Hard Decisions

Some times in life we have to make decisions we don't want to have to make, decisions that cause us pain but they are decisions that have to be made. Last night I made one and today I am paying for it with a broken heart but I think I did the right thing, it is something very close and personnel to me so I won't be going into any great detail about it but it is just another hurdle I have to get over.
This week it is D-day for my Dog, she has gotten very bad with arthritis and I don't think I can stand to see her in pain any longer. We brought her to the vet a few weeks ago and he put her on medication but it doesn't seem to be helping, we need now to make the decision on whether to put her to sleep, the thought of it breaks my heart, she is my only bit of sanity in this house and I will miss her so much.
All in all it has not been a good week but hopefully things will start to improve soon.

The Day After the Night Before

I am feeling a bit better about last night now but am still kicking myself for being so stupid, never again will I allow myself to get into that state. Beer definitely does something weird to me, after my second pint I could just feel my whole mood changing and I started to lose control, I was not drunk but it just has the strangest effect on me so I won't be doing that again.
I am sad to say that I also harmed for the first time in 2 months but not in the usually place, instead I cut my stomach, not badly but often. I think the reasons I did it was to punish myself for what I had done and the fact that for the first time in my life, I am on my way to having a wash board stomach, I decided to ruin it and make it ugly which I achieved. I am full of regret about it all today but I can't change what I have done so I will just move on from it and hope that I have learnt another valuable lesson.
Sorry if I let people down but I was not strong enough, it was no ones doing but my own.

Destruction

Last night I went on a path of destruction, I met Big for a drink for the first time in nearly a month, I decided I would be OK to drink beer as I had not had one in a while and after about 2 I could feel the mood changing. Now I take full responsibility for my actions, I chose to drink the beer so I have to suffer the consequences, I started attacking him about this and that and just found I could not stop myself, I know where he stand and I had accepted it but it was something I felt at the time I had to do.
I am a destructive person in general, I always end up hurting the ones I love so I don't think I deserve to be loved but I wish I was different. It is hard for me to rationalize things in my head sometimes, I will talk without thinking of the consequences and the next day I am filled with regret. I am mean, selfish, calculating, negative and self obsessed.
Hopefully over the next few months all that will change, I am sick and tired of the person I am and I am tired of hurting those around me.

John Strikes Again

Well yet again I have turned something truly good in my life into complete shit.
Well done me the therapy is really paying off, everybody ignore this sad piece of shit.

Walking in the Rain

This morning after a rough night sleep I awoke to the sound of the rain, I looked out and there it was pouring down. I like the rain, when I can stay in bed and look out at it but I had to get up and walk 40 mins in it. I had my trusty umbrella, of I went and managed not to get wet, everybody else in the company have cars and they are all late, as usual I am the first here.
I am trying to change my mindset, think differently as a way to cope and get by, it is raining today but it hasn't rained in a while and it is the rain that keeps Ireland so green, so let it rain as long as it remembers to stop.
I have not heard back from the job I went for last week, I am disappointed but that's the way it goes in the job market. I have sent my CV to 5 other places and hopefully I will get something out of it, at the end of the day it is all experience.

Peter Pan Complex

Michael Jackson has always been the self confessed Peter Pan of pop, he never had a childhood because of his career and the pressure from his father so when he became a man, he got away from his father and started living out his childhood fantasies. Unfortunately for him that involve hanging around with minors and even thought things may or may not have happened, according to the rest of the world these where inappropriate relations.
I found myself watching the verdict of the trial and even though in the back of my mind I thought he was guilty, I found myself hoping he would go free and maybe getting the help he is long over due.
Even when I look at pictures of myself when I was young and see myself as a stranger, a big part of me thinks of myself as still a child, I feel that the events that have brought me to this point in my life stole a big part of my childhood that I will never get back.
I have done and achieved quite a lot in my life, I have fought and am still fighting demons that I would not wish on my worst enemy, I have loved and lost but I have survived it all. Its time for the hurt to end, its time for me to reclaim my life, It is so time for me to start living again.

Coping

Well we are half way through the week and I am managing to keep it together and am looking forward to the long weekend. I realize that I have to learn to cope better with what is happening to me if I am going to get through it and after the last few weeks I want to get there as soon a possible. I know there are a lot of things going on that are totally out of my control but I also know that I am in control of my life and destiny, it is up to me to choose whether I want to continue this sad existence or fight for a better one, I have chosen the latter.
Maybe it is because today I am having an OK day, who knows what I will be like tomorrow but for the moment I am going to just live in the moment and just do the best I can. I put to much pressure on myself, I know it has only been 4 sessions of therapy for a problem that has gone on for 24 year but when you see a slight glimpse of that light you want to run for it and believe me it is not that easy.
When I get through this I want to be the kind of person that everybody wants to be with, I want my mad funny side to take over this miserable boring depressive I have become, I don't want people to cross the street to avoid me but cross over to meet me and I just want to love and be loved.

Tuesday Night

Well its another day over and as usually I am pining for the weekend, I would love to be going away somewhere, it is so long since I have been on a holiday or just got away to someplace different. I just feel so stressed out at the moment, I never dreamed this would be this hard, I learnt a lot at therapy yesterday and it is very difficult to process, the session went on for about 1 1/2 hours and I didn't feel the usual weight of my shoulder that I usually feel.
The truth hurts I suppose.

Still No News

Well it is reaching the end of the working day and still there is no news on the job, I suppose I will just have to accept that they went with somebody else. I was so sure about it, the interview went so well that when I left I really thought it was in the bag, I am really disappointed but life as it is goes on. Today in work I was stock taking, "Oh My God" it is the most mind numbing job in the world but I think it is all part of being a Graphic Designer, counting oilburners and candles. The guy I work with here has been offered a new job with much better money, he would be mad not to take it but if he leaves I will have to take over his job as well as my own and the thought of it is just stressing me out.
I keep getting waves of panic and anxiety today, I just can't seem to get it together. I am going to go to the gym after work and at least I will have 2 hours that I can forget about it all and concentrate on the task at hand.
Thanks everybody for all the comments and Anonymous, Is that all you got? I have to say I am a bit disappointed in you.

Session Four

It's 9 pm and I am just home from my fourth session at the therapist, it went well. He told me the way I have been feeling is normal because all the emotions in the subconscious are starting to surface and I have just not learnt how to process them and deal with them yet. The fact that I have not harmed is an achievement but I need to get to the point when I don't feel the want to do it all the time. Unfortunately the emotion thing is uncontrollable and he said I could just explode and all my emotions could flood out at any given time, I have been feeling it over the last few days but I don't think I am at the point of exploding yet.
We delved further into the past and more unpleasantness came to the surface, I still not sure I am strong enough to get through it but I will have to I guess in order to live any kind of normal life. He also did some things to help me sleep and hopefully get the dreams going again, I had the dream last night about losing my teeth again, Weird.

Still Here

I am still here in one piece.

Anonymous is Right

My anonymous friends is right about me, I am a pathetic waste of space not worthy of the life I have been given. I hurt and destroy everybody and everyone around me eventually, I don't deserve the people in my life, I am scum and I wish I never existed. Why do I bother going on with it all, it would be better if everybody stopped paying any attention to me and got on with there own life. The people that comment on the site will eventually get bored with me and move on because I will make them, I am such a waste of a life.
I always think there are 3 aspects of our life, our work life, personnel life and love life, for me I hate my job and everyday I die a little more inside, my personnel home life is hell and my love life is well, complex. I have had harming fantasies all week and am struggling to overcome them, I am a strong person but there is only so much strength I have left.
All the bastard in the past that have ruined my life have got away scott free while I, the innocent 7 year old have to go through a struggle for survival everyday, It's not fair and that is my last pathetic whine tonight.

My First Post

My Name is John I am 33 from Ireland and have been self harming/injuring since I was about 9 years old. I can't remember the first time exactly but I will always remember why and how I felt.
Sometime things get to much, whether it is emotional pressure or just pressure from everyday life I get numb, It's a numbness you can not describe but it is like all your emotions and feelings leave your body and you can't fell anything.
When you self harm/injure you feel the pain and it feels like your whole system regulates your emotions and brings you back to normal. I have to stress I am not promoting Self Harm/Injury, it is not a good thing, it is a quick fix for a bigger problem, I would not encourage anybody to do it. If you have someone to talk to please do so.
I would also like to hear from other self harmers, exchange stories, experience and maybe help each other along the way. I stress I am not a professional and I can not offer advice as I am a victim as well but if you want to vent please feel free to write it down and share your burden.
My aim in this blog is to share my experience and offering links to professionals if you feel it is getting to much for you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I look forward to hearing from you.
John

To Bandage or Not to Bandage

Well it is Sunday now and tomorrow is the start of another long week in the dungeon but at least I have therapy to look forward to. I was up early this morning and I went to the gym, today I decided to hell with it and decided not to wear the bandages, I reckon that people will stare regardless of whether I have it on or not so I decided to really give them something to stare at.
I realize that during the rest of my life people will look at the scars and judge me as a psycho before they ever get to know me, sad but at the end of the day it is all my own fault.

Colour Test Part 3

I did the colour test again based on how I am feeling tonight and I got some uncanny results back:

You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.
You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognize the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.
Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.
Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

Do the test yourself at http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/

Unexpected Good Day

I was suppose to go into town and meet my Sister and some friends for a few drinks in town this afternoon and no doubt it would have gone on into the night but instead I ended up spending the evening with my Godson. I met my friend E for a coffee and had planned to go into town from hers but I was having such a laugh with the little dude that I decided to stay a little longer, before I knew it was 9.30 and I knew the others would be well on and maybe thinking of heading home so I decided to stay a bit longer. E and I had a good chat and it always does me good talking to her plus the distraction of A is always good for a laugh.
I am really tired now but really relaxed, I hope I sleep tonight.

Saturday

I didn't sleep great last night, fell asleep straight away but woke up at about 5am and that was it. I got up at about 7 and watched some TV and then headed on down to the gym, it amazes me that even with the lack of sleep I still have energy to burn. Yesterday I got a call from the bank approving my car loan so at least one of my goal will be met at the scheduled time, I have not heard from that job yet but yah never know what next week might bring.

The Last Age of Innocence

This is me at 7 years old, the year I started to Harm first, just before my holy communion.
I look at this little boy like a stranger and wonder what the hell happened along the way.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

It is strange to me how by just relaxing and walking memories will just pop into my head, maybe it is the therapy but I remembered something today, I was about 16 and of course was harming away and I saw the movie "A Nightmare On Elm Street" you know the one with Freddie Kruger with the glove with the razor blades at the end of it and when you go to sleep he kills you in your dreams. I became a bit obsessed with that movie and began to harm more frequently after it, I would cut myself all over, making 4 clawlike cuts everytime, I would lie in bed and pretend that Freddie was going to get me and hopefully end it all.
We had a cousin over from Australia around that time, her and I got on quite well, she noticed the cuts and told my parents that this behaviour was unhealthy but they never really did anything about it, I stopped after the novelty wore off. My cousin was overweight and had been put on diet pill to help her lose weight, apparently they would expand in your stomach and suppress your appetite so I borrowed a few, well about a months supply and stopped eating for about a month. After the pills ran out and she was gone back home I started on the laxatives, taking ten in the morning and ten at night until I was about 23, I still have a fixation on my weight but it is a bit healthier these days.

Friday Feeling

At least it is Friday now and I will get a two day break from this dump, I don't know what is wrong with me this week but I just can't seem to get myself out of this slump. I am having hardly any sleep and when I do sleep I am having bizarre dreams that fade as soon as I wake up. I went to the gym after work yesterday to try and wear myself out a bit but no such look, at least when I am asleep I don't have to think but there is nothing worse than just lying there for most of the night churning everything around in your head.
I feel it was a mistake to start therapy knowing the my therapist would be taking a months break after my first 3 sessions, it is a bit like opening a can of worms and then walking away to see what happens, at least he is back now I will have my fourth session on Monday.

Thursday

I wish I felt a bit better today, it seems to be endless just to get through to the weekend. I feel I am at a stand still at the moment, nothing seems to be moving or happening but I suppose that is just me wanting it all now. I feel sad and down, I don't think there is anything that could lift me at the moment. Here's to trying.

Yet Another Sleepless Night

I was just lying in bed, thinking and not being able to sleep, my computer had been shut down and I had planned to go to bed Harm and then hopefully sleep but NO! I couldn't. I lay in bed and set up my ritual harming tools for the job but I could not go through with it, I looked at the scars and realize that no matter how much I try to stop I will always be a harmer in the eyes of people. The last few weeks in Ireland the weather has been really good, t-shirt weather but not for me, I had to wear long sleeves and if I wanted to wear a t-shirt I had to wear a bandage.
Unlike an alcoholic or drug addict, there are no scars, you can't tell that once they had a problem, it is easy enough to hide. Whenever I go out in public I will always get asked what happened your arm, I have to make up some stupid excuse but the scars are not the type you can blame on an accident, the have a pattern straight horizontal thin cuts that will never go away, hundreds of cut done over the years in the one place. I religiously have been putting on pure vitamin E oil onto them, it has reduced the redness but I know they will never go.
No matter what I do I will always have these reminders of my past, a past I am trying to deal with and move away from, I will always be conscience of them and will find it difficult to ever be intimate with somebody ever again.
I could take a sleeping pill tonight and get to sleep but I feel now that that might be creating a new problem, I don't want to become dependent on any drugs so I can function, I need to keep my head as clear as possible over the next while so I can remember and deal with everything that is coming up. It is frustrating why this happens to me? I was so positive yesterday and now I feel like this today, stop the rollercoaster I want to get off.

The Bite of the Blade

I would love to feel the hot burn of the blade tonight, I am feeling a bit trapped, frustrated and numb tonight. I suppose it is just another hurdle to get over.

Another Day in the Dungeon

Well it was back to work today after a long weekend and the interview, you have no idea how depressing this job is, there is nothing to do but at least the boss is out until lunch time so at least I only have to get through half a day. There is a lot of stock taking to do and I have no patients for it, it is not my job but if I am forced to do it I will be doing a lot of guessing.
I dreamt last night that I had gotten the job and my current boss had called us all in for a meeting, he attacked me because I had called in sick the day before but I just kept smiling at him, he gave me a verbal warning about my behaviour and told me it would not be tolerated. I had so much pleasure giving him my notice and now I am hoping that this might be one dream that may come through.
My therapist is also back of holiday so I will begin my sessions again on Monday, hopefully get the ball rolling again.

Funny Feeling

I have been having the strangest feeling in the last few days and I can't really explain it, it is a kind of feeling of euphoria, I can feel a change is happening me and things are going to fall into place, I feel I have a destiny to fulfill but I am not sure what it is but it has me excited and I am starting to see a silver lining, I know I still have a ways to go but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Interview Two

I had my other interview today and it was great, I was interviewed by two people and it was a very informal interview. We chatted for about an hour and they loved my portfolio, I answered every question and more and after I walked out I had a really good feeling. I don't want to get my hopes up to high but it is a brilliant company, the money and benefits are great and the place is fabulous, hopefully I will be called for a second interview but we will wait and see.

Anonymous

I would appreciate if everybody would just ignore our anonymous friend, obviously he/she has serious issues of their own and it obviously makes them feel good about themselves by trying to put others down, sorry it doesn't work.

The Wedding

I had a really good weekend at the wedding, I got the train down to Limerick and get there at about 5.30, my friend L met me at the train station and we went to her cousins house in Clare. It was a beautiful day and we sat in the yard had a few beers and caught up on everything as I hadn't seen her in a while. We then get ready and headed to the afters of the wedding, the hotel and party was great and of course we consumed way to much alcohol but I didn't drink anymore beer so I was ok. We got home at about 5am and sat up talking again until about 6 before going to bed. I slept in on Sunday till about 1.30pm but we had to get up and go to the after wedding party that evening, more drink but it was another good night.
L was going to Dublin today so I got a lift home with her, it was good to catch up. All in all my mood was good but now I am home I am feeling a bit anxious but I put that down to being tired and a little nervous about the interview tomorrow.

Success

I made it through last night, I took two sleeping tablets and that is all I wrote, I am feeling much better today and am getting ready to go away for the weekend but feel so groggy, hopefully I will get some sleep on the Train.

DOWN!!!

I am really down tonight and I have not been this close to Harming in a while, I don't think I have the strength to stop it, I suppose I had a good run and maybe it is time for my old friend to visit me just for a while. I have done all I can to stop it, watched a movie, read, wrote and even did some graphics but I just am at my wits end at the moment. I feel so numb, I want to scream but I can't, I feel so trapped. At least if I do it I will sleep and tomorrow will be another day, therapy starts again next week so I can stop again, sorry to disappoint everybody but you don't know what it is like to feel this way and I think if I don't harm I will lose it.

Taboo

Many people who self-injure keep it a secret because they feel like they are crazy, insane and evil. They fear if they tell anyone, they might be locked away forever. The truth is, people who intentionally harm themselves are in fact very normal and sane people, who are in a lot of emotional pain. They self-injure as a way to cope, because they were probably never taught how to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Unfortunately, when people hear about this form of self-harm, they do tend to place labels on these people as being psychotic and crazy, which is why so many people do not come forward and ask for help. Until society dispels all the myths surrounding self-injury and start to educate themselves on this subject, sufferers will continue to keep quiet and this form of abuse will continue to be a secret for a long time to come.
http://www.freewebs.com/selfharm_help/

Windows

The Eyes are the Windows to the Soul,
I have no soul, just an empty room,
You look inside my gazing emptiness,
The glassy look, the icy stare,
The constant cogs working away,
Planning thinking, taking it all in,
My Soul is in a bottle and the cork is to tight,
I need the strength to open it but I don't,
Black glass, cold stare, no love, no care.
Soft on the outside but death inside,
I play a good game but have nothing to hide.

A Walk in the Park

I was off today and decided I would get up early and go to the gym, I did my usually work out and after I was suppose to be meeting Big for lunch but plans got changed and I didn't. I went straight from the gym to town and spent about 2 hours sitting in the park thinking about things.
It make me sad that people can be so vindictive against me for no good reason, I find a lot of things hard to cope with but am doing my best. I know I am not the only one in the world that has problems but with your own problems they will consume you a bit more than other peoples.
Today made me feel a little down, not in a harming kind of way but just down, I had taken today off to try and enjoy myself but I think I would have been better of in work, well that might be pushing it.
On a more positive note I have another job interview on Tuesday, not the same as the other place, I have not even got a rejection letter from them yet, it just shows what kind of place it is so I am kind of glad I didn't get it. This job is graphics in a much bigger well known company that I have heard they are very good to work for, here's hoping.
I am going away tomorrow until Monday so I will not be blogging till then.
I hope you all have a great weekend and a big hello to my new blog buddy DeVonn, check out her blog in the links.

Not Much to Report

Well today is plodding along OK, no major drama for once, The boss is gone off somewhere and it is just the servants here to run the show so I am taking it easy. The girl I work with N has joined my gym and I am her trainer, we are going after work so it should be a laugh, I am going to break her.
I have not heard from the job I went for and at this stage I am taking it for granted I didn't get it, it's a shame but obviously it was not meant to be, I have applied for about 3 others and am just waiting to hear. I am going to a Wedding in Clare at the weekend, I have taken Friday and Monday off so I will have a nice long weekend, I will head down on the train on Saturday and just chill on Friday, maybe go to the gym.
I have to start looking for a car now and get my driving lessons together, I want to be on the road by the end of next month.

Gym

I have just finished my daily workout, the heat is incredible at the moment and I think I must have lost a few pounds by sweating alone. I love the gym, it is one of the time when my mind is clear and the only thing I think of is what I am doing at the time. Afterward I feel tired but also, relax and at peace with myself, nothing like a good workout.

Yet Another Sleepless Night

I did not get to sleep last night until about 3am, I suppose it was a lot to do with the heat but my mind was also buzzing as well. What do I want in life and will I ever get them? Who knows? I was talking today to a friend about being happy, we talked about other people we know that are really happy but also do we really know what goes on being closed doors. There are so many harmer's in the country but you can not pick them out of a line up, the people that harm you would never think would but that is the nature of the beast. You become an excellent liar and deceiver, able to come up with a million excuses on the turn of a dime for your injuries. I however am not a good liar, I blush and find it difficult to hid my guilt and then the guilt consumes me.
I have not harmed in over 4 weeks, that for me is a huge achievement as I have never wanted to harm so much in my life, I have instead being tending my scar’s, I have bought a bottle of pure Vitamin E oil and put it on twice a day, already I can see a slight improvement. The redness has faded a bit and maybe next week I might even think of going to the gym without the trusty bandage, though I will bring it with me just in case it is to hard.
The weather has been so good it would be nice to let the sun on my skin without the look of horror from the general public.

New Links

I forgot to mention I added a few new links yesterday.

The Long Road

I know the road to recovery is going to be long and bumpy, I have my eyes totally open to the fact,I know how hard it is as I am living it but I also know I can do it. I am going to have hard times, I am going to feel down and I am going to feel the need to harm but that is all part of the process. I have to look to the future but first I need to deal with the past and that is the tricky part, I have gone through a lot of stuff that the people close to me will never know about and I am trying to come to terms and deal with it.
I know there are people out there that are behind me, supporting me but a lot of it I will have to go through alone, I am afraid of what will happen and sometimes I worry if I will make but I have had these feelings before and I am still here to tell the tale. I am looking forward to the first time I look in the mirror and truly like what I see, I am looking forward to walking into a situation feeling 100% confident with what I am doing, I am looking forward to not having to listen to the annoying voices in my head, I am looking forward to loving and being loved and I am looking forward to when the tears start and the pain ends.
It may not happen today or tomorrow, it may not happen with this particular therapy but it will happen, it has to happen, through all the dark there has to be a light. I feel I deserve a little bit of happiness, I am not asking for the whole pie, just a good fatty chuck.

My Immortal - Evanescence

This song helped me come to terms with Carls death last year, I could totally relate to the lyrics:
[Chorus:]
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave'
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Razor Island

I live all alone on Razor Blade Isle,
24 years, I have lived here in Style,
I was 7 years old when I ran away here,
buried my hope, feelings and fears,

1

They whisper to me in the razor blade trees,
"Let yourself go, just this once, be free,
Let yourself join with the river of life,
Empty your veins and the island survives,
Just one little slit, it would be so nice"
1

The voices they lulled me once,
Lamenting sweetly in my head,
I was weaker then, a large part of me Dead,
I don’t want to live here on this Isle anymore,
I’m tired of the blood that dries on the floor,
Tired of the voices inside of my head,
Tired of the hurting, tired of being Dead.

1

I am building a boat, all on my own,
And learning how to sail myself home,
People have thought me how to think,
but I am just scared, what if it sinks?
And I am lost forever in the eternal nightshade,
Will my life preserver be another razor blade?
1

I can see the shore and it is so far away,
My Arms are tired but I can’t stop today,
The boat is shaky and barely together,
I’ll continue my journey if it takes me forever,
I will see how it goes and how far I can get,
I am halfway there but not safe yet.

On a Razors Edge

Is the Razor the Harmers friend,

I don't know, I don't know,

We will have to wait till the end......

Discombobulated

Discombobulated: to be thrown into a state of confusion.
I have been feeling discombobulated in the last few weeks, maybe my entire life. Everything seems to confuse me, my life, my mind, my emotions etc. etc. etc......
Why can’t I just get over all this crap and move on, why do I keep getting myself into this continuous loop, I feel like I am making progress and then the slightest thing will bring me back full circle. Harming is on the top of the list, I so badly want to put that out of my life and excorise that demon but still it haunts me, just one cut and it could all be over for another day, I guess I am just so use to doing it and I have not found anything else yet, more sane to replace it.
I feel very alone in myself and have pangs of panic coursing through my body at regular intervals, I feel the urge inside me to cry but it never comes and that is even more frustrating. I sabotage any chance I have at being happier and feel sometimes my life is cursed, sometimes it would be easier just to close my eyes, disappear and never had existed. I am a bad person and have done bad things, maybe this is life’s reward for me, maybe I should just embrace it, move on and be who I was really meant to be, whoever he is.

Sleepless in Seattle Part 2

After about 2 days the guy in Seattle realized that I was not happy with the situation, I was worried that if I did not give into his demands that he would put me out with nowhere to go. I tried to change my flight or to find other accommodation but to no avail as it was valentives and also some holiday over there. I confronted your man and told him that it would be highly unlikely that anything would happen, I gave him the I am not ready speech and he was quite nice about it but that was about to change.
He had planned oneday to take me to a lunch hosted my a sorority house he was designing, after he realized nothing was going to happen he decided to go to it on his own, he said it would be best if he dropped me in the city so I could have a look around. That sounded go to me and I said that it would be better if I went alone as there where places I would like to go that he wouldn't. Next of all he launched a string of abuse at me, "How there you assume that you know what I like or don't like, its is a dumb thing to say" I was in shock and really wanted to punch him out, the little psycho but I didn't. He dropped me into the city and I had to walk around for 6 hours before he came back and picked me up.
The next days where spent, getting up, going for lunch and then having to sit in all night watching TV, I would go to bed at about 9pm as I was faking jetlag and as soon as he would get in I would get out and sleep on the sofa or watch TV. I was living on about 2 hours sleep a night and was barely eating, I was just counting the days till this ordeal was over. I tried to change my flight again and managed to fly out a day earlier but had to wait in London for about 14 hours before I could get back to Dublin.
The only thing that kept me sane was the fact that he had these ugly two poodle's, one was blind and would keep walking into the wall, I know it was terrible but it was very funny. I have never met a more horrible little man in my life and the night I got of the plane in Dublin was one of the happiest in my life.

Strange Feeling

I forgot to mention that I am actually missing harming myself, I look at it as an entity that I am turning my back on, kind of like turning your back on a friend because everyone else doesn't like them. I am actually missing my friend and I feel a bit of guilt over that, don't know whether that is a normal reaction but there you go.

Over Indulges

I over indulged last night in Alcohol, I didn't drink beer so I didn't go off my head as usual but I felt rotten coming home. In the taxi I had it in the back of my mind that I was going to Harm, don't know why but I decided that last night I would break my dry spell and do it. I can honestly say I had absolutely no reason to do it, I had a good laugh with my sister and friends, I was in full control but I just decided tonight was the night.
I went into my house, got some water, got the tissue together to mop up the blood and got into bed, the next thing I remember it was 7am, I was awake and harm free. I don't know whether it was falling asleep that saved me or will power but I didn't harm and for that I am grateful.
Off to the movies now, busy day with the main man, yippee!!!

Sleepless in Seattle

In previous post I recounted tales from my misspent youth, I told you stories of my first bad sexual experiences, answering ads, going down the country and meeting less than attractive men to experiment on. You would think from those stories I would have learnt something but NO! The older I got the more further a field I traveled but the disappointment was always there to greet me.
Early last year I traveled to Seattle, Washington to meet a man I had been in contact with since before Christmas on the internet, we had a great internet romance and he convinced me to come over and see him, he told me he would foot the bill and I would want for nothing while I was there. I don't like beholding to anybody like that so I agreed to go halves on the ticket. He had sent me photo's and we spoke on the phone most days and I was nervous but also getting excited about the prospect of meeting what could be the new love of my life.
I had to fly to London and then it was a 10 Hour flight to Seattle where he would meet me at the Airport, my flight arrived early and I got through baggage claim and immergration really quickly. When I came out the other end there was nobody there, I got a bit panicked but I knew I had arrived early so I decided to call him, he answered the phone and was shocked how quickly I had gotten through. He was upstairs in a coffee shop and told me he was on his way down, he was talking as he came down the stairs and next of all he was behind me, I turned around and all I could see was Hans Moleman out of The Simpsons.
The pictures he had sent to me where him but from about 20 years ago, he hugged me and all I could smell of him was mothballs. I had to spend 10 days with this guy and he was expecting all kinds when we got back to his place. We got to his house and it was beautiful, we had to get a ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island and then it was a 15 min drive from there, he was an interior architect so you can image this house he designed himself. It had a huge sitting room overlooking a lake, two huge bathrooms, a nice modern kitchen but only one bedroom.
The alarm bells started to go off, he started to make his moves but I managed to fob him of by saying I needed a shower, I was jetlagged and hungry. I had a shower and we went for something to eat, I found him quite rude to the staff in the Diner and instantly I took a dislike to him but I was trapped there for 10 days. I went to bed with him that night but pretended I was asleep before he got there, as soon as he would fall asleep I would get up and watch TV but I would not be able to do this for 10 more days.
I will tell you more later.......

Feeling a Bit Down

I am not feeling the best today, not so much anxious more like bit depressed and like always I am not sure why. I have plans for a busy weekend, tonight I am going out for a few drinks with friends, I have not gone to a bar in about a month now but I don't think I will drink, after the last time I don't 100% trust myself. Tomorrow I am going to the movies with my friends E and my 3 year old Godson A, we are going to see Madagasca, well I think that is how you spell it.
I have not heard from that job yet but he did say it would be this week or early next week but as the time progresses I find myself less and less enthused about it.
My boss is of today and it is very quiet, we are expecting no palate's of stock in, so it is going to be a long day. I have been planning a few things in my head for the following year, even though I feel the Blog has been great for me in some ways I feel I can do more and am planning to do so. I also need to start making changes for myself in my life if I am ever going to move on, hard decisions have to made but I am not sure I am strong enough yet, we will see what the future holds.

Zero tolerance

40 innocent people lost there lives today maybe more to come for no particular reason, people like you and me, going about there business just wiped out. But then again hundreds of people get wiped out by suicide bombers everyday but we do not think about it or really take notice until it is closer to home, like everything in life sometimes ignorance is bliss.
What is gone wrong with the world???

The Enemy

This has been my partner for the last 24 years but the friendship has been getting strained in the last few weeks, I know we may have the odd one night stand over the years but I think the relationship is coming to an end.

Better Day

I had a much better day today, not that my days have been that bad but the day seems endless when I am in that job. Today I was busy not doing Graphics as usual but before I knew where I was the day was over, I also managed to get a e-mail off to my therapist about my recent dreams, I am not sure when he gets back from holiday but I think it is next week, I am just anxious to get on with things as I have been harm free for 4 weeks now I want this spell to keep on going.
I have made a few decisions in my head over the last few days, nothing I really want to talk about yet but I feel my life is going to start to really change over the next few months, I am not sure why but I just have a gut feeling. I am a bit worried I am relying on this job a bit much but I suppose I can live in hope.
I have been working really hard in the gym, I am eating loads but still losing weight. There was an old woman working out beside me on the cross trainer, I think she was a bit eccentric as she had full make up and jewellery on while working out. I had my earphones in and she kept talking to me, now the gym is my time, I zone out and think of nothing but what I am doing but she kept on talking. I took out my earphones and said to her "Sorry I am listening to music" but she kept on talking so I just let her ramble and carried on. Next of all she starts going "What happened to your arm?" I just ignored her but she kept it up, I eventually finished, got of the machine and took out my earphones, once again I got "what happened to your arm?" I didn't want to be rude so I said I cut it but that wasn't enough "How did you cut it?" she insisted, as I walked away I turned to her, smiled and replied "With a Razor". I know it was a bit bad but if you ask questions you might not like the answers.

Self Harm

SLITTING MY SKIN
EVERYDAY IS A BATTLE
LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
FEAR OF FAILURE
HARD TO COPE
ARM'S HAVE SCARS THE WILL NEVER GO AWAY
RAZORS ARE ALWAYS CLOSE AT HAND
MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY

Sweet Caress

The Glisten of the blade,
Burning in my skin,
The warmth of the blood,
Caressing my flesh,
The warm human nectar,
Taking away the pain,
The Sweet realize of blood,
I escape another day,
The memories of the past,

Today have gone away.

Today

Today was the same old thing, I went to work and as soon as I walked in the door I started to get anxious and as much as I am hoping I get this new job so I can get the hell out of there, a part of me doesn't want it, I am a bit afraid I will fail. I suppose the confidence levels are a bit low but I am sure if I get the good news I will be able to handle it, it will make such a difference in my life, the extra money will enable me to get my car and move out at last so they are all things to look forward to. It will also be nice to get up in the morning and go into a job that might offer me a bit of creative challenge so here is hoping but I have not been resting on my laurels, I have also been checking out other jobs. At least I haven't felt the need to harm to much today so that is also good.

Dreams

A big part of my Hypnotheraphy sessions are dream analysis, I have not had a lot of dreams since I started but the few I have had have been of significances to what has gone on in my life to date but last night I had a strange but it is quite a common dream.
I dreamt that my gums all started to rot and I started to pull out my teeth one by one, there was no pain but a lot of blood, I dropped each tooth into the sink and they dissolved as they hit the water. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was really gaunt, my cheek bones where sticking out and my skin was yellow. I woke up and checked my teeth as it seemed so real.
I looked up dreams on the internet and this was the interpretation and this is what I read,

To dream of teeth means:
Normally an unfavorable sign in a dream. It signifies displeasure and also shows that you are afraid of losing someone dear to you.

To dream of skin means:
This dream is related with sensitivity. Keep calm and think carefully before you make any major decisions.

To dream of your mouth means:
Nourishment. New attitudes. You will soon have news from interests you are anxious over.

To dream of your Face means:
Identity. Ego. Self-image. This dream denotes displeasure with yourself and warnings of someone working secretly against you.

To dream of your Blood means:
Essence. Life energy. Unfortunate love affairs.
Severe disappointment.

Interesting Reading and you can read more at http://www.petrix.com/dreams/body.html

Interview

Well I am over with the interview and I feel it went well, it lasted about 45 mins and he went through my CV with a fine tooth comb, I answered every question he asked me and asked a few good ones of my own, all in all I was happy enough with it. I should know by the end of the week or early next week but if I don't get it at least I have a bit more experience interview wise.
I spent this weekend in Bray with Mr. Big, we had a really good time just chatting and drinking to much but I really needed it after the week I had. I am back in work tomorrow but hopefully I won't be there for to much longer, there are 6 people being interview for the job so the odds are good.
I am really exhausted today, I had a case of nerves and didn't sleep great last night so I am planning an early night and hopefully make a full recovery by tomorrow.
On Saturday I was in a bar waiting for Big and was watching Live8, it upset me a lot and realized that even though my life seems bad at the moment, there are children dying out there that never even get a chance to live so I am going to try and be more positive from now on.
Well that is all for the moment, I will be getting back to my normal blogging over the next few days so bare with me.

Independence Day

Happy July 4th to all my American friends who read my site and hopefully today will be my independence day. I have my interview at 5.15pm and I am all prepare, portfolio ready, suit pressed and references and certs all in order, I am quite nervous but to be honest I have not though about it until today but whatever happens happens. I will let you know how I got on at the interview and the weekend later.