My First Visit

Today I had my first visit with a Psychotherapist and my God if I thought I was scared last night I was terrified today. I set of at about 1pm on the journey to meet this man that may be able to change my life, I arrived at the house and met him. He was really nice and friendly and made me feel at ease immediately, the fear went away. I told him about my problems and he gave me of a number of options and some literature to read. He answered every question I had and gave me a complete outline of how the treatment will go, I was told not to make any choices yet but when I do to give him a call.
I was elated when I left, I can feel the change already and I have not even started the therapy.
Now I know that I am nowhere near getting better but I have made all the positive step and that alone has done me a world of good, I am not frightened at the moment and for the first time, I am excited about the future.

Play it again Sam

I had quite and experiences last night, I was asked to do a questions and answers for an organization training to deal with people suffering with Self-Harm. About 6 weeks ago I did a video for this group, talking about my experiences with Self-Harm, it was about 15 minutes long and at the time I was very much in the frame of mind that my Self-Harm was not a problem, it was my only way to deal with things and that was that. Looking back now on the video and since I have started to write, read and research on Self-Harm, I see that John as a total stranger but this time in a good way. I know now that there is hope and that someday I will live a Self-Harm free life, I know it will not be today or tomorrow and the road may be long and bumpy but I will get there in the end.
As much as I was scared sitting in front of a group of strangers, I knew it was something very important I had to do. It is very difficult for somebody to understand why somebody Harms, you can read and research all you like but getting it from the horses mouth is the best option and last night I was the horse. I sat in front of about 25 people and was trembling but as soon as the questions started to fly I could not shut up, I could have talked all night. I received numerous comments and e-mails today of support and thanks for the talk, it does me so much good to think that by helping them understand, someday they will be able to help somebody with my condition.
I have great admiration and respect for these people, their unselfish act to understand and help people is above and beyond the call of duty. I hope I have helped them to understand Self-Harm more and I will go on trying to make people understand.
Thanks for all the support.

A New Week

The week is of to a good start, I am off work till Wednesday and am spending some time with a good friend at the moment hence me not writing as much in the last 2 days. Tomorrow I have my first visit to the Psychotherapist, it is only a chat about what will happen but I can't believe I am getting there and have my foot on the first rung of the ladder. I am trying to be more positive and put behind me, my negative ways, well that's the plan anyway.

A New Day

8.00 am and I wake up with a sense of relief, I made it through last night Harm free once again. It was great to see all the support and especially from someone who has gone through a similar experience as me, who I wish all the support to in her struggle.
It still amazes me when I read back on past posts, especially last night, how pathetic and weak I am because I am not that person this morning. I look out at the sunshine and now I am looking forward to the day, I am looking forward to Tuesday when I have my first visit with a psychotherapist to discuss what will happen next. I am not expecting a miracle but I know I am making the first step on the long and painful road to recovery. It does terrify me and although this blog is part of the reason I am seeking help, there are others I am also doing it for, people I love and hope love me and most importantly I am doing it for John, the 9 year old who felt so bad the only way he could get through was to cut his own flesh.
I want to be able to look at a picture of him and realize, "that was me".

Who would I have been?

Who would John be if he didn't have to deal with all that has happened and is happening to me?
I wish I knew but I would like to think I would be strong, confident and happy. I wish I didn't spoil everything I touched and hurt everybody around me, why do people bother with me? I am just this fucked up individual who will never be right in the head, I cut my own skin with a razor blade on a regular basis, I cut and watch the blood flow, my blood trickling down my arm. I can't show or handle my emotions, I push everyone down until it explodes and the blades come out. I have disgusting scars that will never go away and never be explained. I am so screwed up and would be better of put away rather than being a burden to people. I may be feeling sorry for myself but that doesn't mean it is not the truth.

Good Night

I am feeling so low at the moment, I wish I knew why or had a way to deal with it constructively. It just hit me like a wave, I have a feeling of panic in my stomach and my head is feeling like cotton wool. I am afraid of losing control and would love to take a pill to make it all go away, just drop out of existence, I just despise myself at the moment probable just feeling sorry for myself yet again.
I wish I was never born and never had to go through this existence, I feel worthless at the moment and the only person that can change that is myself. I wonder, am I strong enough mentally to fight this and to go through this whole journey, this morning I would have said yes but now I am not to sure, I am just so tired of it all.
I can't seem to plan anything, the slightest hitch or let down knocks me out of control, I am so use to being on my own and I am tired of it, the loneliness is the killer.
I am going to sleep now, I am so tired.

Not Again

I am feeling the urge again to harm, I am worried as it seems to be happening to me on a more regular basis now that I have started to look into getting help. I think a lot of things from the past are being relived in my mind, I know it is important to talk and that is what I am trying to do on the blog. I don't like calling people and annoying them on Saturday night, this is my problem and I will have to face it myself.:-(

Adam

One of the best things in my life to happen in the last few years was the birth of Adam, the son of my best friends. He was born 3 years ago and I love him to bits, he is the first child in my life and the best, it warms my heart when I think of him. I was over the moon when I was asked to be his Godfather and take my duties very seriously, I try and get to see him as often as possible and when I see the smile on his face when I walk in the door, you have no idea what that does for me. He is such a character, so smart for a 3 year old and he is a real little lad. B & E are the best parents, they offer him everything a child could want and I have no doubt he will grow into an open, intelligent and emotionally mature young man.
As I will obviously have no children on my own I spoil him a bit, E gives out to me but as I say, "I am the Godfather and I am allowed". When I babysit for them he will sit beside me and we will watch some movie he has seen a million times and he will actually say to me "I have to go to bed now", I will usually get trough a page of a book and he is asleep. When I look at him asleep and so peaceful it makes me sad to think that there are millions of children out there that are being treated badly and will never get the advantages of a good home that Adam has.
I am looking forward to seeing him grow.

Excellent Book

I have just finished reading "Cutting" and I have to say of all the things I have read, both books and information of the internet, this is by far the best I have read. It give details and solutions on various cases in Self-Harm over his career as a psychotherapist, he is the only one I have read that has done his research on Self-Harm and found that it is a condition that can be treated and nothing to be ashamed of.
The first part of the book deals with different patients, mostly girls, all in different situations but the outcome is the same, Self-Harm. The second part deals with repairing the damage to the harmer and helping them pick up the pieces of their life.
With many examples from his practice, he provides clear and comprehensive information on the causes and effective treatment of the disorder, specific advice for therapists, and an encouraging sense of hope for patients and their families.
I would recommend this book to everybody, whether they are Harmer, worried family members or those just trying to understand.
Click below to get a copy:
Cutting: Understanding & Overcoming Self-Mutilation by Steven Levenkron

Guilt

I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things I have done in my life, a lot of it I blame on myself and just the way I am but I should be able to control it. When I think about when I was with Carl and he was going through all the Cancer stuff, I was always very distant because I could not handle what was happening. In turn I would Self-Harm to try to deal with it all, he would obviously find out about it and be worried sick, that did not help his condition. I am partly responsible for the Cancer coming back, I was not there for him the way I should have been when he was going through all the business pressure.
I just kept putting it to the back of my mind, I would say to myself, its his fault for opening the store and trusting his business partner in the first place all because I just couldn't cope. The guilt rears it ugly head quite a lot and I wish I could go back in time and had done more but I can't it is just something I will have to try and live with.

Not a Word of a Lie!!

I am always paranoid that people will read my Blog and think I am making this stuff up, I wish I was but on my life it is all true. It is designed to help, educate and let me vent a little or a lot.
Thanks everyone who has read it and made comments and I just want the world know, I am not looking for sympathy just a little understanding.

Day From Hell

I had such a bad day today, worst I have had in a while. It started off ok but slowly went down hill. My earlier blog got me thinking about work and the more I thought about it the angrier I got, with that I pushed it down and got myself more and more upset. By about 3pm I couldn't stand it anymore and I did something I have only on very rare occasions, I harmed in work, just a little but it did me no good. Thankfully 5pm came around quickly and I worked out the rest of my frustration in the Gym, I am off work now till Wednesday and was really looking forward to the weekend but feel now I am coming down with something, will I ever get a break:-(
I don't mean to use my blog as a moan soap box but come on GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

Just Say NO!!

No is one of the hardest words for me to say to people, no matter what it is and no matter how much I don’t want to do it or disagree, I will say Yes. It makes me really angry inside, which I will push down and then vent it out later on through Self-Harm.
When I was much younger I was incredible shy, to the point where I would nearly pass out if I had to be in a situation with Adults, I use to go bright red, my heart would race like mad and I would go into a panic inside. I would put my hands in my pocket and scratch and pinch as hard as I could to make the panic go away. When at 15 I started to work in the local pub I was forced into the situation of having to deal with people and that force me out of being shy, I took on the role of being the Joker and the shoulder to cry on.
No matter how I was feeling I would joke or make constant puns about things, often quite witty but more often to the point of annoying. People saw me as the joker and would slag me off in front of people, friends and family but I would keep on being the joker and nobody thought it bothered me even though deep inside it hurt and it has carried on all through my life.
I work in a crap job at the moment, I am suppose to be a Graphic Designer but I end up doing everybody else's job as well. the company has 4 department, Accounts, Greeting Cards, Giftware and Graphic which I am in charge of. There are 4 people plus the boss working here one in each department but when somebody leaves I have to take over there job as well as my own, the boss says that there is no such thing as “It’s not my Job” and everybody has to pitch in. I don’t have a problem pitching in if it is busy but I end up spending months at different things, packing boxes, doing order, answering phones, invoicing, taking orders etc. but spend about 1/5 of the year on the computer designing. I can do everybody else’s job but no one can do mine so I end up under pressure to get things wrapped up if I am taking any time off.
My boss will see how stressed I am and how hard I am working but would never say well done but he will come into me a start saying “We need to start working on this or that design” which makes me so mad but I push it down again and end up Harming more. I wish I had the courage to stand up to these people, tell them I am not a joke and stop taking advantage of me but I can’t, I am to much of a Coward.

My Sister

My Sister, S as I will call her is 2 1/2 years younger than me, we where always and still are very close to each other. I was her big brother and it was my job to protect her, she was always daddies girl growing up and would have got a lot more out of the bargain of childhood than my Brother and I ever did. She was always an A student in school and had brains to spare, she use to teach me things I was stuck on in school.
We were involved in a youth group in the local school and use to go there every Wednesday night, one Wednesday I was down in my Grannies house and was going to call into home on the way and meet her to go. I arrived at the house to the sound of her screaming, I didn’t know what happened, I thought she had falling and broken something. I went into the living room and she was sitting on the chair holding her head, just screaming from the top of her lungs in pain, I tried to calm her down and to find out what was wrong.
My mother and father where up putting on there coat’s to bring her to the hospital, I didn’t know what to do, they took her out to the car and by this time she was whimpering and barely staying conscience. I wanted to go with them but they wouldn’t let me. I didn’t know what to do so I went to the group, I was worried but there was no way something could happen to her, she was just a kid and kids don’t die.
I came home at about 8pm to an empty house and began the long wait, at about 11pm the parents arrived back, the two of them were shattered but I could smell that they had been in the pub. I asked where was S? they told me they where keeping her in for observation and the reason they went to the pub was that my father could not bear to go back to an empty house even though it was ok to leave me there not knowing what was happening.
The following morning we rang the Hospital and got the news that they had found blood on her brain, she had had a brain hemorrhage and they where going to have to operate as soon as possible. We immediately got ready and headed of to the hospital before she went down for surgery.. We met with the surgeon and he told us that there was a good chance she would not make it through the surgery.
The realization of it hit me and I was devastated, I went into the toilet and started to cry, I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, Why not me? I pulled myself together and went over to her, she was on a stretcher getting ready to go into theatre, my mam and dad where talking to her say the would see her when it was all done. I went and kissed her on the forehead and of she went. I knew how drastic the surgery was but in my mind I could not ever think of anything happening to her.
We drove home but my dad couldn’t face it, him and mam went to the pub and I headed home, I don’t even know where my brother was all this time. I just sat in the chair waiting for news and must have dosed off. At about midnight they arrived home and my dad called the hospital, she was in intensive care but they would not know the success of the operation until after. I wanted to go to the Hospital there and then but it was to late.
The next day we went to see her in Beaumount Hospital where she was still in intensive care, we where only allowed in two at a time, she was still doped up and was not conscience, my parents went in first and my brother and I waited outside, after what seemed like forever my dad came out crying and just walk right past us. I went in and it was heart breaking, she was strapped up to so many machines, my mam just sat there holding her hand. We took turns going in and out but there was nothing really we could do.
the next few days where the same until the Monday we arrived and where heading for the ICU and heard “Mammy” being repeated over and over from one of the wards, I knew it was her voice and I doubled back, there she was with a nurse trying to restrain her, she must have woken up and not knowing where she was started screaming. I ran into her but she had no interest in me, she just wanted her Mammy.
She started to talk but nothing coming out of her mouth was making any sense, it was all jumbled, I got such a fright, I though maybe it is just temporary. The Doctor came into see us and told us that the part of her brain that controlled her speech had been damaged and she would have to go through speech therapy to learn how to talk properly again.
She was like a baby, I think she was so medicated nothing would have effected her, this was just another hurdle we would have to get over. Most days I would cycle from my house to the hospital to try and spend as much time with her as possible, she just wanted to go home and after about two weeks they allowed her. We where so happy to have her back, all the neighbours sent in presents and we spoiled her rotten but she started to get withdrawn.
She broke down for the first time on her first day home, I was sitting beside her on the chair and tried to comfort her but that was obviously mothers job. I could just stand ideally by and listen to the heart breaking noise. The following week she started speech therapy, form the basic ABC’s to reading, the part of her brain that was effected also effected her sense of danger, so we had to watch her all the time.
My mother took over the speech therapy, my father continued on with his work and thing tried to get back to the way they where but they never would. My brother and I where forgotten about. I use to take over with the speech therapy at night, she was given homework to do so I would help her. She use to get very frustrated so I would make a game of it or just try and do something different to cheer her up. I would have done anything to take it away from her, to make her be back to normal again.
After a few months her speech had improve greatly, she still had a long way to go but she was getting there in great part to my mam. We use to go to church every Sunday, as I have never been a great believer in God I though it was best not to tempt faith. the mass was progressing, boring as usually when I felt my arm being grabbed. It was S, her face was all distorted and she said to me “I can’t see”.
I grabbed her and tried to get her out of the pew and on the floor, she was a dead weight and a man behind helped, as soon as she was safe I ran and called an Ambulance, when I returned back she was unconscience with a crowded around her, my mother was sobbing and I was convinced she was dead.
The Ambulance arrived and they put her on a trolley, just before they took her out the Priest made his way down, to blessed her and then was trying to put Holy Communion into her mouth. I freaked out, I told him to “Fuck Off” and pushed him away, he could have choked her.
We went to the hospital and by the time we got there she was awake, she was confused and didn’t remember, it turned out she had developed Epilepsy from the scar left on her brain. She was medicated and told that if she took the medication as directed she would never have one again. The following week the surgeon in Beaumount wanted to see her and run some test to find out why she had the seizure, he found that there was scarring on the brain which would heal in time but also that there was another problem, another aneurism was about to burst and they would have to operate again.
She went into surgery and we where told once again to prepare for the worst, the surgery went along the same as the last time and the next day we returned to the familiar ICU. I was expecting the same but there she was, sitting in the bed with a face like thunder, she started to give out and apart from the odd error her speech had not disimproved any. I was so relieved.
She came home and continued her speech therapy, she was improving everyday and becoming the old S again, she was anguish to get back to school as all her friend where doing exam's and she didn’t want to have to stay back a year. The Therapist told her that she would never be able to go back to school or hold down a normal job, she had gotten her a place in Cheeverstown House, a school for the mentally handicapped but my mother said no way. We knew what S was capable of and there was no way we where giving up on her and I am happy to say we didn’t.
She went back to School and did well in all here exam's, she went on to college where she obtained a Higher Diploma in Business and Fiance, she went on to work for various different companies, never having a problem where ever she went and to top of all that, she has a look that would put any Supermodel to shame. She is now engaged to a really nice guy and they a planning to get married next year. Even though she has the odd seizure it has not stopped her from doing what she wants to do and there is no limit to her potential, I love her .

Scarred

I looked at my arm from the weekend today for the first time since I harmed and boy did I do some damage, it wasn’t my usual cutting. I would usually cut straight across my arm about 10 times, each cut eventually getting a little deeper, they are normally about 3 -4 inches long and quite neat but this time I cut diagonally, same kind of cut but a lot deeper.
I was not in control that night, it is never my intention to cause serious injury to myself but I think whatever happened I lost control of it and really did want to do damage. As much as I obviously wanted to really hurt myself that night something must have happened to stop me, maybe it is some kind of built in safe guard I have. The wounds are healing yet again but I know I am going to have to look into plastic surgery in the future if I ever want to be rid of them.
I use to look at them with a sense of pride, my battle scars from my life, now I only see them as a burden, something I am going to have to face and try to overcome.
It is not a nice life to live, the life of a Self-Harmer.

Good Days & Selfish Ways

On a good day I do a lot of thinking, I am always going on inside my head trying to make sense of things but on good days I get moments of clarity. I am a very selfish and self involved person, I think a lot of the time the world revolves around me because I have my problems but to my shock, it doesn’t.
The people I love, the people that are so close to me are going through things themselves and I am not supporting them as much as they are supporting me. My attitude in the past was always “Your problems can’t be as bad as mine”
Relationship and friendships need working at, it is all about give and take, I take a lot more than I give, now I am not talking material thing, I am talking about emotional support, just being there for that person to listen. Now I am not saying I have the answers, I wish I did but I know myself from just talking to friends and getting there support, it has helped me immensely.
It’s time for change, "BIG" change.

Good Day

I had a good day today, I was really busy in work with interesting things to do for a change, I am still a bit nervous in my stomach but am feeling optimistic for the future. I made an appointment to see somebody next week and have a good weekend planned all I have to do now is get through till Friday. I am also doing well in the gym despite making a fool of myself at the start but I have got into a routine and am feeling fit already.

Fear for the Future

I worry when I think of getting help, now don’t get me wrong I do want help and am 100% committed to changing my life but I have people close to me I love, people who through good and bad have always supported me. I worry I will change over the course of therapy and not in a good way and drive the people closest to me away, I am afraid they won’t like the “new me” or that the things they liked about me in the first place will go. I value all the people close to me so much and I fear they will get bored and leave and I will be alone in a different way. I know I am probable worrying over nothing but it is the fear of change that has kept me at this stage for so long, I know now I can’t go through this existence anymore and things have to change, I have to face and conquer all the fears that have hurt me and held me back for so long.
I love the people closest to me and a part of the reason why I am going through this is for them, to stop hurting them and myself, I would also like to thank all my new friends on the site for there continue support and help.

Blackouts and Flashback's

As far back as I can remember I have suffered blackouts or lost time, I have never told anyone about these as they happened with such distance apart I never really saw them as a problem. My last episode was on Saturday night which I recounted on an earlier Blog. It is like your higher brain functions shut down and your body goes into automatic pilot.
My most profound experience happened about 10 years ago, I was in town with work mates and all of a sudden I had to leave, no reason, I just had to leave. I remember leaving the pub and then nothing until 7 am the next morning, it felt like coming out of a trance. I was living with Carl in Sandymount at the time and when I came to I was walking home in the completely wrong direction from where I had come from. When I came in Carl was getting ready for work and was worried as to where I had been, I just told him I had stayed at a friends from work as I did not want to worry him.
When he had left I striped to have a shower, all my lower back, bum and legs where bruised and covered with welts & cut, I obviously did not do it myself because of where the marks where. I checked myself over and did not find any other signs that I had been attacked, to this day I have no idea what happened and have said nothing since. I have had blackout on a smaller scale ever since.
I have also being having a series of Flashback's which I am not sure are real repressed memories or just something going on in my head, two in particular if they are real memories may shed some light on my condition. I look back on certain stages through life and see those individuals as strangers and the memories I do remember don’t feel like my own. Maybe that is where all the frustration and Self Harm comes from.

Do I Do It To Myself

I often wonder about all the things that have happened to me, do I bring them all on myself. I read back over my blog and think, how could so much shit hapen to one person? Did I do something to deserve it? Now I know that other people have had far worse times of it than me but I wonder is there something in the back of my mind, something I am doing that make all this happen to me. I don't want to be a victim of circumstance anymore!!

Who Am I?

The view we have of ourselves, the way we think other people view us and how other people view us are three completely different things. I spend a lot of time in my own head thinking and nearly melting my brain trying to work these three out.
How I view myself?
I am not a big fan of me, never have been, I always wish I was somebody else. I am constantly trying to please and be liked and when I am not I get upset. I hurt the people closest to me on purpose to keep them at a safe distance, I don’t mean a lot of the things I do, sometimes I get frustrated and it is always easier to take it out on those who are closest. I think I can make a lot of improvements to myself but even when i achieve my goals I am not happy, I will find a flaw. I have little or no self esteem and will let people take advantage of me, thinking that they will like me. I do not share my problems to often for fear people will get fed up and drop me so I continue to harm physically and mentally.
How I think people view me?
With pity, if I share to much, I feel they really don’t want to know. They know if they ask me to do something for them I will do it no questions asked. They have no interest in me, they are only out to get what they want and will drop me as soon as they do. I am the life and soul of the party, I will entertain and make them laugh even if I am dying on the inside. I am easy and there is no problem getting me into bed, I will do anything they want and expect nothing in return.
How People view me?
I would like to think I am a likable person, fun to be with but I am not other people so I don’t know.

Lost in New York

After Carl died I had a lot to do, first was to get through the funeral, Carl’s brother took over everything and his family decided what he wore and how things where going to be done. I knew Carl wanted to be cremated as did a lot of his closest friends, one of his friends called them and told them and thank God they listened. I travelled to the funeral with the family and sat up the top of the church beside his sister. I still could not cry and just spent the whole time shaking, I had not eaten or slept properly for about a month but I managed to keep going as I knew I had so much to do.
I booked a flight to New York exactly one week on from Carl’s death, I was planning to stay for a month and get the business and apartment sorted. I arrived in New York with nobody to meet me, got a taxi and headed straight to the store. There was sale signs all over the window and the place was full of people, a picture of Carl was in the window with a message, “Closing Down Sale due to the Death of the Owner”
I went inside and got straight to work.
Noel was there and was being helped by two friends, I felt like a stranger in the place and kept looking at them at the desk expecting to see Carl appear any minute. The customers where in like vultures, trying to get more off the outrageously under priced stock, they made me sick. I had to endure 4 days of this. I had to borrow $5000 to pay of my landlord’s back rent and another month to get things organized, money I thought I would get from my share of the sale at the time, I was so confused and Noel took full advantage of that. All the cash that was made was put straight into his pocket and by Monday the shop was just about empty and he was gone back to Seattle. He left and envelope with a few thousand dollars and a list of what needed to be done.
I had to clear out everything that remain in the shop before I could give back the keys to the landlord, now keep in mind that all this had nothing to do with me, my name was on nothing but I felt I was bound by duty to Carl. Every morning I would be there, clearing and sweeping, there was so much stuff in the basement that was not sold and I had no choice but to through it out. I had constant calls from companies looking for money but what could I do, I started to ignore the phone.
Every night I would go to my local bar and drink and than go home on my own, I got no support from the people I thought where friends. I would Harm nearly every night to the point I feared for my life, I think a lot of the reasons why I didn’t end it was I was worried how they would get my body home and I didn’t want to cost my family any expense. My mood and manner had also changed, I became this cold hard person all the time, the thought of self harm with me constantly.
Christmas day I spent alone, I have never been a big fan of the holiday but there was always somebody around, I got a call from family and friends and told them I had been invited out so they wouldn’t worry. I called Carl’s Sister to wish her and the family a happy Christmas in spite of what happened, she answered but couldn’t talk, she was preparing dinner for everyone and they where on the way over, she said she would call me back when everyone was there but she never did.
I had two weeks to go in New York and I had to start thinking about packing up the apartment but i couldn’t, it was my home and it had to many memories so I decided I would get the money together to pay another few months rent and take the pressure off. I borrowed more money and paid, I was due to get £60.000 from a life insurance policy from Carl so I knew it would be OK.
I spent the next 2 weeks going out. getting drunk and always bringing someone home, I had unprotected sex with them all, I was trying to fill the void and when It wasn’t working I asked them to leave. I suppose it was another form of Self Harm, I didn’t care if I caught something luckily I didn’t.
I returned home weary, I had organized a charity thing for the hospice when I returned in Carl’s name and everybody came and gave money, not a lot but I decided it was going to be something I would do every year. The life insurance policy Carl had was in his Irish business partners name, Paddy, he knew that Carl wanted me to have this money so I had a meeting with him. He told me that the family had been on to him and knew about it and he was afraid of them, I started to panic, he was going to hand this money over to them. I contacted Carl’s solicitor who had come into the hospital but he would not talk to me so I rang Carl’s sister to see what was going on.
She told me that Carl owed his Mother and Father £20.000 and that would be taken out of the money, also that in Carl’s will he wanted his Nieces and Nephews to get £1000 each and there was 10 of them, another £10000, the funeral was paid for, solicitors and a few weeks later I got a cheque for £10000, I was beside myself, I already owed that and more and I still had to go back to New York, pack up the apartment and pay to get it shipped home which was going to cost me another £3000. I rang Carl’s sister and told her that I would have needed at least £20,000 but she just laughed, she suggested that she and her sister would go over and clear out the apartment as I was to sentimentally attached to be doing it, I refused.
I booked my flight and had planned to stay for another month, sell of all the furniture and try and raise the money for the shipping, I had an apartment sale but had to sell everything cheap so I could raise the money, everyday I had complete strangers coming in a picking at my life, I hated it. I finally got everything sold and packed away but I did not have the money to ship it so I was left with no choice but to put it into storage. At this point I was very under weight and the strain was taking its toll, I was suffering back pain from all the heavy lifting and I was Harming on a daily basis and that was not taking into account that I never got the chance to mourn Carl.
I came home and before I could do anything I had to get a job, I sent out 50 resumes and got one call, the job I am in now, I started work but had to state to my boss that I would need a week of to go back to New York, after about 3 months I had the money together, I flew back to NY for a week and shipped everything home, I put it all in the garage and have not gone through a lot of it yet. A week after my return I got a call from Carl’s sister asking if I had shipped the stuff back, I had put some things aside for them that I knew Carl wanted them to have, I told her this. She said I will call up and collect them, then she asked would she need to hire a van, I told her it was only a few pieces but she insisted she wanted all of Carl’s things.
I could not believe it, I told her “you take what you are given or nothing at all, everything else in my apartment was mine” She collected the things and I have never heard from them since.
It took me to this day to get it all paid off and it took me nearly as much time to get over that as it did to get over Carl’s death.

The Dark Side

Well yesterday at least one positive thing happened to me, I had an incredible busy day. I was in town at 9am and got the CD ROM for my Driving Theory test, did some shopping as it is one of my favourite past times. I headed home and then out to the gym, I worked out for 90mins and felt really good, I wore a vest t-shirt and totally blocked out all the stares from people over the condition of my arms. The looks of horror from some of them are understandable but I suppose they will never understand. I met my good friend for coffee and we had a good chat about things, she is my closest friends, she knows a lot about me and can relate.
I went out last night for my friends birthday, we went to the usual bar we go to and my sister and her fiancee came in. We where having a good night until about midnight and my head started to spin, I felt as if the place was closing in on me. I went to the toilet and locked myself into the cubicle, my head was life cottonwool again, I started to scratch at my arm to try and get a reaction out of them but nothing, I went back out after a while, everybody was talking to me but I couldn't hear them so I said I have to go. I just walked out and left them and that is all I really remember, the journey home is very vague and I just woke up this morning in bed with all my belongings, feeling fine so something got me home. I had harmed a little but not much.

Cutting

I am reading a book at the moment called "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levenkron. The first part of the book is about different aspects of Self-Harm from different cases throughout his career. He started working with people, mostly young female who suffered with eating disorders, Self-Harm for most of them seemed to be a natural progression. His book gives different aspects throughout the eyes of the Harmer and the events that lead them to harm, it covers people harming as the result of Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Neglect, Divorce, Peer Pressure and Pressure to Succeed.
Although all the cases are different, the numbness, low self worth and harming patterns are the same, when reading it I can relate to a lot of it. I know it is going to be a long road for me to try and get myself on a even keel and I do not take it lightly, I know I may still harm for years to come and I know it is not something that is going to go away tomorrow but I am willing and ready to start making the journey.

Obsessive Compulsion

I am the type of person that can't wait, if I decide I want to do something I want to do it yesterday. I look in the mirror at my body and decide I need to diet and go to the gym, I diet and lose 7 pounds, I go to the gym and obsessively work out, I set the machine to show me the amount of calories I am losing and everyday I try to beat the previous days record, still I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. Then I go out have a few beers and all will power goes out the window, I find myself alone in some burger joint stuffing my face with crap, as soon as I finish I feel guilty.
I like to succeed but I am a perfectionist, if I can't do it 100% I won't do it at all. I did exams a few years back, 3 exams and scored 100% in two and 98% in another, all I could obsess about was the 2%, why did I not get that 2%? Where did I go wrong? It didn't matter I scored highest in the class or that overall I got A+ no that 2% ruined it all and I have considered that a failure.
I find it hard to say NO, no matter how tired I am, if somebody calls to go out I will. If I am asked by a total stranger to do some work for then I do it, I give it my all and never expect anything in return. I spend so mush time trying to please other people I always forget about myself, I think I just need to be liked that bad.
In dealing with my Self Harm over the last few week I have noticed changes in myself, some good some bad, I think about it a lot more, when I do it I know it is not right but I still have to do it. I think about the events that have lead me here, the people I have hurt and lost along the way and about who I really am. The self harm use to give me uniqueness but now I know I am not unique, I don't want to be this person anymore, I just want to live a normal life and be happy.

Useless

I am useless .

Busy Day

I haven't really had a chance to blog today but I can't go without saying at least hello, tomorrow is blog day and have a lot on my mind to write.

It’s Over

I don't know what happened to me over the last two days but it seems to have passed. Yesterday I had a Dental appointment to have two fillings done, I took a half day from work and went home first, I had planned on having lunch first because I knew after the anesthetic I would not be able to eat. I got home but I did not have time before the appointment for lunch so I went straight to the Dentist, had my two fillings and headed home.
I sat and read for a while waiting for the anesthetic to wear off as I wanted to eat and have my first visit to the gym, after about two hours it was wearing of a bit but not enough to eat so I decided I would go to the gym first and eat when I came home. I got on the treadmill and did about 20 mins, I just realized how unfit I have gotten, I had another 20 mins on the bike and decided to finish it of again on the treadmill.
I had got on the machine and was doing a fast paced walk when it hit me, I just passed out, I woke up literally as I hit the floor. I got a shock and tried to get up but I couldn't, I felt dizzy and shaky, everybody was starring and only one person came over to help me. By the time I got up two of the staff where over and I seemed to be developing a crowd, I got into a panic, told them all I was fine, that I had lost my footing and retreated into the lockerroom.
I sat for a while to get my bearings and then changed, I took of my bottoms and noticed the blood running down my leg, I cleaned it up and continued getting changed. The guy getting change across the way from my asked me if I was ok just as I was taking of my top, he saw my arms and responded "Jesus". I ignored it and left. I felt so stupid, I can't believe I made such a fool of myself, I felt everybody knew and where watching me.
I got home and that is all I could think of, how stupid? I think that is what triggered it of, the fact that I was doing all these good thing and I had to go and make a complete idiot of myself.

I Harmed

Unfortunately I did not make it last night, I harmed, as much as I regret it I feel I didn't really have a choice. I am disappointed in myself but now all I can do is get on with things. I don't expect anything from anyone, just to read this blog and try to understand why we do what we do? And to let other Self Harmers know they are not unique in what they do.
I cut my arm with my trusty blade several times, when I cut there was not pain so I knew it was bad, after about 10 mins I felt back to normal so I cleaned up, stopped the bleeding and went to bed for a restless night sleep.
My emotions feel back to normal today but I feel really guilty and disappointed in myself.

Self Harm. Sometimes you are alone:-(

Despite the title of my blog "SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE" sometimes you are, I hope reading this it will give harmer comfort to know that they are not the only ones doing this act, in that sense the are not alone but when the demons come and the glisten of the blade shines it is hard to resist. Most harmers harm alone, it is a private act to satisfy a greater pain, the numbness takes over and you feel there is not much else you can do. I wish I had the answers, I wish I didn't feel this wave coming over me, I wish I didn't feel the need to harm but I do and tonight I think it is going to get the better of me. I am trying to distract myself but I am finding it hard to concentrate, my head feels like cotton wool, my hands are shaking and I am so tired. I kept thinking of all the good I have achieved in the last while but at the moment I feel worthless, I feel the tears inside me that never come and it is driving me crazy, I don't know what else to do.

Oh Father

I never had a great relationship with my Father until about a week before his death. He was a good Dad but very strict, he was a Garda (Policeman) and was brought up in a very strict house with two sisters. His Mother was a strange woman, she valued material things over her family and his Father like his brothers was an Alcoholic, Dad was the workhorse of the family, always on call day and night and would have to do everything in the house. His Mother, even during the depression had the best of everything, as my Grandfather would get it all on the black market, she was wearing mink when people where struggling to make ends meet.
My Father carried out his strict regime with my brother and I, he was the authority figure and what he said goes, he was quite cold towards us, I think in his mind it was my Mother who gave the love and he was the bread winner. My brother hated him, he was adopted after they thought they could not have children, there was no bond and I think they both felt it. I was born 11 months and 2 weeks after the adoption. My father would feed us, change our nappies, in a lot of ways he was a very modern man apart from his inability to show us love.
My Sister came along 2 years later and stole his heart all together, now I do not have any resentment towards her, maybe I did back than but I love her to bit. She was so spoilt, she got whatever she wanted by just batting her eyelids at him.
He was quite an angry man and would fly of the handle very easy with us, a few slaps across the head was nothing to him, I use to cry after but that soon stopped when I started to harm, I remember I would take a beating for my Sister as I could not bear to see him hit her, which he only did on a very rare occasion, he hated his job and I think like his father he took it out on us.
The saying of “Wait till your Father gets home” use to fill me with dread, we would act up when he was not there as we could get away with murder with my Mother but on the odd time we would take it to far and live in fear of him coming home, she would never tell him.
At 13 I was working and making my own money, buying my school books, clothes and handing up half to my mother as my father demanded. I was never given the option of going to college as most kids do because we couldn’t afford it, most of my friends where going but my Father would not bother to borrow the money for it so I gave up.
I moved out at 19 years old and lived in a bedsit in Terenure, I was making £85 a week and spending about that on rent, bills and going out, I invited my parents down for dinner one night but he would not come, he said he would not spend a night in some bedsit. After a while I was let go from my job and had no choice but to return home but I had to ask him If could first, It gave him great satisfaction to see me fail.
After that I had the opportunity to go to America and become a camp councillor, I went for the interview and after about a week I had the job, I was terrified about leaving and told my parents about it. I got a frosty reception and was told if you go don’t bother coming back, so I stayed.
At 20 years old I was working away fulltime, my life was bad and I hated my Job, I was using laxatives all the time and harming a lot. I use to go to my Grandmothers on a Thursday to do her shopping but she wasn’t in, I waited for her a while and then I saw my Dad’s car drive by, I headed home and saw his car parked outside the pub so I went in.
He was there with my Aunt and Grandmother, they had all been at a funeral, I got a drink and joined them. After about 30mins they left and it just Dad and I, we had a few more beers and for the first time in my life he opened up a little to me. He told me about how much he hated his job and a range of other thing, I felt for the first time in my life like his son and he seemed genuinely proud of me as we left the pub, he kept telling people he knew, “this is my son and we are getting drunk”
The following week, on January 13th at 2am there was a knock on my bedroom door, it was my Mother, annoyed that she had woken me up, I shouted “What?” she replied “I think your Father is dead”. I leapt up out of the bed and took the stairs 3 steps at a time, when I went into the room he was motionless, I touched his skin and it was cold like marble, I checked for a pulse but there was nothing.
I turned to my Mother and told her to get Dad, he will know what to do, I was in shock and could not comprehend that Dad was the body in the bed.
When the shock wore of there was nothing, no sadness or mourning, he was gone and that was that.

First Childhood Memory

I was just thinking today of my first childhood memory, I was a baby lying on the floor beside my brother, he was 11 months older than me and my father was changing our nappies, in those days they used the old terry cloth nappies that where held together with pins. My Grandparent where calling up and I can remember in my head saying “Hurry up and change me, I will be so embarrassed if they see me naked”, I couldn’t have been anymore than 1 1/2 years at the time. Then I felt the pin going in my side, I turned my head and looked to see a big blob of dark red blood coming out, that image has always stayed in my head.

Lonely

I have felt alone all my life, I have family and friends but inside I feel alone, I talk to myself in my head as if I am two people trying to make sense of it all, I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. I have always envied other peoples lives, I always wanted to be them or anyone else as long as it wasn’t me. I always hated my body and would constantly try and change it, through dieting, working out and self harming.
I always thought through my life about running away, going somewhere that nobody knew me, changing my name and starting a whole new life, leave everybody and everything behind, don’t say a word just fade from existence but I can’t run away from the voice in my head.
I Self Harm to help me deal with this emotion and I have been lonely for so long no matter who is with me I am alone, when I am with the people I love the most, I can’t shake it. Through writing this blog, reading and researching Self Harm over the internet I know now I am not alone, there are so many more people having the same experiences as me and feeling the loneliness, I wish I could get rid of the lonely feeling but maybe with time.
It helps to know I am not alone, there is always someone out there to talk to, whether it is a close friend, a family member or an anonymous person on the other end of the phone “We are not alone”

Where are all the Men??

I have notice in most of my research in books and on the the net it seems to be mostly young women who self harm, I think I have come across one or two stories from a mans point of view. I wonder is it because women are more open with there feelings then men are. The rate of suicide in young men at the moment is at an all time high and obviously, it is seen a sign of weakness for a man to express his feelings, not so, we are given these emotions for a reason. There are reasons why you get, sad, happy, angry etc. so please deal with them and express them, if you turn them inward they become something else, something darker and the longer you do it the more difficult it is to change back and lead a normal happy life, trust me I know.
Once upon a time, childhood would have been considered a stress-free zone, but even our children are under pressure to perform in school and at home and they feel stress in much the same way as adults do.
Suicide is now a principle cause of death in young people. Interpersonal problems are considered to be a major contributor to as well as bullying, illness, poor parenting and youth related social problems.
On a worldwide scale around one million people take their own lives each year. In Ireland alone, approximately 400 people commit suicide annually. The reasons why people choose to end their life are both varied and complex, but research on suicide has shown strong links with both depression and alcohol.

The Last Post

The last post I wrote was extremely difficult and upsetting to write and I actually cried coming to the end, a few tears but it was a start. There is a lot more to the story that I will hopefully have the strenght to write soon, so bear with me.

The Death of Carl

This is on of the most difficult article for me to write as It was one of the most difficult experience I have faced in my life and it was the experience I thought would end it all. I mentioned Carl in my recent blogs, how we met and the fact that we where living in New York together but this is about the Cancer in between. Carl was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 3 years into our relationship, he had been suffering with an ulcer as we thought, he had an attack that forced him into hospital. After doing numerous tests he was diagnosed with pancreatitis, a condition that inflames the pancreas and cause a built up of bile in the stomach, as a precaution the took some biopsies of the area and he was sent home.
A week later he returned to the hospital to discover he had Cancer of the pancreas, the day the result arrived he called me, I answered the phone and when I heard his voice I started to ramble on about my day, when I stopped he just said it "I have Cancer". I was floored and immediately he apologized for telling me on the phone so he called up, we talked for a while and then he had to go and break the news to his family. I found it very hard to take in and I refused in my mind to believe anything could happen to him, the following day I met him in town he told me about the surgery and what the outcome would be but he sugar coated it for me.
Within a week he was in St. James Hospital to undergo major surgery, we went to his room and his family and I waited for them to take him down. The time came and of he went, the surgery lasted about 8 hours and was a lot more involved than they thought. We could not see him until the following morning and I was the first there, he was sitting at the side of the bed not looking the best but I was so relieved to see him up. He recovered quickly and was out of hospital after a week but there was still a lot or Chemo and Radiation therapy to go, six months passed and it was all over. He had to come back to the hospital every three months for a check up but overall he made a miraculous recover. During the time of the illness, Carl's business's closed down, as he was an Interior Designer, he was the business and as he was diagnosed with a life threatening illness he received a large sum of money from his life insurance, so instead of starting up again we decided to go to New York and start again.
I was sad to leave Ireland but I loved NY, so different and we could be totally ourselves over there, Carl opened an interior design store with a friend of his and I worked on reception with his partner, I hated the job but I was in NY so I could hack it. We had a great time and Carl had to travel home every 6 months at this time for check ups, after about a year he got the all clear and we could plan for the future but thing started to go wrong. Carl's so called business partner Noel finished with his partner David, it was a hard time and Noel decided to leave NY and leave all the responsibility to Carl, putting Carl under incredible pressure. I was working in the Salon trying to pay the rent until the shop started making money but it didn't, the debts kept mounting, the pressure kept growing and Carl's health started to disimprove. He started suffering with leg pains and shortness of breath, to make matters worse I had to go back to Ireland to get my Visa renewed. While I was home Carl was taken into Hospital in NY, after several tests it was confirmed that the Cancer was back, it was causing blood clots on his legs and in his lungs and he was given 6 Months to live, he was very calm about it, I think the second time round it was easier to accept, it was very difficult being stuck in Ireland while he was in Hospital in NY. After about two weeks he got out and decided to return home, at this stage Noel had returned and was looking after the business. Carl arrived home on October 30th, our 7 year anniversary, his friend and I met him at the Airport, he was in a wheelchair and in a lot of pain, I noticed his skin was very yellow as the Cancer had spread into his liver and Kidney's.
We went to Bewley's hotel where we met up with his two sisters, they took him home to his mother's house so he could rest up. The following day we had an appointment with the hospital but had planned to meet and talk before hand. He was driving and was going to meet me close to where I was staying after a while, I did not here form him and then he called, he was totally lost in Dublin, where he had lived most of his life. I called a taxi and found him and we drove to the nearest Hotel, I called his sister and she came and met us and we brought him to the St. Lukes Cancer Hospital.
We met with the specialist and he confirmed the worst, the Cancer was back and was covering 75% of his pancreas and liver, he said it would be a case of months left. Carl feel apart and so did his sister, they hugged and cried and I just stood to the side feeling numb. After the hospital we went for lunch and Carl told me the reasons why he came home. He said he wanted to set things up for me so I would be ok when he was gone, he wanted to buy me a house and transfer everything into my name because he said as soon as he was gone his family would take over and I would be pushed out but alas that didn't happen.
His sister dropped him home and the next day I was suppose to call over to him to get on with all he wanted to do, I called his phone in the morning and got his voice mail, I left a message but got no response, it came to lunchtime and I rang again, voicemail again, I left another message but no response. At about 6pm I was frantic, I kept ringing and ringing but no answer, eventually on the final ring I got an answer it was his sister. She told me that Carl had had a stroke earlier that day and was rushed to hospital, I was furious, I demanded to know where he was and they would not tell me, they said he was sleeping and shouldn't be disturbed, I demanded to know and eventually the told me he was in St. Lukes, I went straight there and got to see him.
He was very bad, the stroke had paralyzed him all down his left side and had effected his speech, he started to cry when he saw me, he must have thought I had abandoned him. I spent everyday from 9am to 10pm in the hospital with him, we worked on his speech, walking and anything else we could do to get him mobile. I would come in early and bring him down and bathe him, shave him and moisturize him before any visitors would come in, he was always a very well groomed man so there was no way I was going to let him not look his best. I was beside him for every visitor, his speech was bad but I knew what he was saying and he relied on me.
He asked me to get his Lawyer in as he wanted to sort out his will, the Lawyer came in and everything was changed to my name, I also got power of attorney so I was the one in charge of making all the decisions unfortunately Carl had to sign, which he couldn't or at least have the Doctor say he was of sound mind which he wouldn't. Everything was taken out of our hands and the vultures started to descend, I continued coming in everyday but I had no say as to what was happening, I had no access to money and was struggling to buy everything that Carl needed. I managed to get my hand on $5,000 from Noel from the business in NY which was now on sale. After about 5 weeks in Luke's Carl was making a great improvement and we had got him a place in the Hospice rehab centre so hopefully he could get his strength up enough to at least enjoy his last few months, the morning of the move to the rehab centre he was not himself.
I came into the room and he was saying his leg was paining and he could not see out of one of his eyes, I called the nurse and she gave him some pain killers, I had a bad feeling. Carls two sisters and I where driving him to the hospice as it was only 10 mins away, on the journey the pain started to get worse and by the time we got him into the hospice he was screaming in pain, I will never forget the sound, I screamed at the nurse to get him painkiller as I tried to calm him down.
His two sisters where no help, they couldn't handle it and ran out the room, the nurse came in and gave him an injection, that was the last time I saw Carl conscience. The next week I kept a 24 hour vigil at the hospice, I had a mattress beside his bed where I slept so I would be there should he wake up. One night I woke up and he was standing beside me, he was like a zombie, so out of it on drugs and he just kept pointing at my bed. I called the nurse and she helped me get him back into bed, the staff in the hospital where amazing, such good people to the patients and visitors alike, one nurse in particular was amazing to me, we would talk all night when I couldn't sleep and she was amazing to Carl. When we put him back into bed she was sitting beside him and he put his arm around her, I knew that no matter how much he was drugged Carl was still in there and I never treated him any different.
On about the third day Carl's brother, older sister and me where called into the doctors office, he told us that Carl had developed a chest infection but they couldn't treat it and he was very dehydrated, he told us to prepare for the worst. His brother and sister broke down and for the first time so did I, it hit me that I was actually going to lose him but me being me I pulled myself together and got on with my job. For the first time in years I prayed not for Carl to get better but for him to be taken and spare him anymore pain. On Thursday night when everyone had gone I was chatting to my favorite nurse, I told her I had a feeling that that night he would go, Carl's brother insisted on staying over as well, even though I objected I couldn't stop him but my Nurse could, she told him to stay in the guest room and not to disturb us and then she brought in an extra bed into the room so I could get in beside Carl. The night he got up, I believe he was just trying to get in beside me so I taught this might help him on his way. I put my arms around him and feel fast asleep, at 1am on December 8th I woke up and knew he was gone. I got up hugged him and gave him a kiss goodbye, that was the last time I had alone with Carl

Does Your Mother Know???

As I have said before I have been Self Harming since I was 9 years old and a lot of people who know, ask me “Did your parents know ?” The truthful answer is I don’t know. From the age of 9 I was fairly much looking after myself, I would bath and wash by myself and there was no real reason for them to see me with out my top on but at the time I thought I was the master manipulator, I thought I was so much more clever than everybody else. At 9 onwards I didn’t cut that deep, they where scratches that would heal quite quickly, I would only cut when I knew I had enough time to heal and it wasn’t as frequent as it has been to date.
I have an older brother who is adopted and a younger sister, I am in the middle, now I am not saying I had bad parents on the contrary we wanted for nothing but I was in the middle, my brother got loads of attention because he was troubled and adopted, my sister because she was the baby and daddies girl and then I sometimes felt I could slip through the grid unnoticed.
As I got older the cuts got deeper as I was entering puberty and my hormones where all over the place, I thought, now I am in complete control of my Self Harm, I can do as much or as little as I like. I started using the blade to write things in my skin and I was quite happy to show them off, I thought it would make me fit in with the others in my class but I was looked on in horror and was called a psycho. I stopped showing and kept it my secret from then on.
I lived in New York for about 3 years with Carl and I use to Self Harm quite a lot, as much as I loved it I found it tough being away from family and friends. One night I came home at about 4am, I was after being out drinking, as I was doing constantly over there, I striped of for bed, stood and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw, I got out my blades and started to cut, arms first but for the first time that wasn’t enough, I started cutting my chest and stomach, I must have made about 50 cuts, not to deep but there was a lot of blood, I started to panic as the pain wasn’t going away. I tried to call out for Carl, who was asleep in the other room but I had no voice, I was in a trance like state maybe from the combination of Self Harm, Alcohol and blood loss. I kept calling and eventually he heard me and came running out, he was horrified, he knew I did it but it was a taboo subject.
He lay me down on the bed and got some warm damp cloths to clean me up, I was trembling violently, I think I was in shock as it was the furthest over the edge I had ever gone to date. I never though how much it must have hurt him to see me in this state, it was all about me as usual. I eventually fell asleep and the next day I acted as if nothing happened.
Carl went to work and spoke to his business partner about getting help for me, he in turn contacted a psychiatrist who he and I knew. She agreed to see me only on the condition that I went for myself and not for anybody else, I refused. I was annoyed at Carl for telling his business partner as I didn’t like the guy nor him me. He went on to tell the people I worked with about it, I was working in a hair saloon for his partner, everytime I went out after work on Saturday they would start attacking me over it, demanding to see my cuts and telling me I was mad for doing it. That made me do it even more so I stopped talking and eating for a while, not sure why but I think it was a protest.
After a while thing returned to normal, well as normal as I have ever had and I was looking forward to my Mother and Sister coming out to visit. Carl picked them up from the Airport as I finished work and we met the gang from work, everybody was in good spirits and my mother was the life and soul of the party. My Sister knew I harmed but never asked me to much about it, I had told her I was unhappy and was having some problems that is when one of the girls in a drunken state decided to announce to my Mother that I cut myself, I heard her say the words but ignored it, I was livid.
My Mother never approached me about it, we carried on as normal but she did start asking my Sister what was going on and some close friends at home. To this day she has never asked me even though sometime she will see the bandage and ask what happened to your arm? I always make up my excuses and we carry on as normal.

Ex and the City

I was out last night with one of, if not the most wonderful man I have encountered in my 33 years of existence on this planet. For want of a better name I will call him Mr. Big. Mr.Big is the type of man who you can be totally at ease with, he is funny, compassionate, intelligent, wicked and just all around a great guy. He is somebody I love very deeply and somebody I hurt greatly in the past. He know as much about me as I do at the moment and I would be happy to have him by my side as I learn the rest, I trust him 110% and can not emphasis how much he has helped me.
I meet Mr.Big through an ad on the net, we meet for a drink about a year and a half ago and clicked straight away, he made me laugh as most people don't, I am usually the clown. The day was a whirlwind, we drank in town laughed and talked and ended up in Bray where he lived, we went for dinner where I met his friends and spent we night together. The next morning which should have been Coyote Ugly (You would rather bite of your arm than wake the person) in my experience wasn't. We spent Sunday together, it was my sisters birthday and I had bought her a series of Sex and the City, so we had breakfast and watched a few episode.
I was so comfortable and content and I did not want to leave. Eventually it was time to go and he dropped me home, I was so excited but a bit panicked, I knew I was starting to fall for him and I was not use it. The following Thursday we met for dinner, we went to this really good Italian run by Chinese in Dublin, the food was great but the service was so slow, we didn't care as we got to talk more.
We had another great night and I was looking forward to the weekend, the next few weeks where wonderful we spent as much time together as possible, I knew I was falling for him but something else was going on in my head.
Now I am not going to use my problem as an excuse for what I did, I take full responsibility for it, I started to look for flaws and when I could not find them I created them. His friend Paula called around one day and we where having a chat, Mr. Big was occupied so Paula and I had some alone time. Now Paula loves Mr. Big and is one of his closest friend so I thought If I feed her some information it would get back to Mr.Big and cause a rift. The night previous was the anniversary of Carl's death, Mr.Big I don't think knew this but I got annoyed that he didn't, Carl's death was one of the worst things I think to happen to me in my life and I took the pain out on this wonderful man. In my head I though, "How dare you not know what I am going through?"
The following weekend I finished it in the most Cowardly fashion, I felt justified in what I was doing at the time. "I am in pain and nobody can hurt as much as I am hurting", that was what was going on in my head, I gave no thought to how he was feeling. I had to stay over that night and the following day I had to face him at the breakfast table, I will never forget his face and I felt as bad as he did, I was sick to the stomach for what I had done but still in my head I was justified.
I left the house and had to wait an hour for the bus, I was so racked with guilt and pain, I had just destroyed somebody's world, I had told him I loved him and waited for him to do the same before I struck, total coward.
Christmas last year Mr. Big, to my amazement got in contact and we went for a drink, we meet in the same bar at the same seats, he hadn't changed, still wickedly funny, we had a good few drinks and went for dinner, he asked me on several occasions, "What Happened?" I think I gave him some bullshit excuse and moved on. As much as Carl's death hurt me, that was something I could not control, it was in the hands of God, what I did was cowardly and cold, I can't believe that after all the hurt I have gone through I could do that to somebody I love.
The most recent time Mr. Big asked my "Why I did what I did?" I answered "I was going through so much pain at the time, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy" to that he replied "you did it to me" those words have haunted me since. A few weekends ago we went away as friends to Wexford and I have to say I have never had a more enjoyable weekend in all my life, we laughed, drank, walked and talked, every minute was so precious to me. On the Monday he dropped me home and after we had said goodbye, I entered my house and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I love this man, maybe more than I have ever loved anyone and for the first time it didn't scare me.
I know I can't expect Mr.Big to ever trust me again and to me the most valuable thing at the moment is just having him in my life, I want him to be happy and anything I can do to make that happen I will. He means everything to me and deserves only happiness.

The World Owes Me a Living......NOT!!!

I have been working since I was 13 years old, I started as a lounge boy in the Garda (Police) Club (my father was a Garda), it was a simple job of collecting glasses, I didn’t have to deal with people just make sure all the empties where collected, cleaned and everything was stocked up. I use to go into a panic everytime i had to go in, I was painfully shy and the thoughts of all those people use to put me into a panic, I would not utter a word to anybody onless I had to. At the end of each night we could have a drink from the bar, as much as we liked, at the time I loved Coke so I would have a Coke, I use to wait till nobody else was around and add something else to it, be it scotch, whiskey, brandy etc. I would be so drunk on two drinks and would usually throw up but it was worth it at the time because the fear went away and I could function just about.
When I was 15 years old I got a job as a lounge boy in the local pub, this job meant dealing with people, taking drinks orders and collecting glasses. I was terrified, the first tray of drinks I got went all over the bar
and I found it hard to stop shaking, all the other lounge staff were around my age and I found it after awhile easy to talk to them.
After about a month in this job I was flying, I was able to take and remember 9 or 10 orders at the one time, I was chatting away to people and i was been giving all the busy shifts, so I was making a ton of money. The Idea of the mone