Stress City

I have been truly tested over the last few weeks in work due to really bad stress, don't get me wrong I am enjoying my job at the moment but I have been extremely busy and a lot of burden has been put on my shoulders by other people. I am an extremely hard worker, I never stop going and I like that but the harder you work the more people keep heaping stuff on you. Yesterday I felt so stressed out on could feel the overwhelming feelings building up inside, I felt trapped and I could not get out, there was so much to do and it seemed that I was the only one doing it all. Instead of turning to the old reliable methods I decided to have a quite word with my boss, I didn't mention names but just told him I felt that a lot was being heaped on me and not everybody was pulling there weight. It is not even a question of money as I really can't continue with the volume of work for much longer, people forget that I am actually only one person and that I do have limits.

Harm and Harming

Methods of harming vary from person to person and no two experiences are the same, sometimes in the past I have harmed deliberately as a way to punish myself, other times I would go into the out of control state of trance where I would harm and not really remember doing it. Then there are the times where I would just feel like testing myself, I would take the razor and see how many cuts I could make while I was in a totally conscience state just to see how far I could go, a part of me was always obsessed with how far I could take things, how much pain I could take or how long I could go without food etc. I guess I was living on the edge and I just wanted to push myself that little bit further without falling of. After so long you get into a frame of mind that will start to spiral, always going that little bit further till you realize that you are not immortal and sometimes it takes rock bottom before you can start climbing to the top again.
Over the last year I have learned a valuable lesson, self-harm is not who we are it is just something we do, it is a coping mechanism and although people do not view it as that, I can firmly say I would not be alive today if not for harming. When you firmly believe what you are doing is wrong, that no one else on this planet will ever understand and you live in constant fear of people finding out, harming becomes a powerful friend and enemy. Just knowing that when things get bad or out of control that you have the means to take it all away can be a very important tool in coping.
After so many years of harming I viewed the harming as being the problem but it isn't, the reason you harm in the first place, "the trigger" is the problem. You don't wake up one day and decide, "I think I will cut my arm with a razor" something triggers that impulse, be it repressed memories, stress or depression, inflicting pain on yourself takes it all away for a while and allows you to get on with your life for a short time.
I don't harm anymore and have been harm-free for several months now, the reason being that I have decided to take the hard route and work out why I did what I did? Try and make sense of things and stop punishing myself for things that where out of my control and it is working. Things in my life are less cluttered in my head, I can function better and I am looking forward instead of back, I guess you just have to let go of the past as you can never change it. For me talking about all the unresolved issues and getting them out in the open was and is the way to go and I would strongly urge anybody going through this conflict to seek help. Everybody deserves a good life and even though there are things that may have hurt you in the past they don't have to hurt you in the future, "Oh God I better stop I am beginning to sound like Oprah"
I would like to sincerely thank everybody that has supported me on the blog over the last year, I wish continuous strength to all my fellow harmers that are going through their own shit at the moment and just to state it again "SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE"
Thanxs John

One Year On

It is one year ago since a began this blog and a lot has happened in that year, some bad and some good but all in all the outcome has been positive. Since I began this journey I began on a downhill slide until about 6 months ago when I hit rock bottom and began the journey to the surface. I think at this stage I have finally reached a point in my life where I am actually quite happy with the person I am, the mood swings are getting few and far between and the desire to harm gradually fades everyday.
Despite offers of help I decided to continue on this journey alone, well not totally alone and through talking about things I have discovered a lot about what makes me tick and the reasons behind why I do what I do. A haze has been lifted and I can see things a lot clearer now, I understand things better and I look forward more instead on dwelling to much on the past.
I would encourage anybody in a similar situation to try and get help, It is quite amazing how different life is without the burdens on your shoulders.

Been a While

I have not been blogging in the last couple of weeks, I suppose I haven't really had much to say plus with everything going on at the moment I haven't really had a chance but I have decided to check in today.
On Saturday gone I had my first battle with self-harm for such a long time, I just gradually started going down and getting depressed. I am not sure why I felt this way, I have been very upbeat in the last few months but I suppose everybody is entitled to a downer every now and again. Its funny that when it comes on you it is so different from any other feeling and it is very difficult to work through it so I decided to just get out of the environment I was in, I took Holly in the car up the mountains and went for a long walk in Pine forest, there was nobody around and I really enjoyed the peace and solitude. By the time I arrived home I was feeling back to normal and a friend called and I ended going out for a drink so all in all things worked out good in the end.
The last few weeks with things going wrong with Holly and a lot of car trouble due to the NCT(National Car Test) it has depleted my resources, my holiday fund is gone and I have to count the pennies till the next pay day but on the plus side I have been making regular deposits into my credit union account and I am planning to make a little withdrawal close to my sisters wedding in August. Holly is doing great now and all her little problems seem to have cleared up and I just hope now that is the end of it.