Frustration
I am feeling a lot of frustration at the moment due to the fact that everytime I feel I am getting somewhere I end up getting knocked back. I am doing the best I can and I realise what I am doing is not easy, I realise that there will always be bad things that will happen to me just the same as bad things happen to everybody but the bad things always seem to come as a barrage.
I sometimes feel their is a negative force working against me, that new things are created in my life to test me and wear me down and at the moment I am feeling very worn out. I am really fatigued from work and have not had a break in a long time and to add to it my home life is very stressful and I have no social life. I always believed that there are four aspects to your life, work life, social life, Love life and home life, all four either are really bad or just don't exist at the moment.
I never get any time to myself, everybody always seems to want my time to do something for them or to generally catch up and sometimes I feel like just ignoring the phone and eventually cutting everybody out of my life. The problem is that I am not assertive enough to say no, if I ever do say no I am made to feel like I am the worst person in the word.
On Wednesday night I went to bed at 9pm and cried my heart out, a really painful and heart felt cry and all for no a apparent reason, it just started and once it did I was unable to control it that is until there was a knock on the door asking if I was ok and I had to stop. I really felt I needed it and it would have been a great relief to continue and get it all out but no such luck. That may have been the night I started to really let things go and move on but the gods where once again conspiring against me.
Though through this all I still have not harmed yet, I feel that is not a major achievement but it is a step in the right direction.
posted by John @ 12:54 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
two words: Constructive Living
I'll let Google and your local public library do the rest.
I stumbled onto your blog. I am so happy to see someone talking about this. I was a cutter for three years and have been clean of it for three years, but I still fight it. It's so taboo, making the suffers so isolated with their demons.
Keep up the good work. A good cry is what we all need from time to time and it is a positive and good thing. It releases all that tension, frustration and bitterness one builds up over the years. My best wishes to you for whatever happens during the rest of your life. Remember there are always parts of your past that were great and loving times - such as being a little devilish photographer. Cherish this and other memories as if they may happen again in some future time. Try and see the "bottle" half full instead of half empty. XXX
Hi John
I hear what you are saying about the 4 important areas in a life. But it is very rare and then only for a brief period in time, that all 4 are healthy and balanced at the same time in anyone's life. Sometimes you just have to concerntrate on the area that you can bring in changes for the better at any particular time, then small changes often happen for the best in the other areas as your confidence and better sense of self strengthens through the positive changes happening in this one area. It's a shame that your friends/family call on you to help them fufill their needs, but can not see that you have needs too. Emotional blackmail is a common tool for getting your own way, providing that you are unaware of the harm or pain you are inflicting on those you use it on. Try telling these people what they are doing next time. If they are shocked and upset, then they may not do it again, but if they don;t care, are they really friends worth having around? Look after yourself, as you are the most important person in your life! x
i get frustrated really easly and feel like im gonna hurt someone. i came out of primary school and into yr 7 and ever since i gt bullied in yr 7 iv been cutting. so i have been a cutter for 2 yrs now. i cant contorl my anger anymore. im happy that im not alone in this persion. i just need someone to talk to.
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