of non stop slogging I recieved a supermarket voucher for €200, he gave me this pitiful excuse for a bonus for a supermarket that is nowhere near me or even a place that I would ever generally shop at. I was in shock but I suppose I should thank him as he has thought me another lesson in life and come January first my life and attitude is going to change towards people. I am so sick of being taken advantage of by people, being used because I am a push over Well not anymore, John is dead.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T08:55:00.000Z

Just a quick note to wish all my blogger friends a very Happy Christmas.
xx
John

Meningitis

2005-12-23T06:22:00.000Z

I got a phone call the other day from my best friends mother to tell me he was in hospital with suspected meningitis, I got am awful fright as I had not been in contact with him for a while due to the way I had been feeling and if anything was to happen to him I don't know how I would live with myself. I called him and we had a chat, he sounded awful, he told me he had woke up with a severe pain in the front of his head and his eyes where hurting him if they where opened or closed, they had done a CAT Scan and Spinal Tap but still where not able to find the problem.
I asked him how he was and he said he was not good at all, I was really frightened, I tried to put it out of my head but I kept thinking the worst. I wanted to go and see him but if it was meningitis he would not be able to have visitors, I called his mother as she was going up yesterday and told her to call me with any news, she did and thankfully they had ruled out meningitis but had not found the problem yet. I went to see him last night, he looks bad and is in a lot of pain, they have him on a intravenous anti biotic and a lot of painkillers. I hope to know more today.

Gettin it Together

2005-12-17T20:30:00.000Z

I had a productive day today, I got up early and headed into town to get all the festive holiday buying crap out of the way, got a haircut and was home by 11am. I am finding myself waking up at 5am every morning and going around all day in a daze, almost as if I have jetlag, I have a constant headache but I think it is just being so tired and I know I will be OK when the whole holiday stuff is over. I have never been a fan of Christmas but this year I am really not looking forward to it, I find all the Christmas songs on the radio depressing and have to switch it of sometimes. Most people are dying for December 25th but I am dying for December 26th when it is all over, yes I am Scroodge, Bah humbug!!!

Grey Goose and Cherry Coke

2005-12-15T20:08:00.000Z

When I lived in New York I lived on Cherry Coke, I loved the stuff and couldn't get enough but when I came home I could not get it anywhere. My alcohol drink of choice over there was Grey Goose vodka, it is expensive top shelf vodka but I loved it, last week I saw a bottle of it in the local supermarket, a small bottle costs €45.00 and I promised myself I would buy myself a bottle for Christmas.
My bosses wife returned from NY after a Christmas shopping spree and low and behold she had a large bottle of Grey Goose and a 2 litre of Cherry Coke for me. I was stunned, I had mentioned it to her before but never in a million years would I have expected her to bring it back for me, I offered to pay for it but she said no, it was a Christmas present.
It has restored my faith in the Christmas spirit.

Not Mad, Just sad

2005-12-13T21:56:00.000Z

I don't want to give people the impression that I am mad or out of control at the moment, I am just down. I am incredible busy in work at the moment and am being taken total advantage of, sometimes I think I am reaching total exhaustion but I am counting the 8 working days left till it is all over. I am not suicidal and I have not harmed since my last episode, neither have I gone out or drank since then. I have been devoting all my spare time to eBay and am at last starting to make some money, Holly also takes up a lot of time as she has not been well in the last week but now she is on the mend.
I thank everybody for there support but I really can't talk to anybody about this at the moment, I hate the sound of my own voice and value the sound of silence when I can get it. I would love to live on a Island alone for a while, free of people and phones.

The Straw the Broke the Camels Back

2005-12-12T21:38:00.000Z

I suppose there has been many straws over the last few months, I feel I have made such a fool of myself over many thing, maybe I was deluded in thinking that I could finally have found happiness but unfortunately it was all a lie. I think for all I have done this year I did for the wrong reasons, I didn't do it for me, I did it for everybody else and when it was all over I was left alone. When I say alone I don't mean it in the physical sense, I think people got tired of me and listening to me go on, maybe I expected a quick fix and so maybe did they but I wish it was that easy. It is great for other people to be able to have issues with me and to be able to blame it on my condition, after all I am the guy who cuts himself and for a long time that is the way I was thinking but NO!!.
I do have issues but inside I am the same person I was a year again but only now I am a bit more confused but I will survive, I have till now and I will continue to do so on my own.

Keeping it Together

2005-12-11T10:28:00.000Z

I am finding it hard to keep it together at the moment, I seem to be in a constant struggle to stop myself from flipping. I haven't harmed but have had fantasies, there is a lot going on at the moment and for some reason I think when I hit Christmas it will all be over. Chance would be a fine thing, its just a case of keeping on keeping on.

5 Years On....

2005-12-08T20:47:00.000Z

Today, December 8th, 5 years ago at 1am Carl died and even though I have gotten use to him not being around anymore I still miss him everyday. What makes matters worse is I have nowhere to go to remember him, his ashes are scattered in a place that you can't just walk into but he is where he wanted to be. He was the best man I have ever know and I will never find anybody that was half as great as him.

Deck the Halls.......

2005-12-06T21:40:00.000Z

Over the last while my sister and I decided that we would surprise my mother with an early Christmas present of a new puppy and after spending a while trying to find a female Golden Retriever pup we finally found one in Mullingar. I spoke to the guy we where buying it of and got all the details and agreed to go and see the pup on Saturday morning and if we liked her we would take her. The guy who was breeding the pups owned a farm past Mullingar just outside Ballinashack which is about a 90 minute drive from Dublin, we arrived on time, didn't get lost and the whole set up seemed good, we met the farmer who was a little odd but he showed us the pup and she was beautiful, we where very happy and we took her home ready to surprise Mother but little did we know we where the ones that would get the surprise.
After the 90 minute journey home we arrived in the door with the pup in our arms ready to surprise our mam but she wasn't in. We laid down paper on the kitchen floor and let the pup have a ramble around, I sat on the floor and watched her until she decided to have a pee and I noticed where it was coming from, she was a he. I picked him up and checked out the under carriage and indeed he had all the wrong equipment. My mother arrived home and was so excited to see the pup but wasn't best pleased to find out it was a boy, we have only ever had a male dog once when we where babies and she is not a fan.
I called the guy we got the pup from and told him the mistake, he checked the remaining litter and low and behold there was the female, we arranged to go back down there on Sunday and exchange the pup.
Over the next few hours I became attached to Sammy and even named him, for a 9 week old pup he was so smart and loving. He fell asleep in my arms and gradually worked his way up to my shoulder and feel asleep with his head leaning on mine and I felt I really wanted to keep him. I think my mother saw how happy he was making me and said that we could keep him but I knew she was saying it for my benefit and at the end of the day it was going to be her dog and if she couldn't warm to him then what was the point, we even went as far and thinking of getting them both but it would have been to big a commitment for me and I could not guarantee where I would be in a years time so giving it back was the only option, hopefully he has a good home by now.
We went back down and collected Holly, she is so beautiful. I have to say she is a ray of light in my life at the moment and I am am so happy to have her in it. I am looking forward to when she has all her shots and I can bring her out and show her off.

SAMMY

2005-12-04T20:33:00.000Z

HOLLY

2005-12-04T20:29:00.000Z

Hard to Blog

2005-12-03T23:31:00.000Z

I am having a difficult time at the moment with a lot of things, I am finding it hard to pick up the phone and talk to people even close friends, I am finding it hard to write anything on the blog even though a huge part of me wants to, I am finding it hard to be in busy places or large companies of people, I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything, I am finding it hard not having anything to look forward to, I am finding it hard being on my own most of the time, I am finding it hard that people have given up on me, I am finding it hard to get the help I need, I am finding it hard to keep it all together, I am finding it hard to rationalize things, I am finding it hard losing the people closest to me and I am just finding it hard.

Still Here

2005-11-27T22:36:00.000Z

Just a note to say hello, having a bad time at the moment and bringing myself to blog is difficult.
I have to say I am overwhelmed by all the comments of support, I guess the novelty of the Self harmer has worn of.

Low

2005-11-19T19:41:00.000Z

I am feeling low tonight, I can't seem to motivate myself to get myself together to go out, I am tempted to just head into town and have a few drinks but if I go out alone and drink I know what will happen. I am just lonely I suppose.
I have not heard if the article is going into the paper tomorrow but if I find out I will put up a post.

Closing In

2005-11-18T08:30:00.000Z

I had a terrible nightmare last night, it was short but it has really affected me today and I would love to find out what it means. I was in my house walking to the front door, as I got to it I heard the key going in and it opened, it was Carl, I feel to the floor and he told me it was ok, I curled up into a ball against the wall and he said that some people where here to see me. He opened the door and there where thousands of people outside, a lot of them I knew, a lot where close friends and they where all asking me questions. I felt something snap in my mind and I started screaming "I wish you would all leave me alone I can't take it anymore" with that I started to claw at my arm tearing lumps of flesh of but there was no blood. I curled in to the fetus position and felt it all just slip away, I felt in the dream I had totally snapped and felt as if everything was gone.
I think because I am coming down with something and have a bit of a fever that it may have spurred this dream, I felt as if it went on for hours but I had only been asleep 30 minutes.
My auction on eBay has not yielded any results yet but there is still 5 days left on it, I am just hoping I will get something out of it. I still haven't heard if the article will be in the paper this weekend for definite but as soon as I do I will let you know and I will post it for people who can't get it.

eBay

2005-11-17T08:37:00.000Z

I have been feeling quite down in the last few days, I think it is combination of what has transpired in the last few weeks, the fact that I am not feeling well and the simple fact that I think I am suffering from exhaustion from work. I think it is just a case of pushing through and trying not to crack as there is only about a month of this craziness to go until it is over. I am also stressed about Christmas as I am quite low on cash and I only have one more pay day till then, I am relying on getting a decent bonus this year so I can afford it.
Last night I spent about 3 hours getting things together for eBay and I ended up putting up about 40 items for auction, the auction will last for about 7 days and hopefully it will yield something, I am going to do the same tonight and hopefully I can start paying of my debts with it. I am determined to be debt free by the end of next year.
I have a lot of things that I brought back from America, things I hoped to put into my own house if was ever to get one but it doesn't look likely at the moment, there are a lot of antique things of Carl's so I am thinking I might have to get them values and sell some off. I think it is only right as it was the whole Carl dying and New York that started my money troubles in the first place and if I want to get out of it there can be no time for sentiment.

Comments

2005-11-16T08:39:00.000Z

A few people have been telling me that they are unable to post comments on the Blog, the window pops up, they write but the comment does not appear. I am going to write to the Administer and see what the problem is so hopefully all will be fixed soon.

Bad Day Averted

2005-11-15T21:41:00.000Z

Well today turned out ok, I ended up getting so busy and under pressure in work that I had no time to think about anything else, I suppose it is a good thing but things are getting very stressful in work. I find myself wishing I could get the flu just so I can get a break from work, I am surrounded by people that are dying of cold but I just can't seem to catch a break:-)
I received news today that the article may be in the Sunday Business Post this weekend, it is not definite yet be when I know for sure I will put up a post, I got to read it today and it is truly a wonderful piece and I hope it will do some good out there.

That Cotton Wool Feeling

2005-11-15T11:25:00.000Z

Well it is that time again, my head is at me and it is time to ride out those bad feelings again, I don't feel overwhelmed to harm but it is always an option. The last few weeks have been hard, I have made tough decision that although may not be for the best I felt compelled to do so and now I have to live with the consequences. A lot of the time I feel very in control of things, I get up in the morning and go through the same routine that millions of people go through everyday, most of the time the day plods along nicely and then it is time to go to bed and repeat the same all over again but someday's it is different. Someday's I feel different, someday's I feel like a different person, destructive and frustrated and instead of venting my frustrations in a more positive and productive way I turn it in and take it out on myself. When I have these days all self worth goes out the window, my mind is on one track and that is to punish myself.
I feel I am a bad person during this phase, self destructive, I feel nothing and no one can keep me of this track. I feel empowers and almost not human, I feel I am better than everybody else, well not better but different, I feel disassociated from reality almost as if I am immortal and nothing can harm me but myself so I do. When I was a child I always thought that I could not die, I always thought that if something was to happen to me to cause me mortal injuries that I could fight against it and survive. Sometimes I still feel the same way as if I am invincible and the only person that can truly hurt me is myself and I do everyday, I strive to get on and along the way I lose a bit of what makes me, me.
I spend way to much time in my own head, I retreat from reality as often as possible as it is the one thing apart from myself that can truly hurt me and because of this I will always be alone.

The Week's Ahead

2005-11-14T08:45:00.000Z

Well alas it is Monday again and I am feeling a lot more positive about the weeks ahead, I think if I could get through last week in one piece I can handle anything. Trying to stay in this frame of mind is hard at time but I am going to give it a go, I had a very quiet relaxed weekend to recharge the batteries so now I am ready to do it all again. I had my first sale on eBay this week end, it didn't go according to plan as it only sold for 99c but at least I learnt something from it and I will know better next time.

What I Am is What I Am?

2005-11-12T23:18:00.000Z

I have made the decision to stop listening to what others want or think I should be, in the last year the person I was seems to have disappeared without a trace and even though that person was not all sweetness and light I kind of liked him, I much preferred him to the person I am now, this needy pathetic wimp. As I write this I am of sound mind, no alcohol has passed my lips since my last episode and I am now determined more than ever to get him back.
The old me was a survivor, I had tough times but I always came out on top, I depended on nobody but myself and it got me through just fine. I want that back, I want to be self sufficient and lead my life the way I want to lead it. I want the nasty comment to be water of a ducks back and not daggers in my heart, I want to love and be loved again equally, to have a good life with someone who is willing to offer me as much as I am willing to give, someone who accept me with all my flaws. Nobody's perfect and I certainly have never claimed to be, we all have issues and I think in the last year I started to believe that all that was happening around me was my fault because of my problems but not anymore.
It is time to move on to the next stage of my evolution, he will be a cross between the old me and the new me with all the bad bits taken out, I want my self esteem back, believe it or not there was a time when I was very confident, a time where that showed through, a time where the world was my oyster but in the fog of the last few years I let all that slip away. I am a good person, I go out of my way for friends to make them happy and I never ask for anything in return, maybe I am trying to buy some peoples love but making others happy makes me happy. Some people take advantage but that is OK, I only have room in my life for true friends, the ones who stick around when the going gets tough, the users are easy to drop.
Welcome to the next stage of my personal development.

Best Day of the Week

2005-11-11T08:38:00.000Z

Well Friday is upon us again and I will be glad to see the back of this week, hopefully next week will get back to normality, well normality for me anyway. All in all apart from getting a little stressed out on Wednesday I have been good this week, maybe I am just so tired I have not had a chance to think about anything else. I had planned to go to the Doctor tomorrow to get that referral letter but I am broke until next week so I will have to put it off till then, the clinic only do 9 to 5 appointment so it may not be practical for me to start this side of Christmas.
Well it is now only 30 more working days till it is all over but who's counting?

Shocked to the Core of my Being

2005-11-10T22:34:00.000Z

I got such a shock today, my boss came into me at 4.45pm and told me to leave early to avoid the rush hour traffic, in my 4 1/2 years in the company that has never happened. Could it be that he appreciates all my hard work and the fact that I am the only employee there at the moment that he would give me this 15 minute gift. I have to say I was so happy, it was only 15 minutes but it did mean a lot to me as pathetic as that sounds.

More Than My Jobs Worth

2005-11-10T08:41:00.000Z

Its amazing the day I post the blog to say I am going to slow it down a bit in work is the day all hell breaks loose and I get myself so stressed that I was on the verge of just walking out. It was one of those days where everything that could go wrong went wrong, first of we are extremely busy and I am already doing two peoples work so you can imagine when two of the other staff are out what kind of mess it creates. Yesterday I had to, take in 3 pallets of stock, answer the phones, deal with customers in the showroom, invoice, get orders together to go out with the courier, get a pallet together for another customer and just all the other general running that is usually shared between five people. Today is going to be the same, I will be the only one here for the next two days and I am dreading it, I am not the type of person who can kick back and let the work pile, I like to attack it as it comes in and leave a clean state at the end of the day.
At least there are now only 31 more working days till the madness ends.

The Stress Clinic

2005-11-09T08:37:00.000Z

I e-mailed a stress clinic near to me last week and yesterday I got a reply, they e-mailed me all the services they had to offer and recommended the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for me but I have to go and see my Doctor and have a talk with him and then get a referral and due to the old finances I am going to have to leave it till the end of the month, I am hoping I will get the flu before then and at least I can get some value for my money.
I am feeling a lot stronger and empowered this week, I think just making the decision to take control has really helped, I need to eliminate all the stresses in my life if I am to move on but it is easier said than done. I have been taking it easier in work this week not that I am not busy but I am doing one job at a time instead of three, its ironic I make these decisions and two other staff end up being out so I have even more to contend with, are the Gods trying to break me totally, nice try but I am still here.
This weekend I am planning to try and get my affairs in order and work out how I can make some money, I am going to go through all my stuff I have in the garage and see what is sellable, the plan is to be debt free by the end of 2006. I have also decided not to have a drink until Christmas, my resistance is always lower when I drink and I hate not being in control, after a reach a certain point I get down and have harming fantasies so I think the is a sensible solution for now.

Mistaken Identity

2005-11-08T22:20:00.000Z

I have noticed over the last year I have in some ways lost my identity, I have been trying so hard to become someone else that I have lost the original me along the way, I have been trying to become what I think others want me to be and that is not me. It seemed to have all started at the start of the year, around when I started to get "Help", writing the blog and being very open about harming, I feel a lot of people now see the harming before they see me.
In some ways I feel empowered by it and am glad I started but in others I would like to go back, I feel a lot of what defined me before has been lost and I am not talking about the harming but more of the good person I was. I have given up a lot of control in the last while and sometimes I think I did to much to quick, I think I was on such a quest to "get better" that I started convince myself that I was and the lines got blurred.
At the end of the day I am the only one who can control my destiny, if people don't like me for who I am that is there problem not mine, I am going to get myself together and become who I want to be in my own time and in my own way.

Understanding People

2005-11-08T08:33:00.000Z

I don't think I will ever understand why people do what they do? I have made a vow to myself this week that I am going to start and seriously get it together, I have decided to attempt a more positive attitude and start making positive changes in my life but then I get comments back from people that hurt. Some people even though they claim to be my friends seem hellbent on putting me down, I don't know if this is purposely done or whether they just don't think but sometimes one little smart comment can be very hurtful.
Everybody has stress in there lives, I do not claim to hold the monopoly on it but these attacks are detrimental to my success, I want to be there for my friends as much as they are there for me but when cruel little remarks are made what am I to think? Should I ignore them and move on or should I confront the attacker and find out what the hell is going on?
I find it very confusing but I won't let it affect me to much.

New Blog

2005-11-07T21:50:00.000Z

I have decided that because I have past the 5000 mark that I would revamp the Blog, there is not a lot of choice in the templates but I think this was the best of the bunch. I have not much to report, the day went by pretty uneventful, just the usual hustle and bustle of work but I did get some important things done for myself.
I called a Stress Clinic close by, I called twice but unfortunately I hung up before they answered, I had sent them a detailed mail last week telling them my problems and asked if they could help but I have not received a reply so I decided to call but when I heard the voice I panicked and hung up maybe tomorrow I will give it another go.
For years as a child I collect comics, I have thousand so I decided I am going to sell them on eBay and try and clear all my debts, my first try was unsuccessful but I am just going to keep putting them on and eventually I should get a bite or two.
Apart from that nothing major to report, things are good.

5000

2005-11-06T22:12:00.000Z

My Blog has reached the 5000 visitor mark, I can't believe it.
Thank you everybody for the support.

Living in the Past

2005-11-06T21:36:00.000Z

I was told tonight I was living in the past and not looking to the future, perhaps that is true but it is not easy to just erase 33 years of bad memories and move on, we are defined as adult on how we where treated as children, the smallest event to happen in childhood can effect the person you are going to grow up to be. As I child I harmed to cope with childhood trauma and this I have carried on into adulthood, it is a coping mechanism but not a very good one.
I spent a lot of childhood living in my own private world, I lived in my own head and relied totally on myself for emotional support, it was a case of the blind leading the blind but it work for me and got me through some hard times. As I became an adult these coping mechanisms adapted to fit around my adult life, I found it next to impossible to let people in, my coping mech would not allow me to get hurt so I would keep people at a distance and generally would never let them in, friends became disposable and that is the way I felt it had to be. I would get myself involve with people who had similar problems as myself, we would bounce of each other until we would self destruct and then the friendship would be over.
I had a few relationships but they would never last, as soon as I felt the other person get close I would push them away, I knew it was wrong but the training I had given myself as a child was deep rooted and it was hard to over come it. When I first met Carl it was great but after a while the programming kicked in and I pushed him away but he was persistent, he kept coming back for more and after a while I gave in.
As much as I loved Carl I never let him in all the way, I knew he felt bad about this but he would never push it, I know he worried about me and that was not fair. I wish I could have a second chance and tell him all about it and let him help me but that opportunity is gone now.
I have another person in my life that I love dearly, I have told him more about myself than I have ever told anybody but still the coping mechanism kicks in sometimes and I can't let go 100%. I know this hurts him but I worry sometimes I am going to become a burden and drive the few people in my life that I truly love away. I know there are people close to me that only have my best interests at heart but sometimes it is hard to totally let go, to lose all control that I have kept for so long but I am trying and each day I feel I am getting a little closer if people just stick with me and don't give up.
I want to move on from all this, I want to change my life and become a better person, I do not hate who I am but I hate what I have become, destructive and self involved. I am going to get there one day and at this stage I am not naive enough to think that it is going to happen over night but it will happen gradually and I have nothing better to do at the moment.
Sorry to all the people who support me for last weekend, I had a bad combination of events and lost it for a while but I am back on track now.

7 Weeks To Go

2005-11-04T08:25:00.000Z

It is only 7 weeks to go till Christmas, even though I hate this holiday I am looking forward to it as it means the silly season will be over and I will not have to do the work of 3 people for a while. It is terrible to spend all your time watching the clock, wishing for the day to be over but for the next 35 working days that is exactly what I will be doing.
My mood seems to have stabilize since the weekend, I don't feel as desperate as I was back then, it is interesting reading back on the blog and seeing the differences in myself now and then. I suppose I feel like I am two people in a constant struggle to survive, sometimes the bad prevails but only for a little while.

Time of Year

2005-11-02T08:34:00.000Z

This time of year is particularly bad time for me, all aspects of my life seem to be affected by it as the holidays approach, not only am I extra busy at work but it was this time 5 years ago the Carl was in hospital dying. I think I am over Carl's actually death, well when I say I am over it I mean I have gotten use to him not being there but it is all the other things that happened after that totally shattered my world. I never got to mourn him, as soon as he died I was in America for months getting everything sorted and when that was all done I was home and had to get a job straight away. I became a master at suppressing my emotions and after a while I just forgot how to express them and then the harm cycle began again.
I have now decided that I am only going to talk about things on the blog, vent out there and spare everybody else my constant whining. I know people are sick and tired of me and I am sick and tired of being a burden to them so I am going to put on a happy face and just get on with things, if I have to harm I will harm until I get things under control. I think this is the most sane solution I can think of until I can find an alternative.

Anniversary

2005-11-01T20:35:00.000Z

This weekend was the 5th year anniversary since Carl came home from America to die, he arrived home on the Bank Holiday Monday, I remember this as it was the day of the marathon which always falls on the bank holiday. It was probable the last time I spent alone with him before he had his first stroke, it's has been floating around in my head over the last few days and even though it seems like a lifetime ago sometimes it is quite fresh in my head.
I realize that my behavior is pushing people away and quite frankly I don't blame them, unfortunately as much as I want to change sometimes things just happen and I lose control but I understand.