Scars of the Past

It has been sometime since I have written on this blog, a lot has changed in the year or so since I have been away, I no longer harm, I have not harmed in nearly a year and a half now and I am the better for it. I still bear the scars of my years of harming but now they serve as a reminder of a tough time in my life, I am not embarrassed by them and I do not hide them anymore, they are a part of me and as much as I would like them gone it is unlikely that they ever will. I have made peace with the past, took it out of its box, dealt with it and put it away for good, sometime I still hear the lid tapping and the little monsters try to get out but I am stronger then they are and I don't let them win. Life is a battle, every aspect and it is up to the individual to decide who they want to be the survivor or the victim.

And So It Ends.....Or Does It

I have decided that this will be the last post on my blog, I think I have achieved everything I wanted to achieve and I really don't think there is anything else I can add at this present time in my life. I would like to sincerely thank all who have supported me and made comments on my blog and I would also like to wish all my fellow self harmers all the best in the continuing struggle to overcome.
All that is left to say is goodbye and good luck.
THE END
To Be Continued.....

Thinking

Things have been very busy as usual these days, I really want to write more stuff on the blog but never really get the time or really have much to say anymore, I think I have exhausted the whole self harm subject for myself and if I keep writing about the past it is just going to open old wounds.
I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last while, mainly about what I could have done different over the last year, about the people I could have avoided hurting and maybe save myself some pain along the way but I suppose it all has lead me to the path I am following now. I can not let express the peace I am feeling, the heaviness seems to be gone, well at least the whole self harm burden anywho but now I am dealing with other problems, mainly family related. What do you do when a close family member is an alcoholic? What can you do when you have tried and tried to help them but they just won't stop and they are a danger to themselves and others around them? I have tried to get to the root of the problem, I have used emotional blackmail but nothing has worked and now I feel I have no other option but to give up and get on with my own life.
I know it may sound selfish but I have only started to really get use to the new person I am and feeling am getting dragged back a bit everyday and I refuse to let that happen.
The past is in the past and I am movin on.....

Such a Perfect Day...

Well my Sisters Wedding day this past Saturday turned out to be an almost perfect day and I for one had a brilliant time, judging by all the texts I received the following day I think everybody else enjoyed it as much. The service was lovely and the fact that there was no religion involve made it all the better, it was just perfect and they looked so happy together.
The hotel and food were beautiful and it was great how everybody got along and mingled on the day. I think I sat down for dinner and that was it, the rest of the day and night involved running around talking to people and dancing. I also had written a speech as my roll was father of the bride but when it came to it I decided to ad lib and ended up coming out to the entire run with one joke but who cares?
In the past when I would see two people that happy together but now I can only feel as happy for them, something inside has changed and all the anger and pain from the past has now gone.
I don't think I would have enjoyed the day as much last year the way I was and I am so glad that he has gone now.
On a sad note, my Brother in Law's grandmother, who is more like a mother to him is very ill in hospital and it looks like it is only a matter of hours before she passes away. Unfortunately they are in New York on Honeymoon and have to come home after only 2 days, I will pick them up from the Airport tomorrow morning, I wish there was something I could do for them.

Wedding Bells

On Saturday my little sister is getting married and I am giving her away. It is going to be a manic week between work and preparation as I have a gift fair to do also at the weekend starting Sunday so all this week will be packing in the day and wedding stuff at night.
I did all the invitations and mass books for the wedding and I have got nothing but positive feedback from them, everybody loved them and I am now toying with the idea of doing them as a little sideline to hopefully make a bit of pocket money. I really enjoyed doing them as it has been the first time I have done something creative in a long time and as time consuming as they where it was a labour of love.
Last weekend I was in Westport, Mayo for the stag weekend, we had a blast and it was great to get to meet all the buddies of my future brother-in-law before the wedding. It took me until Wednesday to recover.
Everything has been great with me in the last few months, it must be coming up to a year being harm free and things seem to be going my way for once. The week I was of work I decided to put over a thousand comics up on eBay and I am thrilled to say that I sold over a hundred and made a nice little tidy sum.
I am happy in my own skin for once and don't feel the need to run away anymore, it may be permanent or could just be for a but I know I am now constantly looking forward instead of back.

10,000

Holy Crap, Just checked my counter and it has gone over 10,000, I am shocked to see the amount of traffic on a site that has gone to pot a bit in the last while.
Over all things have been good, I was off sick last week with back problems but I am glad to say it has much improved so it is back to the grind in work but have to take it easy for a while which suits me fine. The form has been good and I found myself bored out of my mind after a few days of sitting at home also I am finding myself quite emotional since I had the episode with my medication, sometimes something on the TV will make me want to cry like last night I was watching a program about the RSPCA and there was two dogs that had been poisoned and just dumped, they showed some very graphic pictures of the dead dogs and I had to get up out of bed and bring Holly up with me and give her a cuddle just so I knew she was safe and as I write this she is asleep at my feet.
This weekend I am of to my future brother-in-laws stag party, we are off to Westport in Mayo and it going to be a crazy weekend, I am looking forward to meeting his friends as they will be at the Wedding which is just over 2 weeks away.
The wedding is going to be great and it is so good for our small little family to have such a happy event to look forward to after all the sadness we have had over the years.
I am giving my Sister away at the wedding which is an incredible honour, I just hope I don't trip or stand on her train.
Once again thank you to everybody for your support and for bringing me to the 10,000.

Depression Pills

Yesterday morning I woke up for work to terrible back pain, a few years ago I had two discs removed after spending two years in agonizing pain. My back has never really bothered me since so when something does happen I have to be careful, I called in sick to work and went to see the doctor straight away, after checking me out he reckoned it was just cyatica and some anti inflammatory tablet should sort it out in a few day, he also told me to rest, not to walk the dog and not to drive for the rest of the week. I also got some anti biotic for a sinus infection I have had for the last while.
I started taking the tablets straight away and after about an hour or so I started to feel really down and by lunchtime I felt over whelmingly depressed and by evening time I was in tears, crying at every single sad thing I saw on the TV. I knew something was obviously not right as It take a lot to make me cry and I never cry at the drop of a hat so I got on the old internet and looked up the drugs. It turns out one of the side effects are depression so I stopped taking them, to be honest I would rather put up with the pain than feel like that again.
I feel bad for Holly as she is stuck in with me as I can't walk her but she has not left my side since I have been unwell, right now she is asleep on the bed beside me.
When the pain gets bad she will start to cry in sympathy with me and she was such a comfort to me when I was upset, she truly is mans best friend.