Nothing Day

I did nothing today, I just did not have the motivation to do anything, my head is quite muzzy and I am still reeling after the events of Friday night. I really scared myself and it was the first time in my life that I realize how serious this problem is becoming. I seem to be on a path of self destruction in the last few weeks and I don't know how to get of, I seem to be on edge all the time and loud noises and voices seem to be grating on my nerves. My mood is erratic and I feel I can go from happy to absolute despair in a split second.
Before I began any of this so called journey I was better, sure I was harming but at least I was in control to a certain degree, now I am totally out of control and a danger to myself. All I seem to do is worry and hurt the people closest to me and I feel guilty because that is not fair on them. I feel worthless and I absolutely despise my life and basic existence, I really would love to go and I can't help hoping that I will come down with something and die, I know it seems harsh but I think it would be the best solution for everybody.

Damage Control

I spent today doing some damage control, I went to the chemist to see about getting myself fixed up after the other night, I did some serious damage to my arm after I was doing so well and the previous scars where actually starting to fade. I am going to have to go back to wearing a bandage again for the next few months to hide the cuts, no more t-shirts either for a while.
I got stuff in the chemist called Bio Oil, it is suppose to reduce scaring so I will also give that a go. I am actually feeling better today, not 100% but I think I gave myself such a fright on Friday that I have to start making serious changes in my life, in all areas. I am a very unhappy person but don't have any idea how to make myself happy, I am considering going on the depression medication that the doctor discussed with me a while back, give it a try and see will it help in anyway.

Rock Bottom

Last night I almost reached the point of no return, rock bottom if you will, I got desperate and everything seemed to come crashing down around me. I went out and got very drunk and decided to walk home from town, a walk that took me about 2 hours, I was so low and I went into a shop and bought a pack of razors, I had to actually break the razors to get the blade out and systematically cut myself for the duration of the journey.
I walked up the street leaving a trail of blood behind me, I am not religious but I prayed that a police car would pass by and stop as I was afraid of what I might do but there is never a cop when you need one. I walked to Kimmage before I stopped and sat down, I broke the last blade and decided that that was it, I must have sat for about 10 minutes with the blade at my wrists, I wanted so bad to end it all but I couldn't. I was tired, cold and weak from the loss of blood and still had about another 30 minutes to go before I got home.
I took every short cut and even ran half the way but I made it home alive, I went straight to bed and feel asleep straight away due to the alcohol. Today I felt a way I have never felt before, I felt as if I was on the verge of a total breakdown, I felt as if all the emotions and mind had been striped and I just could not rationalize anything in my head, it was a scary feeling. I had to meet some friends tonight and I did not think I would be up for it but I did.
I have amazing friends and support but I am just not in a place where I can reach out, it is something I have to learn to do and soon. I know people love me and if I was to go through with killing myself they would be devastated and left feeling guilty, I couldn't do that to them but I am not sure I can take much more of this.

I HARMED

I harmed tonight and it was long over due and well deserved.

Guilty Conscience

I have been wracked with guilt since we had our dog put down, the image of the vet putting the needle in her and in the space of a few seconds she was gone, this image will haunt me. As I watched the needle going in a part of me wanted to scream STOP but I let it happen and now I have to learn to live with that, I can't help thinking I could have done more for her. I know it is probable selfish on my part, keeping her alive would make me feel better but it would have only caused her more pain but to not wake up this morning and find her downstairs is breaking my heart.
When you have a dog that was loved by all as much as we loved her it is truly like losing a member of the family, the difference is that when they are gone they are gone, no funeral, no mass cards and people think they are so easily replaced. I loved that dog, whatever happened in my life she was a constant, always offering affection and she was such a big bear of a dog, I loved just to hug her when I was feeling crap. It's funny I don't remember crying as much over anything as I have about her, I just hope where ever she is now that she is being well taken care of.

A Man's Best Friend

Last night our Dog, Jessie collapsed and was unable to get up, her hip and hind legs had given up on her due to arthritis. I could not physically carry her home myself so I had to get an old blanket and with the aid of a neighbour we carried her home. She managed after a while to get herself up but the struggle for her was so hard to watch, so we decided to bring her to the vet and see what he would say.
My sister called up and we took Jess to the vet, he checked her out but told us out straight that she was not likely to get better so we made the hard choice to have her put to sleep. We stayed with her through the injection and within seconds she was gone, I held her head in my hands and closed her eyes. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life.
My pal and my only piece of sanity is gone.

Funeral

I have been planning my Funeral, no I am not planning on popping my clogs just yet but as a single person I feel it is important to decide what I want if the inevitable should happen. There is no way I want any kind of religious ceremony, I don't want the church, priests or prayers involved, I want a civil ceremony just my closest friends and family. I don't want mourning, I will have chosen the music and if people want to say a few words they can, I want to be in my everyday clothes, I don't wear suits and do not want to go to the other side in one, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered anywhere, I just want to blow away in the wind.

Getting Through

Well I am half way through another week and once again I am just counting the days until the weekend, the long weekend. The week has been plodding along just fine so far, overall I am feeling a lot better than I was this time last week. I started this week with the goal of getting myself physically fit, I have changed my diet, well more like just started to eat more of the right stuff and have started a less strenuous program in the gym. I am really busy in work as per usual but seem to be coping better with the pressure, I prefer to be busy as it keeps me from thinking to much, its all the thinking and analyzing about the past that makes me go down so sometimes it is nice not to have the chance.
I don't have much planned for the weekend maybe go out Saturday night but the thought of Alcohol does not really appeal to me at the moment, I seem to be going through long spaces of time without it and the longer I go the less I want it. I suppose my mood is erratic enough without taking something that will alter it even more but I have been told I am boring when I don't drink, yah just can't win.

Addiction

I was lying in bed feeling the usual way last night, cotton wool head and all that goes with it thinking that if I just make one cut this could all go away. It is like going through cold turkey, like that on shot or drink, the pain will go away for a little while but it always comes back. I have been very good though, I can remember how long it has been since I harmed last, months now.
I am still trying to survive the constant struggle that seems to be constantly raging on inside, somedays are good but the bad ones are really bad and I feel I just have to ride them out. I fear that I will crack oneday but I don't think today is that day.

Bad Health

Over the last while I have been concentrating so much on my mental health that I have forgotten about my physical health, I have been totally over doing it and I think to a certain degree I have replaced the harming with dieting and exercise. When I say dieting I don't mean a healthy diet I mean just not eating enough of the right food for the amount of working out that I am doing. I have lost a lot of weight and it is now starting to really effect me, I have been feeling unwell for the last few weeks and on Friday I had to leave work as I had a really bad headache, dizzy spell and vomiting but after a weekend of rest I am feeling better. I think my blood pressure has become to low and that is causing the fatigue, I have decided to try and change all that starting tomorrow. I am going to start eating the right foods and enough of them and try to get a proper routine going on in the gym. I have also set myself the goal of competing in the Dublin City Marathon next year, it will take me almost that long to get myself in physical condition but it would be a great achievement and something to focus on in the year to come. I can't seem to get my head or heart together but at least I can focus on the body.

Self Harm Radio

I was driving home from town last night late and I had the radio on, the where having a call in about self harm on the Adrian Kennedy phone show on FM104. A few self harmers called in of various ages to discuss there experiences and because the host could not understand the idea of harming he belittled everyone of them, then there was a barrage of caller who just attacked the harmers. I suppose that is ignorance at it worst, one girl was a former harmer and was talking about how she was researching the phenomena of self harm and mentioned the fact that there are no resources in Ireland apart from Samaritan's and they have only just begun offering help for harmers. It made me so angry, granted there are people out there that do harm just for the attention but there are thousands of people like me out there that harm as a way of coping and the last thing we need is to be ridiculed by uneducated moron's. I had left my phone at home so I could not call in, maybe it was faith as I would have probable lost the plot and made a complete idiot of my self.
One story struck me, a woman in here 50's who harmed by cutting her face, when asked why her face she replied that she could have been a model but because she had such a low opinion of herself harming her face seemed the way to go, I can relate to that, whenever I get my body to a point that I am content with I harm so I can't ever show it of, I am still not sure why I do it but maybe oneday I will work it all out.
Thank Crunchie its Friday!!!

The Week

All in all it has been a tough week, there is a lot going on in my head but the worst seems to be over for the moment and I can look forward to the weekend. The struggle is wearing me down and I think it is all starting to effect my health, for the last few weeks I feel as if I have the flu comings on, I get all the starting symptoms and then it just goes away, I think my body is fighting it hard but I wish it would just take hold so I can just get over it. I have taken a break from the gym this week to give my body a rest but I am getting more of a workout in work as we are so busy. I kind of hope I do get the flu so I can get some time away from here.
I am going to see if I can maybe get away for a weekend before Christmas, just take of in the car and go to somewhere in the country I haven't been, just to get some R & R. I really need a break, hopefully I might get away to the sun after Christmas but as we are moving premises I don't know if it will be possible. I think I am close to breaking.

Lonely

I have been feeling quite lonely in the last few weeks and it is really starting to get me down, I don't really have anybody to talk to about things that are going on in my head, well that is not entirely true, I just don't talk about it anymore. A lot of people think that because I went through a course of therapy that I am instantly cured but the reality is that the therapy just helped me to unearth a lot of painful memories and now I have to deal with them and it is getting harder. Last night I felt the old familiar feeling washing over me, the panic, the cotton wool head and I contemplated harming just so it would go away, the regret that I would have had the next day stopped me but I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
I feel that if I talk to much about it to friends that they will get fed up with me and I don't want to become a burden to people so I just say nothing. Its great to be able to vent these things out on the blog but it is not the same as having a one to one with someone and hearing the words, there are so many things I need to get straight in my head before they drive me crazy, I suppose I don't really blame people, if I had to listen to me I would probable get fed up to.
I have been fantasizing about running away, something I use to do when I was a child, just disappearing of the map but unfortunately I can't get away from my own head where all the problems lie. I am still not feeling well and I still have to get and see the Doctor but it is one of those things I keep putting off, I keep thinking it would be so much easier if I was just gone.

Not the Best

I haven't been feeling well in the last while, I think a lot of things have been getting on top of me and it is affecting me physically. I constantly feel as if I have flu coming on, the aches, the headaches and the constant tiredness no matter how much I sleep, I am also suffering a lot of dizzy spells and my heart rate keeps on increasing and decreasing all the time. I think the combination of working so hard, working out, weight loss and general stress is starting to take its toll, I am hoping to get to the doctor this week and have a good check up.
On other subjects on Saturday I went to a friends gym and found out about a course they are running starting this month, it is a fitness course that runs for 4 months but will take up every weekend. It is quite expensive and realistically I will not be able to do it this time around, hopefully they will do another next year and I will have the time and the money to do it then.

Change

I haven't been blogging as much in the last few weeks as I have normally, probable due to the fact that I am to busy and exhausted from work. I use to get a bit of time during the day to write something but not at the moment and after work and the gym I just want to veg out. We where informed during the week that we will be moving to a bigger premises, it is not really an inconvenience for me to get there but I know he is planning on expanding the business and that will mean more work for me more than likely.
In a meeting this week he told the other staff that they would have to help me out more and not just expect me to do it all but as of yet that has not happened, I am finding myself in a bit of a dilemma, should I have a word with the boss about it and become the company rat or just say nothing and continue on as normal until I collapse into a pile on the floor.
I have been researching colleges this week and I found a home correspondence course on Fitness, Health and Nutrition I like the look of so I have decided to start it in January and get the ball rolling on my new career, I am also going to a friends gym tomorrow as they are starting fitness courses there and I just want to see what it is all about and what qualifications I will need in the future.
Anywho it is Friday, I am just home from a nice evening and I am going to forget about work for the weekend and concentrate on resting up and having some fun, I may blog and I may not but I am always around.

The Hump of the Week.

Well Wednesday is over and that means 2 days left till the weekend and a two day vacation. I don't really have plans this weekend as I am broke, payday is late this month so I will have to live on bread and water until then LOL. I received a prospective from a College yesterday in regards to my career change, I am going to start a Health, Fitness and Nutrition course hopefully in January and then take it from there. I am going to grab one of the personnel trainers in the gym today and see if I can get some information from him but I am pretty dead set this is the direction I want to go.
A funny thing happened in the gym yesterday, I was on the Cross Trainer working my ass of and all of a sudden the display dimmed and then faded out, next there was a bang and smoke started to pour out of it. I jumped of and got one of the trainers to have a look, they said it was a fuse but I believe I pushed the machine beyond it limits. LOL

Anonymous Comment

I received a comment today to the first post I put on the blog which I can totally relate to and I think a lot of others will to. I would like to thank the person who posted it and tell them that it will get better with the right help and support, it will be a long road but there is a light at the end of the tunnel despite my earlier post.
I am going to post the comment as it encapsulates self harm so effectively but if the anonymous person wants me to remove it just give me the word and it will be removed.

Anonymous said...
"John, I am currently battling a war with self-harm. It all began about a year and a half ago. I had heard about people who cut themselves as a form of release, and one day I tried it for myself. I had never felt anything like it. It was auxillerating, and magical. It turned my life around, and I felt completely different. Everything I hated was suddenly insignificant because I had a way to deal with it all. Before long I became a slave to self-harm.. All day I fantasized about it, and it continuously weighed in my mind. When I wasn't doing it, I was thinking about it. Soon enough, people found out and intervined. I was placed in a psychiatric ward for two weeks to over come my addiction to self-harm. I was released and was doing farily well. Once again, I gave into temptation. I was self-indulgent and completely mortified. I am currently still dealing with all of it, and cannot stop on my own. I don't think I can ever stop. But there is always hope. For the record, the amount that I love self injury, is equal to the amount I hate it. We're friends, but we are worst enemies. It is a complete paradox. I hope that someday I will be able to overcome all this and help others who are in the same position I was once in. Anyway, I simply decided to post this so that you know I can relate to you and many others out there. Take care."

Personality Test

I did a personality test today, interesting results, try it.

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 43% Stability 16% Orderliness 63% Accommodation 63% Interdependence 36% Intellectual 10% Mystical 90% Artistic 90% Religious 10% Hedonism 63% Materialism 90% Narcissism 10% Adventurousness 76% Work ethic 50% Self absorbed 23% Conflict seeking 63% Need to dominate 10% Romantic 63% Avoidant 83% Anti-authority 63% Wealth 10% Dependency 63% Change averse 63% Cautiousness 43% Individuality 90% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 90% Physical security 56% Physical Fitness 24% Histrionic 63% Paranoia 90% Vanity 90% Hypersensitivity 63% Female cliche 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

That's Life

I am feeling a bit down today, I suppose with all that has been going on at the moment I have forgotten about certain things and today they hit me like a ton of bricks. I forget sometimes that I am only a part of the way on my road to recovery and I can not take it for granted that everything will be rosy all the time, there will be bad days and I may even faultier along the way but that's just the way it has to be at the moment. I try to stay as positive as I can but sometimes the demons raise there head and it becomes a battle to overcome them but believe me I am trying. I feel I spend way to much time in my own head trying to make sense of senseless things, I keep flying into a state of panic when I think about my life, what is, was and will be in the future. I think sometimes that I am not sure how long I will be able to keep this up before I give in and eventually crack and fall into a million pieces, I feel the tape that is holding it all together is starting to run out and I need a new way to patch things up.
Everyday seems to blur into the next, the same mundane routine over and over again. I sometimes wonder will I reach a point where I can look in the mirror and just be happy with who I see staring back at me. I feel that even though I am not harming at present I am setting myself impossible goals and pushing myself towards goals that I may never be able to achieve. I have faith in myself in a lot of regards but I am still trying to find myself and where exactly I fit in in the grand scheme of things. Very confusing!!

New Career

I have been thinking recently of a change of career and it is something I am planning to start as soon as possible. The whole Graphic Design thing does not seem to be working out for me for the simple fact that there are no jobs out there so if I ever want to buy a house I need a new plan. I am not 100% on what I want to do but I know the direction I want to go, I am interested in Health and fitness and am thinking of going down the road of nutrition or becoming a personnel trainer but I will need to do more research on it all. I am also interested in personnel development but I am not sure what I would be any good at but I know that working in my present job will end up crippling me all together if I keep going.

Back to Reality......

Well it is Monday morning and it is back to work after a fantastic few days away, I wish I could say I am fully recharged but 75% of my blood stream is still Cosmopolitan and I would have to say it was well worth it. I made two new friends at the weekend and I have never been so relaxed in the company of people as I was this weekend, I managed to forget about everything and become the person that I want to be in the future.
It was so nice just to let go and have fun, I think the four of us really clicked and I would like to thank them for that. I only had one negative effect, I went to the bathroom on Saturday night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, because I was having a good time the little demons raised its head and I feel the need for a brief while to punish myself. It always happens to me when I am enjoying myself, there is always a part of me the wants to ruin it but I did not let him win and the night passed off without incident.
All in all things are good and hopefully the rest of the week will continue as good.

Early Weekend

I am finished today for the rest of the week, I am going away tomorrow for a long weekend to Wexford and I am so looking forward to it. This week has been a bitch in work, it has been non stop from morning till 5pm and you know what the extra money mean damn all difference. I am doing the work of two people and I am being taken total advantage of and not in the good way but I am not sure what to do about it. I am doing a lot of heavy lifting and not really getting much help from anybody else, I worry about my back as I have already had two discs removed and I don't want to end up a cripple in later life but what can I say. I could go the route of health and safety but I don't want to stoop to that kind of level but I know I can't go through another 2 months of this and it is only going to get worse.
On a lighter note, I did my interview today but I am not sure now when it will be in the paper or where abouts it will be in the paper, I can't really say much about it at the moment but I will let you know when it will be in the paper.
Overall apart from the exhaustion I am doing OK, I have been stressed but getting through it, I cut my arm yesterday by accident but couldn't stop looking at it. I bet people will think that Harmed but I didn't, pure accident. It made me think about it, a part of me liked the way it looked, it is strange but it was like looking at an old friend. The thought though came and went and I got on with the day, its all I can do at the moment but I am doing it.
I hope to have a new therapist soon, fingers crossed, there is lots I have that I want to get of my chest in an effort to move on.

Panic

Every so often I fall into a state of panic about my life, I feel at 33 I should have achieved a lot more than I have and when I think about the future I get panic strickened. It only lasts a few days and then I go back to normal. I worry that I will never be able to adapt to a normal life, have a good relationship and finally find the happiness I want, I look at materialistic things as being part of the key to happiness but I know they are not. I have more cloths than I will ever wear, I get myself into debt buying the things I think will make me happy and my car, something I thought some how would bring me major fulfillment but No.
I am eternally searching for something that I just can't find, I guess I am looking for some peace of mind, to wake up in the morning and to be happy with myself and the life I have at the moment. I am looking for the key to unlock the mysteries of my mind, I would like to go through it with a fine tooth comb and straighten out the kink's and hopefully in time I will.

Purpose

Recently I have been feeling as if I have some purpose or destiny to fulfill but I am still not sure what it is, I have a burning inside me that I have a mission of sorts but it is frustrating me not being able to work out what it is yet. I feel the need to help and feel that my current pursuits in life are not as important as what I am destined to do in the future, I feel I need to take all the negative in my life and turn it into a positive, sometimes I feel older and more wise than my years, I have gone through things in my life that most people will never go through and others have or will in the future.
People can learn from me how to survive it all and come through the other end reasonable sane, now I know that I have only began on my journey to sort out my life but already I feel the better of it and want to keep going. It makes me feel better when I help others, maybe that is selfish but it works for me and its may also work for others, I want to grow and find the purpose for my existence, I am here for a reason and the fact that I am still here means I still have work to do and a mission to complete.

4000

I can't believe that I have had over 4000 visitors to the site since I have started, I know it is not 4000 different people but I aint complaining. Thanks to all for the support.

Decisions

I have decided this week to make a few changes in my life, it is time to move on with the next stage of my therapy if I am ever going to get my life back on track. This weekend I decided to have a few beer, I had not had a drink in about 3 weeks and was really in the humour of a beer but as usual I had a total personality change and went hell for leather attacking a friend so I have decided that I am done with alcohol full stop. I don't like who I become on it and I don't really think I need it, I can lose control all on my own so the last thing I need is another catalyst.
I know I need to change a lot of things in my life but my first step has to be therapy, there is just to much going on in my head that needs to be dealt with and I can't do it on my own. I have a few connections and hopefully I can get somewhere this week, I considered harming again this weekend, I think I just felt as if I really let myself down on Friday night that I wanted to punish myself but once again I got through it.
When I finished therapy the first time I felt quite strong and confident about the future of my harming but now as the time has passed I have got a bit lacks and as a result all the old feelings have started to raise it ugly head. I am tired of the struggle and just want to get on with a normal life.
I saw the presentation this weekend that was show in York last week, it was amazing and at one stage they had quotes from my blog, it was like looking at the video for the first time, it just didn't feel like me. I find myself a bit disassociated from the whole thing, it feels strange doing it all and not realizing the impact. They now want to use the video in all the branches as a training tool, I have to give my OK to it but I think I know the way it is going to go.