Still Here

Just a note to say hello, having a bad time at the moment and bringing myself to blog is difficult.
I have to say I am overwhelmed by all the comments of support, I guess the novelty of the Self harmer has worn of.

Low

I am feeling low tonight, I can't seem to motivate myself to get myself together to go out, I am tempted to just head into town and have a few drinks but if I go out alone and drink I know what will happen. I am just lonely I suppose.
I have not heard if the article is going into the paper tomorrow but if I find out I will put up a post.

Closing In

I had a terrible nightmare last night, it was short but it has really affected me today and I would love to find out what it means. I was in my house walking to the front door, as I got to it I heard the key going in and it opened, it was Carl, I feel to the floor and he told me it was ok, I curled up into a ball against the wall and he said that some people where here to see me. He opened the door and there where thousands of people outside, a lot of them I knew, a lot where close friends and they where all asking me questions. I felt something snap in my mind and I started screaming "I wish you would all leave me alone I can't take it anymore" with that I started to claw at my arm tearing lumps of flesh of but there was no blood. I curled in to the fetus position and felt it all just slip away, I felt in the dream I had totally snapped and felt as if everything was gone.
I think because I am coming down with something and have a bit of a fever that it may have spurred this dream, I felt as if it went on for hours but I had only been asleep 30 minutes.
My auction on eBay has not yielded any results yet but there is still 5 days left on it, I am just hoping I will get something out of it. I still haven't heard if the article will be in the paper this weekend for definite but as soon as I do I will let you know and I will post it for people who can't get it.

eBay

I have been feeling quite down in the last few days, I think it is combination of what has transpired in the last few weeks, the fact that I am not feeling well and the simple fact that I think I am suffering from exhaustion from work. I think it is just a case of pushing through and trying not to crack as there is only about a month of this craziness to go until it is over. I am also stressed about Christmas as I am quite low on cash and I only have one more pay day till then, I am relying on getting a decent bonus this year so I can afford it.
Last night I spent about 3 hours getting things together for eBay and I ended up putting up about 40 items for auction, the auction will last for about 7 days and hopefully it will yield something, I am going to do the same tonight and hopefully I can start paying of my debts with it. I am determined to be debt free by the end of next year.
I have a lot of things that I brought back from America, things I hoped to put into my own house if was ever to get one but it doesn't look likely at the moment, there are a lot of antique things of Carl's so I am thinking I might have to get them values and sell some off. I think it is only right as it was the whole Carl dying and New York that started my money troubles in the first place and if I want to get out of it there can be no time for sentiment.

Comments

A few people have been telling me that they are unable to post comments on the Blog, the window pops up, they write but the comment does not appear. I am going to write to the Administer and see what the problem is so hopefully all will be fixed soon.

Bad Day Averted

Well today turned out ok, I ended up getting so busy and under pressure in work that I had no time to think about anything else, I suppose it is a good thing but things are getting very stressful in work. I find myself wishing I could get the flu just so I can get a break from work, I am surrounded by people that are dying of cold but I just can't seem to catch a break:-)
I received news today that the article may be in the Sunday Business Post this weekend, it is not definite yet be when I know for sure I will put up a post, I got to read it today and it is truly a wonderful piece and I hope it will do some good out there.

That Cotton Wool Feeling

Well it is that time again, my head is at me and it is time to ride out those bad feelings again, I don't feel overwhelmed to harm but it is always an option. The last few weeks have been hard, I have made tough decision that although may not be for the best I felt compelled to do so and now I have to live with the consequences. A lot of the time I feel very in control of things, I get up in the morning and go through the same routine that millions of people go through everyday, most of the time the day plods along nicely and then it is time to go to bed and repeat the same all over again but someday's it is different. Someday's I feel different, someday's I feel like a different person, destructive and frustrated and instead of venting my frustrations in a more positive and productive way I turn it in and take it out on myself. When I have these days all self worth goes out the window, my mind is on one track and that is to punish myself.
I feel I am a bad person during this phase, self destructive, I feel nothing and no one can keep me of this track. I feel empowers and almost not human, I feel I am better than everybody else, well not better but different, I feel disassociated from reality almost as if I am immortal and nothing can harm me but myself so I do. When I was a child I always thought that I could not die, I always thought that if something was to happen to me to cause me mortal injuries that I could fight against it and survive. Sometimes I still feel the same way as if I am invincible and the only person that can truly hurt me is myself and I do everyday, I strive to get on and along the way I lose a bit of what makes me, me.
I spend way to much time in my own head, I retreat from reality as often as possible as it is the one thing apart from myself that can truly hurt me and because of this I will always be alone.

The Week's Ahead

Well alas it is Monday again and I am feeling a lot more positive about the weeks ahead, I think if I could get through last week in one piece I can handle anything. Trying to stay in this frame of mind is hard at time but I am going to give it a go, I had a very quiet relaxed weekend to recharge the batteries so now I am ready to do it all again. I had my first sale on eBay this week end, it didn't go according to plan as it only sold for 99c but at least I learnt something from it and I will know better next time.

What I Am is What I Am?

I have made the decision to stop listening to what others want or think I should be, in the last year the person I was seems to have disappeared without a trace and even though that person was not all sweetness and light I kind of liked him, I much preferred him to the person I am now, this needy pathetic wimp. As I write this I am of sound mind, no alcohol has passed my lips since my last episode and I am now determined more than ever to get him back.
The old me was a survivor, I had tough times but I always came out on top, I depended on nobody but myself and it got me through just fine. I want that back, I want to be self sufficient and lead my life the way I want to lead it. I want the nasty comment to be water of a ducks back and not daggers in my heart, I want to love and be loved again equally, to have a good life with someone who is willing to offer me as much as I am willing to give, someone who accept me with all my flaws. Nobody's perfect and I certainly have never claimed to be, we all have issues and I think in the last year I started to believe that all that was happening around me was my fault because of my problems but not anymore.
It is time to move on to the next stage of my evolution, he will be a cross between the old me and the new me with all the bad bits taken out, I want my self esteem back, believe it or not there was a time when I was very confident, a time where that showed through, a time where the world was my oyster but in the fog of the last few years I let all that slip away. I am a good person, I go out of my way for friends to make them happy and I never ask for anything in return, maybe I am trying to buy some peoples love but making others happy makes me happy. Some people take advantage but that is OK, I only have room in my life for true friends, the ones who stick around when the going gets tough, the users are easy to drop.
Welcome to the next stage of my personal development.

Best Day of the Week

Well Friday is upon us again and I will be glad to see the back of this week, hopefully next week will get back to normality, well normality for me anyway. All in all apart from getting a little stressed out on Wednesday I have been good this week, maybe I am just so tired I have not had a chance to think about anything else. I had planned to go to the Doctor tomorrow to get that referral letter but I am broke until next week so I will have to put it off till then, the clinic only do 9 to 5 appointment so it may not be practical for me to start this side of Christmas.
Well it is now only 30 more working days till it is all over but who's counting?

Shocked to the Core of my Being

I got such a shock today, my boss came into me at 4.45pm and told me to leave early to avoid the rush hour traffic, in my 4 1/2 years in the company that has never happened. Could it be that he appreciates all my hard work and the fact that I am the only employee there at the moment that he would give me this 15 minute gift. I have to say I was so happy, it was only 15 minutes but it did mean a lot to me as pathetic as that sounds.

More Than My Jobs Worth

Its amazing the day I post the blog to say I am going to slow it down a bit in work is the day all hell breaks loose and I get myself so stressed that I was on the verge of just walking out. It was one of those days where everything that could go wrong went wrong, first of we are extremely busy and I am already doing two peoples work so you can imagine when two of the other staff are out what kind of mess it creates. Yesterday I had to, take in 3 pallets of stock, answer the phones, deal with customers in the showroom, invoice, get orders together to go out with the courier, get a pallet together for another customer and just all the other general running that is usually shared between five people. Today is going to be the same, I will be the only one here for the next two days and I am dreading it, I am not the type of person who can kick back and let the work pile, I like to attack it as it comes in and leave a clean state at the end of the day.
At least there are now only 31 more working days till the madness ends.

The Stress Clinic

I e-mailed a stress clinic near to me last week and yesterday I got a reply, they e-mailed me all the services they had to offer and recommended the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for me but I have to go and see my Doctor and have a talk with him and then get a referral and due to the old finances I am going to have to leave it till the end of the month, I am hoping I will get the flu before then and at least I can get some value for my money.
I am feeling a lot stronger and empowered this week, I think just making the decision to take control has really helped, I need to eliminate all the stresses in my life if I am to move on but it is easier said than done. I have been taking it easier in work this week not that I am not busy but I am doing one job at a time instead of three, its ironic I make these decisions and two other staff end up being out so I have even more to contend with, are the Gods trying to break me totally, nice try but I am still here.
This weekend I am planning to try and get my affairs in order and work out how I can make some money, I am going to go through all my stuff I have in the garage and see what is sellable, the plan is to be debt free by the end of 2006. I have also decided not to have a drink until Christmas, my resistance is always lower when I drink and I hate not being in control, after a reach a certain point I get down and have harming fantasies so I think the is a sensible solution for now.

Mistaken Identity

I have noticed over the last year I have in some ways lost my identity, I have been trying so hard to become someone else that I have lost the original me along the way, I have been trying to become what I think others want me to be and that is not me. It seemed to have all started at the start of the year, around when I started to get "Help", writing the blog and being very open about harming, I feel a lot of people now see the harming before they see me.
In some ways I feel empowered by it and am glad I started but in others I would like to go back, I feel a lot of what defined me before has been lost and I am not talking about the harming but more of the good person I was. I have given up a lot of control in the last while and sometimes I think I did to much to quick, I think I was on such a quest to "get better" that I started convince myself that I was and the lines got blurred.
At the end of the day I am the only one who can control my destiny, if people don't like me for who I am that is there problem not mine, I am going to get myself together and become who I want to be in my own time and in my own way.

Understanding People

I don't think I will ever understand why people do what they do? I have made a vow to myself this week that I am going to start and seriously get it together, I have decided to attempt a more positive attitude and start making positive changes in my life but then I get comments back from people that hurt. Some people even though they claim to be my friends seem hellbent on putting me down, I don't know if this is purposely done or whether they just don't think but sometimes one little smart comment can be very hurtful.
Everybody has stress in there lives, I do not claim to hold the monopoly on it but these attacks are detrimental to my success, I want to be there for my friends as much as they are there for me but when cruel little remarks are made what am I to think? Should I ignore them and move on or should I confront the attacker and find out what the hell is going on?
I find it very confusing but I won't let it affect me to much.

New Blog

I have decided that because I have past the 5000 mark that I would revamp the Blog, there is not a lot of choice in the templates but I think this was the best of the bunch. I have not much to report, the day went by pretty uneventful, just the usual hustle and bustle of work but I did get some important things done for myself.
I called a Stress Clinic close by, I called twice but unfortunately I hung up before they answered, I had sent them a detailed mail last week telling them my problems and asked if they could help but I have not received a reply so I decided to call but when I heard the voice I panicked and hung up maybe tomorrow I will give it another go.
For years as a child I collect comics, I have thousand so I decided I am going to sell them on eBay and try and clear all my debts, my first try was unsuccessful but I am just going to keep putting them on and eventually I should get a bite or two.
Apart from that nothing major to report, things are good.

5000

My Blog has reached the 5000 visitor mark, I can't believe it.
Thank you everybody for the support.

Living in the Past

I was told tonight I was living in the past and not looking to the future, perhaps that is true but it is not easy to just erase 33 years of bad memories and move on, we are defined as adult on how we where treated as children, the smallest event to happen in childhood can effect the person you are going to grow up to be. As I child I harmed to cope with childhood trauma and this I have carried on into adulthood, it is a coping mechanism but not a very good one.
I spent a lot of childhood living in my own private world, I lived in my own head and relied totally on myself for emotional support, it was a case of the blind leading the blind but it work for me and got me through some hard times. As I became an adult these coping mechanisms adapted to fit around my adult life, I found it next to impossible to let people in, my coping mech would not allow me to get hurt so I would keep people at a distance and generally would never let them in, friends became disposable and that is the way I felt it had to be. I would get myself involve with people who had similar problems as myself, we would bounce of each other until we would self destruct and then the friendship would be over.
I had a few relationships but they would never last, as soon as I felt the other person get close I would push them away, I knew it was wrong but the training I had given myself as a child was deep rooted and it was hard to over come it. When I first met Carl it was great but after a while the programming kicked in and I pushed him away but he was persistent, he kept coming back for more and after a while I gave in.
As much as I loved Carl I never let him in all the way, I knew he felt bad about this but he would never push it, I know he worried about me and that was not fair. I wish I could have a second chance and tell him all about it and let him help me but that opportunity is gone now.
I have another person in my life that I love dearly, I have told him more about myself than I have ever told anybody but still the coping mechanism kicks in sometimes and I can't let go 100%. I know this hurts him but I worry sometimes I am going to become a burden and drive the few people in my life that I truly love away. I know there are people close to me that only have my best interests at heart but sometimes it is hard to totally let go, to lose all control that I have kept for so long but I am trying and each day I feel I am getting a little closer if people just stick with me and don't give up.
I want to move on from all this, I want to change my life and become a better person, I do not hate who I am but I hate what I have become, destructive and self involved. I am going to get there one day and at this stage I am not naive enough to think that it is going to happen over night but it will happen gradually and I have nothing better to do at the moment.
Sorry to all the people who support me for last weekend, I had a bad combination of events and lost it for a while but I am back on track now.

7 Weeks To Go

It is only 7 weeks to go till Christmas, even though I hate this holiday I am looking forward to it as it means the silly season will be over and I will not have to do the work of 3 people for a while. It is terrible to spend all your time watching the clock, wishing for the day to be over but for the next 35 working days that is exactly what I will be doing.
My mood seems to have stabilize since the weekend, I don't feel as desperate as I was back then, it is interesting reading back on the blog and seeing the differences in myself now and then. I suppose I feel like I am two people in a constant struggle to survive, sometimes the bad prevails but only for a little while.

Time of Year

This time of year is particularly bad time for me, all aspects of my life seem to be affected by it as the holidays approach, not only am I extra busy at work but it was this time 5 years ago the Carl was in hospital dying. I think I am over Carl's actually death, well when I say I am over it I mean I have gotten use to him not being there but it is all the other things that happened after that totally shattered my world. I never got to mourn him, as soon as he died I was in America for months getting everything sorted and when that was all done I was home and had to get a job straight away. I became a master at suppressing my emotions and after a while I just forgot how to express them and then the harm cycle began again.
I have now decided that I am only going to talk about things on the blog, vent out there and spare everybody else my constant whining. I know people are sick and tired of me and I am sick and tired of being a burden to them so I am going to put on a happy face and just get on with things, if I have to harm I will harm until I get things under control. I think this is the most sane solution I can think of until I can find an alternative.

Anniversary

This weekend was the 5th year anniversary since Carl came home from America to die, he arrived home on the Bank Holiday Monday, I remember this as it was the day of the marathon which always falls on the bank holiday. It was probable the last time I spent alone with him before he had his first stroke, it's has been floating around in my head over the last few days and even though it seems like a lifetime ago sometimes it is quite fresh in my head.
I realize that my behavior is pushing people away and quite frankly I don't blame them, unfortunately as much as I want to change sometimes things just happen and I lose control but I understand.

Nightmares

I had several nightmares last night, maybe it was because it was Halloween. I dreamt that I was being tortures, I had nails put into my skin and each nail was attached to rope, one man was asking me questions about religion and everytime he did not get an answer everybody pulled on the strings. I could see the nails tearing at the flesh but he would no believe my answers and the strange thing is the man asking the questions I found myself very attracted to. I wonder what Freud would make of that.