Harm, Harm, Harm

One thing thay say you should do when you feel the need to harm is to take a picture and harm that instead, I have just tried this and it kind of works.

Job Interview

I have been called for an interview to that job I applied for, it is on Monday evening. I am really nervous but know I can do it and what the hell I will just go for it and give it my all. I am prepared, my portfolio is ready and I just need to get references and my qualifications sorted.
Here's Hoping

So Close

I was so close to Harming last night and I don’t know why I stopped, I was all set up in bed for my ritual cutting session, the roll of toilet paper was there to mop up the blood and the razor was in my hand. My head was so numb I just wanted it to go away but I stopped myself. I was thinking of the fact that it has been 3 weeks since I did it last and if I was to harm it would just be another step backward and I am sick of going backwards. After a while of rationalizing it all in my head I put the razors away and lay down to go asleep, it took me until about 2am before I finally dozed of but I was awake again at 5.30.
I have mentioned before that I have been having scary dreams but I really don’t think at this stage they are dreams, some I think are repressed memories from the past. I am afraid if they are indeed real what will it mean and how will I deal with them.

The Daily Battle

I am still battling at the moment with a case of anxiety, work is really getting me down and I really can't handle being here. Well at least Wednesday is all but over and I only have two more days til the weekend like the rest of the Country, I have not got away on holiday this year and feel I need a break but if I want a car these are the sacrifices I have to make. I am going to the gym after work so at least I can vent a little there, I made up a good CD today of music so maybe I will be a new person when I come out.
I had a quite disturbing dream last night, well at least I think it was a dream but it felt real, I am not sure what to make of it so I will mail it of to my Therapist and maybe he can give me some answers when I see him next.

Please don't be fooled by me

"Please don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask.
I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness.
Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance.
If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me."-"Don't Be Fooled by Me," Charles C. Finn

Annoyed

I am feeling annoyed and frustrated with myself today, frustrated with my life to date and annoyed for wasting it so far. I am 33 and am still living at home, I had a better life once but that is gone now, I am frustrated with my lack of confidence, that I am afraid most of the time to just go for it. I feel I have wasted my life, there are so many things I could have achieved if I didn't have so much baggage, I am annoyed with this person I am and feel at the moment I am in limbo, I feel I can't go forward but now I can't turn back.
Things keep creeping into my head, memories from the passed, some I know are real and others I don't want to admit are, things that would shed a light on my past but it is difficult to sort them out in my head so around they go.
I want a better life, a better job, a place to live and somebody to love and love me back but I know that I will end up doing something stupid and ruin it all like I always do. The self-harm thoughts are floating around my head, it would be so easy to just do it and maybe then things would level off but that is just a short term solution.
I spend so much time wishing I had not done things that I have done in the past, wishing I didn't hurt the people who only tried to love me and get to know me but I did and I wish I could I could go back and change that. I feel guilty over all that but what can I do except build a time machine, maybe I just don't deserve to be happy.
In case you haven't guessed I am feeling really sorry for myself tonight.

1 in 10 Irish Teens Self-Harm

By Deborah Condon
One of the largest studies of adolescent mental health ever carried out in Ireland has revealed that almost one in 10 Irish teenagers deliberately harm themselves.
Furthermore at least one in four have experienced serious personal, emotional, behavioural or mental health problems.
The study, which involved almost 4,000 teenagers, aged 15 - 17, in the Southern Health Board (SHB) area, found that only a minority of those experiencing serious problems, including self-harm, receive professional help.
According to the National Suicide Foundation (NSF), the findings clearly indicate that there is a 'hidden population' of adolescents with serious mental health problems, who do not come to the attention of the healthcare services.
The study found that:
-Over two-thirds (67%) of teenagers have at least one drink in a typical week. Of these, the majority (71%) drink up to five drinks in a typical week.
-26% of teenagers have experienced serious personal, emotional, behavioural or mental health problems. Of these, just 17% received professional help.
-Just over 9% of teenagers had a history of deliberate self-harm, with girls three times more likely than boys to harm themselves. Just 11% of these had been in contact with the health service prior to self-harming and 15% afterwards.
"The findings underline the need to prioritise mental health issues in relation to young people and to ensure that they are adequately and appropriately addressed in the formation of national mental health policy, with input from both the Department of Health and the Department of Education", the NSF said.
The results also highlight the need to consult with and involve young people in the planning, development and implementation of mental health promotion programmes and treatment options and facilities for adolescents, the foundation added.
"It is a challenge for professionals working in the relevant healthcare, education and community sectors to reach the 'hidden population' of young people who experience mental health problems and who may be at risk of developing serious and long-standing psychiatric disorders."
The study, Young People's Mental Health: A report of the results from the Lifestyle and Coping Survey, was carried out by the NSF, in collaboration with the Department of Epidemiology and Public Health at University College Cork.
The results were presented at the National Symposium on Young People's Mental Health, in Jury's Hotel, Cork. The symposium was organised by the NSF, in conjunction with the National Suicide Review Group and the Southern Health Board.

Why People Self-Harm

Self-harm is probably the result of many different factors. Among them:

Lack of role models and invalidation - most people who self-injure were chronically invalidated in some way as children (many self-harmers report abuse, but almost all report chronic invalidation). They never learned appropriate ways of expressing emotion and may have learned that emotions are bad and to be avoided.

Biological predisposition - evidence is accumulating that indicates self-injurers have specific problems within the brain's serotonergic system that cause an increase in impulsivity and aggression. Impulsive aggression, combined with a belief that expressing it outwardly is a very bad thing, might lead to the aggression being turned inward.

Studies have suggested that when people who self-harm get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psycho-physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it, and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling.

Job Application

Well after a very boring day in work I got productive this evening, I got my Application letter and C.V. together for this job advert I saw and sent them of today so fingers crossed. I also went through my portfolio and was surprised about all the work I have done over the years, I have to whittle it down as not to overwhelm them in the interview, I checked out the companies website and really like what I have seen so far, it looks like a very interesting opportunity. Unfortunately I also know that sometime they advertise these jobs in the paper as a formality and already have someone in line but at least I have my C.V. and portfolio ready for the next opportunity that may arise.
I have been feeling a bit anxious today, I am about 90% sure why but that is another story, I have a feeling it is going to be a slow week but at least I have the weekend to look forward to. I got my driving License today, I was shocked I got it so fast and hopefully I will start my first lesson this week if I can afford it.

Another Monday

Well yet again it is the start of another week, the sun is out, the sky is blue and I am trapped in this dump. I have no work on at present and have to spend the day pretending I am doing things to keep the boss of my back, I also have to try and get my CV together and send it of to this job, oh the deception of it all. I am feeling a bit anxious today for no reason, I saw the Dentist and he told my tooth was fine and normal and put me on Anti Biotics to clear up any infection, he said it will take 6 to 8 weeks to heal so at least I know.
I have a feeling it is going to be a very long week but what can you do?

Good Weekend

This weekend has been overall a successful one, I really enjoyed all of it and I have been anxiety and harm free. Today I was up early at the gym, had a good workout and came home and did a major tidy up of the house, a well needed one and have just come back from the movies. Last night I spent with my friends and godson, we had a good chat, they would know a lot about me, I find myself zoning out a bit at times and getting a bit lost in thought. I have been thinking and recalling stuff since my last session, things from the past I had forgotten, things keep popping into my head. It is all like pieces of a puzzle that I just can't work out yet but I will have to give it time, things I have remembered I am not sure what to do with or how to deal with them but I am confident I will.
I have to go back yet again to the Dentist tomorrow, there is still a piece of tooth that I had removed still there and it is causing me a lot of pain, its funny my tolerance for physical pain is very high and it has not slowed me down but I could do without it. This will be my first full week in work in a while and the boss is back so I hope I will be kept busy with something interesting, I am beginning my new job search tomorrow and have already seen an ad in the paper so I will apply for that also.
So overall things are good at the moment, I am happy and I hope it continues.

Comments

Although I welcome all comments, from time to time there are the ignorant people out there that have very little to do in their lives but try to demean others. These people are only to be pitied as they will never truly understand the way the world really works, these people obviously have issues of there own that they have not addressed and it may help them feel better about themselves to do this but I suppose to each there own.
They will never give there names, they will hide behind anonymity because they are obviously afraid to reveal who they really are and that is a shame. I feel no contempt for these people but would ask them not to make stupid comments on a subject that they have no knowledge of and if they do have knowledge of it or experience, then get help.

Manic Saturday

Well it is just another manic Saturday, I never seem to get much time to get things done. I slept so well last night a had a few unusual dreams which is good, got up at about 8.30 and headed to the gym, I worked my ass of, well whats left of it anyway. I am still losing weight but feel great, I might visit the Doctor this week for a check up to make sure, I have lost a total of 24 pounds in the last 2 months but I blame a lot on the Anxiety, being sick and this damn tooth. I noticed today that there is a fragment of tooth still there which is causing me a lot of pain and stopping it from healing properly, I guess I will also be making a visit to the dentist again this week.
All in all I am feeling good, yesterday anxiety has passed and I am looking forward to going up and seeing my Godson today, with all that has been going on I have neglected to see him in a while and it makes me so happy to see his little smiling face when he sees me.
I feel confident that this will be another Harm free weekend.

Perfect Day

I took a half day from work yesterday as I was meeting Mr. Big for a drink in the evening, we met at 6.30 in a bar in town and had a good chat, I had packed an over night bag as in my head I had planned to take a sicky today, I told Big and he suggested we go back to his place, we had something to eat and a few more drinks. I am so at peace with myself when I am with him, he makes me laugh and I feel I can tell him anything, I think we are really good together, we enjoy the same things and have a really good laugh but it is a bit of a complicated relationship.
We will see what the future holds.
Driving home today I suddenly got an attack of anxiety, not sure why but I think this weeks session has brought stuff up to the surface, I am still trying to process it in my head. The Therapist suggested when I get these attacks to watch a funny movie or something I really enjoy, the humour will overpower the anxiety so that is what I am going to do and try and get through another weekend harm free.
I bought some pure Vitamin E oil today to try and reduce the scaring on my wounds, I wore a t-shirt yesterday and found I was to self conscience over my arms. Its to hot for long sleeves and I just want them gone or at least make them disappear a bit. Here's Hoping.

No Post Yesterday

I was out all day yesterday and did not get a chance to blog, I will write later and let you know what is happening, all in all I am feeling great at the moment, no anxiety maybe it is starting to work.

Session Three

Well session three is over and done, a lot of questions have been answered. I went so deep under today that I actually think I feel asleep, a lot of memories came flooding back, things I didn't remember and they where quite upsetting, I found myself talking as if I was 7 years old, I did not really have control but I remember why I cut for the first time, I remembered the pain and the cut of the razor for the first time. I also had some sharp flashes of other things, it was like watching a flickering TV screen and I couldn't really piece it all together but it will happen in time but I know it is something bad, something I have deeply repressed.
I made good progress and asked my Therapist about the books I have been reading and would they hamper my progress in anyway, like the book on Cognitive Behaviour, he said my therapy was about dealing with emotional issue and trying to break down those barriers that make me do what I do, he said the books I am reading are about improving myself mentally but he wants to focus on the emotional. He gave me three books to read while he is away, books to help me understand myself more, I am looking forward to reading them.
We discussed my recent bout of anxiety and he said it is some latent emotions trying to break through, I just have to learn to deal with them and the fact that I didn't harm this time around was a personnel triumph, I have a long way to go but my resolve has been strengthened again, I just have to keep at it. The dreams I have been having have been very helpful to me and him and the interpretations have been amazing, the most simple of dreams have the most significant meanings, when they are analyzed and explained they make a lot of sense. I find the more I read, talk and research the more I realize the I am not all that different than a lot of other people out there, my case may be a bit more extreme than others but there are people out there that are going through pure hell, I am so grateful for all the support I am getting from friends out there, bloggers and otherwise. Here's to the future.

Mind over Mood

Well the anxiety has passed yet again, I have been feeling it for the last two days and I just noticed now it is gone, I feel back to normal. I think I need to find the trigger for it, when it takes over it is very hard to stay in control, you are consumed with irrational thought, things I would never dream of on a normal day, I need to try and keep in mind what started it and why? What I was thinking and how my mood was over the time, I will have a good talk with the Therapist tonight about it and see if he can come up with some kind of technique to help me control it or at least balance it out. As bad as I was and that was probable the worst I have been in a while I did not harm so at least I was strong enough this time around to get through. The mind is a very complicated beast.

Slept

Well after the sleeping tablet I managed to get to sleep at about 2am, I am feeling a little bit better today but still a bit anxious, I have my third session this evening and there are a few things I feel I need to address with the Therapist. I have never experienced this anxiety last this long and I just need to find out if it is part of the course, there are just so many issues floating around in my head that I just need to try and make sense of them all before they drive me completely crazy.
I am also feeling sad, like I want to cry but it just wont come.:-(

Ask John

If anybody has any questions about my experience of Self-Harm please feel free to ask me, I will be as open and honest as possible and if it helps you understand more then that is a positive thing for both you and me.

Pain

Its funny I have no problem with physical pain that I might inflict on myself, well not directly but when another causes me pain it shatters me. A few years ago I started to develop back pain, as the weeks progressed it got increasingly worse, I got to the stage where I couldn't eat, sleep, sit or stand, it was the most intense physical pain I ever went through and I ended up losing about 30 pound and my complexion was practically green all the time. I went to the Doctor and he sent me to a chiropractor, he bent me and crunched me but it only made it worse so I went back to the Doctor and he sent me to the back pain centre in the hospital. They sent me to a physiotherapist who for about 5 sessions did just about the same as the chiropractor and still no change, at this stage I just wanted to die, the pain was with me constantly like a hot knife been driven down my back and legs.
On my last session with the physiotherapist I demanded to see a specialist, I told her I was going to kill myself if I didn't get some help, she said "I am sorry but I see hundreds of people just like you every week" I told her that I was not eating or sleeping and if I had to go through this much longer I would die. I went home and immediately I got a call from the hospital asking me to come in for an M.R.I., I did and a few days later the specialist called me in and explained to me what was wrong, I had two prolapsed discs in my lower back which had taken over 75% of the nerve canal and they had to be removed, he told me I should have been resting and not over exerting myself which I had thanks to the professionals.
Within two weeks I was in the Blackrock Clinic for my surgery, I remember the morning I went in the clinic I got the bus on my own, I went in and filled out all the paper work and was shown to my room, luckily I had taken out the most expensive health insurance after Carl died so I was entitled to a private room. I sat in the room and waited for all the different people to come in and do various tests for the next mornings operation.
I had the surgery and when I woke up all went well, the pain was gone and it took me a day to get back on my feet and after 3 days I was home. As bad as the pain was when it was gone I missed it, I had gotten use to it and when I had it I forgot about everything else and at the time I wanted to die so this was a good excuse, in some ways it saved me for a little while. Luckily I have not experienced that pain since but I think the emotional pain is far worse.

Another Sleepless Night

I have tried on several occasions tonight to get to sleep but my heart is racing all the time, I find I can't sleep anymore without the TV being on, I just need the noise in the room to calm my mind from racing. It has been a while since I have felt this way but I know it is all part of the course, things will get worse before they get better. I just feel so frustrated and the more I think about my life the more anxious I get, I wish I could be someone else for a little while and forget everything,I am finding it hard to switch it of and try to block everything out, at least the pain in my mouth seem to have died down so as soon as I drop off I should sleep. I think I might see if I can find something to take to help me sleep so at least I can function tomorrow.

Can't Wait for Tomorrow

I can't wait for my session tomorrow because my anxiousness is really bad at the moment, maybe it is some of the stuff I discussed last week but things seem to be bubbling to the surface, some of the things we discussed last week made a lot of sense but I don't know what to do with it all. I have not harmed but can imagine how a drug addict must feel, I feel I have missed out on my fix, I know if I Harm, this anxious feeling will subside but I will also be guilty and disappointed in myself if I do. I am trying to keep busy but my head is so numb at the moment, I can't work out because of my tooth and I have no other way to vent out this stress, hopefully it will pass soon and I can get back to normal, my boss is back tomorrow so I am sure he will have loads of mundane choirs for me to do, Yippee.

Self-harm epidemic now starts at age eight

Children as young as eight are cutting and injuring themselves as the rates of self-harm in Britain increase. Experts leading a national inquiry into the problem have received information from patients which suggests that some are very young when they start deliberately hurting themselves.
The number of people involved appears to be on the increase. The charity Childline has reported that it counselled 4,000 self-harmers last year, up 30 per cent on the year before.
The new figures follow the revelation from Olympic athlete Dame Kelly Holmes that she started to cut herself a year before her double gold win in the 2004 Olympics. She said last weekend that she went through two months of inflicting cuts upon herself after injuries threatened to ruin her career. However, her family and sports coach knew nothing about it.
Holmes, 35, was training with world 800 metres champion Maria Mutola in the French Pyrenees, but was in constant agony from a damaged calf and tissue strain, leaving her unable to run properly. 'I thought I was cursed. It's the lowest I've ever, ever been,' she said. 'I'd locked myself in the bathroom and turn on the taps so nobody could hear me crying. I saw a pair of scissors. I picked them up, and started to cut my left arm.'
She said it was not a suicide attempt. 'I knew deep inside that I wouldn't go any further. The whole episode was nothing more than a cry of despair.'
Jo Revill. The Observer

Why do people deliberately injure themselves?

To put it very clearly: most people cut because they are being abused mentally or physically and the cutting helps them survive by making them feel alive and by allowing them to be the one controlling the pain. why some people find relief in self-harm while others don't. The message of both is simple: It's about coping. With understanding of the reasons behind a particular act of self-harm comes knowledge of the coping skills that are lacking. When you know what skills are missing, you can start trying to introduce them. Psychological motivations:Escape from emptiness, depression, and feelings of unreality. Easing tension. Providing relief: when intense feelings build, self-injurers are overwhelmed and unable to cope. By causing pain, they reduce the level of emotional and physiological arousal to a bearable one. Relieving anger: many self-injurers have enormous amounts of rage within. Afraid to express it outwardly, they injure themselves as a way of venting these feelings.
Escaping numbness: many of those who self-injure say they do it in order to feel something, to know that they're still alive. Grounding in reality, as a way of dealing with feelings of depersonalization and dissociation
Maintaining a sense of security or feeling of uniqueness Obtaining a feeling of euphoria Preventing suicideExpressing emotional pain they feel they cannot bear Obtaining or maintaining influence over the behaviour of othersCommunicating to others the extent of their inner turmoil Communicating a need for support Expressing or repressing sexuality Expressing or coping with feelings of alienation Validating their emotional pain -- the wounds can serve as evidence that those feelings are realContinuing abusive patterns: self-injurers tend to have been abused as children.Punishing oneself for being "bad" Obtaining biochemical relief: there is some thought that adults who were repeatedly traumatized as children have a hard time returning to a "normal" baseline level of arousal and are, in some sense, addicted to crisis behaviour. Self-harm can perpetuate this kind of crisis state
Diverting attention (inner or outer) from issues that are too painful to examine

Vanstone Condemns Self-Harm Protest

Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone has condemned a protest by Chinese detainees at Sydney's Villawood detention centre yesterday.
Five men and two women were taken to hospital after 13 people committed acts of self-harm.
Refugee advocates say the incidents happened after 25 Chinese asylum seekers were isolated for two weeks and interviewed by Chinese officials as part of the Federal Government's attempts to deport them.
Senator Vanstone says the Federal Government does not condone self-harm as a form of protest.
She has urged refugee advocates and the media not to encourage such acts.
Six of the detainees have now been released from hospital.

Still Having a Bad Day

I have been non stop all day today which usually I would not complain about but I am in agony with this damn tooth and on top of that I can’t eat, I have lost about 18 pounds in the last few weeks through diet, the gym and being sick and I really can’t afford to lose anymore. I can only eat yogurt at the moment because I can’t chew and the tooth pain is making me feel sick so I am not in the humour anyway.
I am trying to be positive but I am just very down in myself, I am just feeling a bit depressed and I am not really getting any time to myself to rest like I was told. Work is getting to me and I am contemplating calling in sick for the rest of the week but my boss is back of holiday tomorrow and there are others off or out sick over the next few days, I guess I will have to struggle on for the moment.
Third Session Tomorrow

Ouch

Still in a lot of pain with the tooth or lack of tooth, I had a sleepless night last night but I am up now so I will go to work because I am feeling quite down. At least in work hopefully I will be busy and can try and forget about it for a while, not sure why I am so down maybe it was lying awake all night thinking about things. I am trying to be positive but sometimes it is not that easy, sometimes the demons are to strong and just want to bring you down, at least the pain seems to be keeping the Self-Harm thoughts out of my head so I suppose that could be considered as positive.

The Dentist

I just had a tooth extracted at the dentist today and it is one of the most unpleasant and sickening experiences I have gone through in my life, I was anxious about it since yesterday but kept saying to myself it will be fine, I am probable thinking the worst but it was, I had a root canal and that was a piece of cake compared to this. Just the sound of the tooth cracking and breaking turned my stomach but at least it was painless.
When I walked out of the dentists surgery I realized how alone I really am, I walked home and felt as if I wanted to just scream and cry but I didn't, I just feel really down, lonely and sad.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday Blues

After escaping the weekend Harm Free,we come to Monday, the start of a new week and I am feeling very anxious, not sure why but I never do. I have my third session hopefully on Wednesday before my Therapist goes away on a 3 week vacation, I suppose I am anxious about him going away as I am only getting into things but that was the understanding when I started. I don't feel I want to harm but I do not feel comfortable in my own skin, almost like I have an itch I can't scratch. I achieved so much last week that I feel things are at a stand still at the moment. I am determined to start job searching this week and get out of the god awful job, the place is a poster for depression and I am on my own here for the most of the day.
The highlight of my day is that at 3pm I am going to the Dentist to have a tooth pulled which will almost be as much fun as pulling teeth, at least the pain from that will wipe away any notions of Self Harm later. I have started reading some new books, one is called "Mind over Mood" it is a self help book teaching you how to cope and deal with Cognitive issues, anxiety and depression. I have read the first chapter and it seems promising.
I had a amazing flying dream last night and am looking forward to seeing how my Therapist interprets it on Wednesday, I was so disappointed when I woke up this morning and it wasn't real, maybe that has something to do with my mood today. From the time I was 7 I always wanted to run away, change my name and live as somebody else but I know now the person I want to run away from I never can, Myself.

Me

I have decided because I have had a harm free weekend that I would reveal a bit more of myself in my profile picture.

Colour Test Part 2

Here is my results from the colour test I did from the site Tony recommended
http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/ its very good.

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.
You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.
At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.
There is a suppressed anxiety which may be the result of an unsatisfactory or discordant personal relationship. This has led or is leading to unwarranted excess stress and tension. You are angry, uptight and feeling the physical effects of this anxiety. It is essential that you calm down, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy. It would seem that most of your stress is a result of an unsatisfactory relationship. You have tried, or are considering the possibility of trying to restore the love and trust situation - but so far - perhaps to no avail. So the situation is regarded as depressing and this unhappy state continues to aggravate the situation to a point of complete helplessness.
You are completely worn out - physically and mentally - and it has got to the stage where 'you don't want to participate anymore'. You are in fact experiencing what is known as 'burnout' and your reaction is such that you feel that everyone is against you yet you still seem to refuse to listen to reason. You are hostile, bitter and indignant. You insist that you want and are entitled to your own way - well maybe you are, but your attitude is not conducive to making friends. Take it easy. Let go and get back into the World.

Almost Anxiety Free

I almost had an anxiety free weekend till last night, I was running around all day yesterday trying to get things done, as I always seem to be on a Saturday. Last night I was going to the movies with a friend to see Batman Begins, now normally I love these kind of movies and would be like a child with excitement but I really wasn't last night, I called to my friends house at about 8pm as he was driving, he is a very tardy person and it stresses me out a bit as I am a compulsively time keeper. We left for the movie at 8.30pm and had to pick up his brother on the way, the movie was on at 9.10pm. We got to the cinema at 9.10pm and he started driving around the car park looking for that perfect spot, I said twice to him, we are late so park anywhere but still he drove around, I could feel myself getting stressed but tried to stay calm. Eventually we parked and went in but he wanted to get food and go to the toilet first, I just wanted to get in and sit down, I got my ticket from him and went in. I had asked him to get seats on the aisle as I feel better sitting at the end seat so I can just leave if it gets to much but I ended up in the middle of the aisle. The guy sitting beside me was a really noisy eater and kept talking to his girlfriend, I kept looking at him and wanted to punch him but I didn't, I remained calm. The movie was very good but I just couldn't wait for it to be over, I don't think half of it even registered with me as I was wishing it was over and concentrating on the people around me so much.
Eventually it ended and I got home, I was so glad to get into bed and sleep. Movies have always been my escape from reality and I hate that something I enjoy so much might be ruined now as I only feel anxiety when I think of going there again.
I did not Harm and I know after last weekend some people may not believe me but it is the honest truth.

Colour Test

When I had my first meeting with the Therapist he gave me a colour test, eight colours that I had to put in order of my preference, this is the order I put them in and the analysis.

Red, Black, Violet, Grey, Brown, Green, Yellow, Blue

Physiological Interpretation:
Stress and Anxiety have resulted from emotional disappointment.
An emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly, has proven deeply disappointing and is regarded as a depressing tie. While on one hand, you would like to free yourself of this attachment all together, yet, on the other, you do not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty or the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory emotions aggravate you to such an extent that you try to suppress them beneath an aloof and severe attitude.
In brief: Stress arising from emotional disappointment.

Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional needs, have produced stress. You try to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personnel success or towards varied experiences.

You want to make up for what you feel that you have missed, by living with exaggerated intensity. In this way you feel you can break free from all things that oppress you.

You seek to close and understanding body in an atmosphere of shared intimacy, as a protection against anxiety and conflict.

You feel the you cannot do much about your existing problem and difficulties and that you must make the best of things as they are.

OK!!

I am having a good weekend so far, nothing to speak of but I have not felt any anxiety or the need to punish myself, I know now that the Self-Harm is a form of punishment I inflict on myself if I am in anyway happy or even just a bit sad. The emotional problems I have or at least the inability to show emotions I think have been my biggest issues, not allowing myself to be loved or even loving myself, in my session the other day I was told to imagine I was me now, talking to me when I was 7 years old, what would I say? I visualized in my head the scenario but I could not deal with that child, I felt sad for him but in the back of my mind I was thinking how weak and useless he was, I have to realize he was only 7 and had not even begun to live, what made him feel that he needed to take a razor and cut his own skin as a way to cope? I had to keep switching from one to the other but I found it very hard to be that 7 year old again, I want to look at him and love him but I can't yet.

Memories???

I have been having flashback memories since my session yesterday and it is difficult to know if they are real or just old dreams. I feel I am making progress but I find I am getting a little impatient to find out all the answers and if I do find the root of it all, what happens then? Will I explode into this emotional mess, will I cry all the tears I haven’t for the past 24years and who will I be after that? Will I have to mourn the loss of my life up to this point? Will I miss the Self-Harm as it has been my rock for so long? I find it hard to imagine a normal life free of Harming, sometimes it is difficult to look forward to a life you know nothing about but then again what kind of life do I have now, I don’t really have a choice but to look forward.
Positivity is the Key!!!

Alcohol

I mentioned to my therapist about last weekend and how when I go out for a few beers I always seem to go home then and harm, even if I have had a good night, I don’t drink all that often and I have a high tolerance for alcohol but I have been noticing more and more recently that I have black outs and major anxiety attacks after I have drank. I drink beer, Miller and would rarely drink anything else, I notice how after about 5 pints of the stuff my head feels fuzzy, I am very anxious and panicked no matter who I am with or where I am, during this time I think about harming more even though it is not the feeling I usually get when I harm, its a bit confusing. The therapist said maybe I have a bad reaction to something that is in the beer, he suggests that I should change my drink and see if I get the same reaction. I have no plans to drink this weekend but I will give it a go next time I am out, I use to love going out on a Saturday night but recently I just dread the thought of it. This weekend I am going to try and deal with my anxiety more constructively if it comes and try my best to have a harm free weekend.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy is a clinically and research proven breakthrough in mental health care. Hundreds of studies by research psychologists and psychiatrists make it clear why CBT has become the preferred treatment for conditions such as these . . .

Depression and mood swings

Shyness and social anxiety

Panic attacks and phobias

Obsessions and compulsions (OCD and related conditions)

Chronic anxiety or worry

Post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSD and related conditions)

Eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) and obesity

Insomnia and other sleep problems

Difficulty establishing or staying in relationships

Problems with marriage or other relationships you're already in
Job, career or school difficulties

Feeling “stressed out”

Insufficient self-esteem (accepting or respecting yourself)

Inadequate coping skills, or ill-chosen methods of coping

Passivity, procrastination and “passive aggression”

Substance abuse, co-dependency and “enabling”

Trouble keeping feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, eagerness, excitement, etc., within bounds

Over-inhibition of feelings or expression

Just what is CBT? How does it work?
Cognitive behavior therapy* combines two very effective kinds of psychotherapy — cognitive therapy and behavior therapy.
Behavior therapy helps you weaken the connections between troublesome situations and your habitual reactions to them. Reactions such as fear, depression or rage, and self-defeating or self-damaging behavior. It also teaches you how to calm your mind and body, so you can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.
Cognitive therapy teaches you how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving you a distorted picture of what's going on in your life, and making you feel anxious, depressed or angry for no good reason, or provoking you into ill-chosen actions.
When combined into CBT, behavior therapy and cognitive therapy provide you with very powerful tools for stopping your symptoms and getting your life on a more satisfying track.

Second Session

I had my second session today with the Therapist, it was a lot deeper and intense than the first time round. I went very deep into it and we managed to dig up some underlying stuff that maybe the cause of why I do what I do? The fact of the matter is that I hate myself and have for the past 24 years, that is why I punish myself, we need to find the reason why I hate myself and maybe I can learn to like myself more. I find I do so many things to try and make myself feel better, new hair styles, clothes, the gym and just about everything I can to make myself look better but when I look in the mirror I still don't like what I see. I think I may have found the reason for this but it is still early days and I need to explore it a lot more before I can decide if this is really the problem or just part of it.
It was interesting I found myself feeling a bit odd when I left the session, not a bad thing but it was like a door to a possible reality has been opened and inside this room there maybe some answers. I look at my scars now with contempt and just wish they where gone, I am looking forward to this weekend.:-)

Driving Me Crazy

Well my day started of by getting up at 7.30am to head into town to have my eyetest done for my drivers license, I am glad to report that my eyesight is perfect and I got a clean bill of health on that score. My Driving Theory test was at 10.30am but as always I arrived 30mins early but they let me take it at that time anyway, there were a lot of other people doing it but as soon as I sat in front of the computer screen all my nerves went, I completed the test in about 10mins and spent another 5 mins reviewing my answers, some of the questions had not been on the mock test CDRom so I was a bit miffed by it but just used logical dedcuction and managed to score 39 out of 40, which I was shocked and thrilled by. I didn't care for once about the one I got wrong I was just so glad all the study is finished with and now I can send of my application and get on the road in a few weeks. Well Done Me:-)

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have not been posting as much lately as I had been as I have been really busy with work and trying to get all this driving knowledge into my head, I have my test tomorrow, I am a bit anxious about it but quietly confident, don't tell anyone. I also have my second session of hypnotherapy tomorrow, I am also a bit anxious about that as well, I know the procedure now but I am afraid that some of the memories I might uncover may not be real, maybe they may be just dreams I had or fantasies, what if I never find the truth behind why I do what I do. Or what if I do how will it effect me, I am tired of hurting myself and waking up to see the scar's, I am tired of other people having to be hurt along the way, I just want my head straightened out.
Don't mind me I am just venting a little:-)

Honesty is the Best Policy

I believe that during this time of my life with all that I am trying to achieve, going through Therapy that I have to be open and honest with myself and others, this weekend however I was not honest to the people that support me on my Blog, I lied. On Saturday night I did in fact Harm and quite badly, there is no excuse for this and the next day when I woke up I truly regretted my actions, the fact of the matter was that I don’t remember entirely doing it, it was like a very fuzzy dream but the simple fact is that I Harmed and said that I didn’t, for that I am truly sorry to all my friends out there.
I started to write a comment yesterday to the people who made comment to my “I Didn’t Harm Blog” but I was to embarrassed to finish it but I know now that honesty is the only policy if I am ever going to overcome this condition, I will make a solemn vow never to lie again on my blog or to the people closest to me. I think part of the reason I lied was that I wanted people to think that after one session of Therapy that I had made a significant change which I have but it won’t all go over night, I know that the road is going to be long and it will take time but I am still positive that I will get there in the end.
Once again I am sorry:-(

Interesting

I am continuing my week of positivity which is not always easy in the place I work, I have been using the Web a lot, actively searching for a new job, a lot of the jobs I have come across are looking for somebody with a lot more qualifications than I have but I know I can do them as I have years of experience, when I see the money they are offering I just know I have to get out of this place. I have also bein looking up books on building my Self Esteem and Cognitive Behaviour Theraphy, I find Amazon good as it will give you reviews of each book by the general public who have read them and got help from them.
I need to really start to build up my Self-Esteem and stop thinking that everybody is better than me, I know I am every bit as good as the people out there and I have proved to myself time and time again but it just won't sink in, I think there is a bit of fear of failure and what that might do to me in the respect of me harming myself over it. I know that if I had just a fraction more confidence I could achieve a lot more and get whatever job I want, I think at the moment my hate for this place is really starting to push me hard to move on so that might be a good thing.

Positive to the Max

I am very positive today and plan to stay that way as long as I possible can, I am meeting Mr. Big tomorrow for lunch and am really looking forward to seeing him, the fact is I am kind of totally in love with him, we have a bit of a strange situation because of me but I am confident in the future when I am better things will work out.
xxx Mr. Big

Cutting

Cutting is common
People who self harm use all sorts of ways to inflict their injuries or pain, but cutting is one of the most common, possibly because razor blades are cheap, inconspicuous, and easily carried.
While this damaging behaviour can seem shocking, it could be said that there are plenty of other ways in which people self harm which society finds less outrageous. For example, men are more likely to cope with powerful feelings by aggression and fighting, while alcohol and smoking are widely accepted as ways of coping yet also widely known to be harmful.

Not bad or mad
Self harm is not wicked, bad or in most cases even madness, but simply a way of dealing with intense emotions. People who self-harm often report that inflicting injury on their body brings about some sort of release from anxiety, anger, unhappiness and other unbearable emotions. It blocks out these difficult internal emotions, by distracting them with a physical pain. Others say that it gives them a feeling of control, or makes them feel relaxed and alive.
What self harm is not is a failed attempt at suicide (this is quite different as I'm sure your friend will tell you). It is a way of coping with life, not ending it. Neither is it attention seeking - most people who self-harm go to great lengths to hide their actions.

You can help
You can help your friend by overcoming your horror and showing them that you care and understand a little why they are harming theirself, and are comfortable talking about it. Try to help them talk about their feelings behind the cutting, and be there for them as much as you can.
But don't take personal responsibility for stopping them cutting - that is too much to expect from any friend. Instead you might want to encourage them to explore why they cut, because by getting to the root of the problem they may be able to find less harmful ways of coping. This can be a very slow process. Suggest they see their GP who will be able to put then in touch with counsellors or appropriate people

Normal Day

For the first time in a long time I feel relatively normal today, I am busy in work, I slept well last night and I don't feel the usually pressure or anxiety I would usually feel after the weekend. I have a lot going on this week, my Driving Theory exam, my second session with my Therapist and more then likely I will have to visit the Dentist again this week but I am getting paid this week so the money worries will be gone. I have put myself on a budget in the hopes of reducing my Credit Card which I have given to a friend to mind until it is reduced a lot, I will have to start watching what I buy and get out of my impulse spending habit. At the last count I had about 40 pairs of jeans and I can't even count how many tops I have, I filled up to garbage bags full of clothes this weekend and left them out for charity, clothes that I may have worn once or twice. I feel with clothes if I buy something new it will cheer me up but it very rarely does, I think I may have enough to do me now.
I found out about car insurance at the weekend, it will cost me about €1500 as I have no driving experience but I feel it will be worth it for the independence I will get from having a car, driving lessons will cost about €30.00 per lesson as well and then there is tax to consider, it never ends. I am quite confident about the Theory test and I don't think it will be a problem to pass, fingers crossed. I hope the rest of the week stays like this.

Harm Free

Well I ended up having a good weekend after all, after my touch of anxiety passed. I went out with my Sister yesterday for a few beers but it ended up being more than a few, we went to a bar in town that I am not over fond of but I decided to go there to see had it changed, it was still full if the same pretentious people but we met a few characters and had a good laugh, we had a really good talk and I put her mind at ease about a lot of things she was worried about concerning me. I got home at about midnight and went straight to bed, about an hour later I was woken to my Mother knocking on the door asking me if I was ok, I was rooting through the closet and I don't know what I was looking for, I think I must have been sleepwalking, I remember her coming into the room and me pulling out all the clothes but everything else is a blank. I went to bed and slept and had a very strange but vivid dream.
I got up today at about 9am and decided I would go to the gym and work off all the alcohol, I was quite hungover but after about 2 hours of sweating it passed. A friend I have not seen in a while called me and asked if I would be interested in going for a spin so I did, we went to some gardens that I can't remember the name of and went for a long walk and then of to the Powerscourt garden centre for a look round. We had planned to get something to eat there but it was closed, I had not eaten all day, sometimes I forget to eat so we called into another friends house and raided her fridge. All in all it has been a good weekend and it has made me more determined to get my car so I can just head of at a moments notice and leave it all behind.
I didn't Harm this weekend:-)

Anxiety

I am having a bit of anxiety today, it started last night for some reason but I am doing my best to combat it by being positive. The weekends are not my best time and I have had a really good week, it is quite frustrating that it just comes over me like this but I am going to do my best to take control. I went back to the gym today and worked my ass of literally, I have lost a total of 8 pounds since I started but I think some of that is from being sick last week, I still am getting comments from people saying I am getting to thin but I feel good and think I am starting to look healthier.
I am going out later on with my sister for a few drinks and a chat, we are going to have a few beers just in the evening and head home early, I don't think I can handle the Saturday night buzz around town so I think that is the best plan. It is such a beautiful day here and I hope we can get into a nice beer garden in the city. I am going to wear a t-shirt and I don't care who stares, its to hot for long sleeves.
I will let you all know how I get on later.
I am not going to HARM today.

How to Deal With The Scars?

First and foremost make sure if you Harm that you treat you wound properly, clean them and use an anti-septic cream or spray to reduce the risk of infections.
I have done a little research on dealing with scars resulting from Self-Harm. I want to first note that I am not a doctor, and can therefore only give advice based on what I have researched and learned from the internet. Scars are a tricky thing. When in the midst of a self- harming fit, many WANT scars. In fact, I often thought, "the more, the better." However, this doesn't hold up after one begins recovery from self harm. Scars can be embarrassing, annoying, shameful, and incredibly triggersome. Some view their scars as a mere indication as to what they have lived through, but to many others, they are pain - filled memories, that should be erased any way possible.
I cannot stress enough that before doing anything drastic to your body, please consult with your doctor on which method best suits your needs.

Vanishing Creams and Such:
There are many new creams coming into the market that boast great results when it comes to erasing scars. However, these cost a pretty penny and may simply be scams. Therefore, I will not recommend anything in particular. If you are willing to take a chance on these antidotes, simply enter "Scar Removal" on your browser's search engine, and you will have multiple website's to read through.
The only cream that I have known to help (and it comes pretty cheap to) is Vitamin E cream. It is available in almost all drugstores and should be applied daily to decrease the appearance of scars. It can take weeks to start working, and it doesn't work for everyone, but many have found it even a little helpful or simply purchase some Vitamin-E capsules. Squeeze the liquid Vitamin-E from capsule and rub into the scarred area. Do this once or twice a day. How long the treatment is needed varies with the size and the age of scars. Small or fresh scars begin to fade in 2 weeks, if not sooner. Larger or older scars can take 2 to 4 weeks
There is also a new patch - type thing on the market which is to be placed over scars, and is supposed to aid in their removal. Again, I do not have a name, nor do I know if it is affective, but if you are interested, ask your pharmacist about it. (It is fairly new, so I'm not sure if it is out everywhere yet.) I also hear they are pretty pricey, but worth it if they work. (I will let you know more about this one when I find out more.

Curad Scar Therapy Cosmetic Pads:
There are 21 pads in each box and it was about €25. On the back of the box, it says that in clinical studies results were shown after 8 weeks. Some people saw results within 1 week. Scars (from razors) got significantly flatter and less pink, so you can only see them, instead of also being able to feel them.

Another cheaper method I found was:
Add half a cup of fine salt, 2 teaspoons of lemon juice and 2 teaspoons of olive oil. Mix together and place on scars leave for a few seconds, scrub with a soft brush and then wash off in warm/hot water. Massage Vitamin E oil into the scars! Do this once a day! The salt exfoliates, the lemon juice lightens and the oil moisturises! It is found to started working after 2 weeks but only on fine scars, raised ones don't seem to get effected.

Savlon ActivHeal:
They'll treat both new and old scars. (Up to 10 years old.) They're made of medical grade silicon based gel, and they're these thin, almost membrane-like sheets. In the pack you get two sheets, and they're reusable. You can cut them to size, and they're sticky on one side, so they'll stick to your skin. You can wear them day or night, for any length of time you like. (although probably, the more you wear them, the sooner you'll see results.) They've been developed specifically for hypertrophic scars(red and raised, no collagen build-up.), and keloid scars (red and raised, caused by a build up of collagen.) They flatten them and make them paler. It says that results should be visible after about 3-4 months. I can't verify that, because I didn't use them for that long (you can only use them on fully healed skin), but from what I did use and see, the scars did get paler. Quoted from the booklet: "No-one can explain exactly how this treatment works but it is believed that it may hydrate the scar tissue itself, creating ideal conditions for gentle softening & fading of scar tissue."
Another thing I wanted to say was that what I do sometimes to cover up scars on arms is to buy a support bandage, and put that on the arm. If people ask, I normally just say that I was in an accident and that I've got some scars that I feel uncomfortable about showing.

Elastoplast Scar Removal Patches:
You can buy them in a pharmacy, they are the equivalent of about €20 for a packet of 21 patches. They are supposed to work after 8-10 weeks, but it may take longer depending on your scars. However, they do speed up the process of scar healing. You have to wear them for at least 12 hours a day

Laser Surgery:
This option is very high on the costly list, and has gotten mixed responses. This option should definitely be discussed with your doctor before doing anything if you are considering it.
The surgery is usually performed on an outpatient basis, with multiple appointments. A local anesthetic is used on the area, and a laser burns away the scarred tissue. This can take several months and can be painful. Sometimes the scars left by laser surgery can even be worse than the scars you went in with. Contact your doctor for more information on this treatment.

Make Up:
Ok, so this will get some weird looks from readers, but this can be effective if you wish to lessen the appearance of your scars for a day or two. Apply a concealer that is very close in colour to your skin tone (the colour around the area of the scars) directly over the scars. Blend well, and cover with a similarly coloured powder if skin is shiny. There are also creams available at make up counters that reduce the look of red or purplish marks (it is usually green or purple in the bottle). Simply ask a cosmetician if it is available. Makeup won't necessarily make the scars vanish, but it can lesson their appearance.

HELP!!!

After 24 years of Self-Harming, Physical/Mental Abuse, Low Self Esteem/Confidence, Negativity and hurting those around me as well as myself I have begun my journey to a better life. It is good, I know now